A number of readers have emailed me wondering why I haven’t weighed in on Joey Porter’s arrest in a Taco Bell parking lot yet. Since, as they’ve pointed out, it represents the intersection of sports and Taco Bell, it does seem like perfect TedQuarters fodder.
I’m not aiming to make light of DUI, though, nor am I willing to pass judgment on an arrest with such vaguely reported details: Conflicting online news stories have it that Porter was at the wheel of his car, at the wheel of a friend’s car, and in the passenger’s seat of a friend’s car when he slapped the police officer in question, and absolutely none of the reports I’ve read even specify whether or not Porter ate delicious Taco Bell, nor what he ordered if he did.
Regardless, since Porter will not face charges, he will certainly not face criticism here. Let he who has not been drunk and belligerent in a Taco Bell parking lot cast the first stone.
I will say this, though: There seems to be something about Fourthmeal that brings out the worst in humanity. I don’t really get it, either.
The town where I grew up maintains an inordinately stupid rule under which fast-food restaurants can not keep drive-thrus open past 11 p.m.
Taco Bell is the only fast-food restaurant in the town proper, and so to stay open for Fourthmeal, the Taco Bell must keep its dining room open until the wee hours of the morning. At some point around midnight, it becomes a downright terrifying place.
The solution, of course, is to drive right past that Taco Bell, to the much better Taco Bell in the next town over, where there is no stupid rule about closing drive-thrus at 11 p.m.
But if by some chance the people you’re with aren’t willing to go the (literal) extra mile, or they want the luxury or novelty of enjoying Taco Bell in Taco Bell at 1 a.m., you’re heading right into the damn Wild West. No joke.
To me, it makes no sense. We’re all here for tacos, right? And Taco Bell makes me happy, and puts me at peace with my surroundings, even if those surroundings are a dingy suburban fast-food dining room off Sunrise Highway in the middle of the night.
But it’s littered with lunatics. Not actual crazy people — this is Long Island, so they go to diners since there are no Denny’s around. I’m talking drunken, ‘roided-up madmen, who must be looking to Taco Bell for a late-night protein fix and as a good place to find some asses to kick.
Seriously, about 50% of the time you enter that Taco Bell, some meathead tries to pick a fight with you on your way in or out. It sucks. I’m here for Gorditas, guy, not an ass kicking.
Tedquarters 
Probably still nicer than the White Castle on Sunrise Highway in Lynbrook where we use to drive to after a late night out in Long Beach or the White Castle on Hempstead Turnpike in downtown Hempstead where we’d sometimes go after a night at the bars near Hofstra (before the east meadow white castle opened).
Now, those were scary places at 2 or 3 in the morning. But if you can handle eating white castle, you can handle anything.
Oh, man. I should probably amend that statement about diners — that Lynbrook White Castle is absolutely brimming with crazy people at all hours. One time I saw a guy hit his wife there. They stormed out after the White Castle manager called the cops.
For my fast-food needs in Hempstead, though, I stick to the Taco Bell on Peninsula Blvd or one of the amazing selection of fried-chicken fast food places on Hempstead Turnpike, most likely Wings N’ Things.
Grad school dorms (where I lived for one year) were almost right next door to Wings N Things, and I never once set foot in the place. I assumed it was a dump.
I was living there when a grad student/assistant football coach got shot and killed at night right in front the of the Arby’s on Hempstead Tpke. So, it seemed safe to drive somewhere else to eat, irrespective of one’s beverage intake.
I GOTCHER GORDITAS RIGHT HERE, CHIEF! YEEEEEAAHHHH!
Believe it or not there is now a Denny’s on Long Island.
There apparently is a Denny’s in Centereach, now. Could this be the beginning of the end for Long Island Diners?
Probably not.
I never knew about the 11pm rule in RVC. That explains why they make you go into the T-Bell for fourth meal. And yes, that place needs its own reality show in the late hours.
POSSIBLY RELATED:
http://www.tacobell.com/food/tortadas
Hmm, that is an interesting new combination of the Taco Bell stuff. I didn’t see this advertised at my local Taco Bell today, but then my local Taco Bell is generally behind the times.