The Mets appear to be in the hands of smart, capable men who embrace objective evaluation. The McRib is flying off the shelves at McDonald’s. Joe Morgan will no longer pollute Sunday Night Baseball with nonsense. Cee Lo Green’s album dropped yesterday. We’ll have space tourism by the end of next year.
This is a wonderful time to be alive.
But have no fear: We’ve still got something to fear.
And it’s turkeys.
According to the Daily News, a flock of wild turkeys that escaped from a psychiatric institution — I s@#$ you not — are terrorizing parts of Staten Island.
“It was straight out of ‘Cujo,'” said dental assistant Gina Guaragno, 23. “I’m sitting in my car Facebooking on my phone when turkeys jumped on my windshield.
“I screamed like I was being murdered. They just kept looking at me like it was their car. I felt trapped. I was so scared.”…
Standing 2 to 4 feet high, the brown-feathered fiends meander between houses and linger for hours outside some homes….
Some seniors are too terrified to leave their homes, City Councilman James Oddo said.
Four-foot high (can that possibly be true?) wild turkeys running amok on Staten Island, just crapping and squawking and strutting around like they own the place. Trapping you in your car while you’re innocently making verbs out of websites. Yeah, I’d file that under terrifying.
One solution the Daily News article suggests is “harvesting,” which is, well, exactly what it sounds like. I don’t imagine wild turkey tastes all that great (as opposed to Wild Turkey, which is delicious), since even regular turkey is overrated and wild turkey probably isn’t all plumped up on whatever they feed the domesticated ones.
But you’ve got to step up, Staten Island. PETA’s not going to like it, but it’s time for some vigilante justice. Clearly these beasts have no natural predators on the island, and if you don’t stop them soon, eventually a couple will make its way onto the ferry or over the Verrazano and unleash fury on the rest of the boroughs.
I just wonder what Mary Ann DeFrancesco thinks about all this.
Tedquarters 
We have wild turkeys on occasion up around where I live in NJ, and I can def see how people might be frightened of them. They can be big and alone would not be scary, but when they are rolling 7-8 deep, I can see how it could be un nerving.
But they are not really agressive so there really isnt a need to be scared. But a pack of 8 turkeys coud probably kill me if they chose to attack, so I always keep that in back of my mind.
And the other thing that makes bird sketchy to me is that they really dont have facial expressions. You never really know WTF a bird is thinking. You run into other wild animals like a bear or a wolf etc, you can prob tell right away if your F-ed. Thing will likely growl or show its teeth or something. Birds? Nothing. They just stare at you.
Haha I did a rotation at Staten Island university hospital and they have tons of turkeys wandering around everywhere outside. It was absolutely surreal the first time I’d shown up.
Yeah that hospital is apparently ground zero for the turkey infestation.
I live right around the corner from the hospital. Turkeys in my yard every day. Haven’t gotten used to it yet.
Haha, I live on staten island as I believe you know. This “infestation” is not even close to what the Daily News would have you believe. The turkeys are by south beach, they mainly stick around the psych hospital. One very isolated section. They cross the street very very slowly, but walk up and down the sidewalks and pedestrian islands, its really kinda funny. My friend who lives around there was attacked on her lawn once by a bunch of turkeys, she wasn’t hurt or anything, and she said they were just hanging out in front of her house. When she walked out and tried to shoo them away the biggest one puffed up HUGE and kinda ran at her, her dad took a bunch of pictures from inside all the while laughing at her.
Hey Ted, former Jimmy T. Intern here, current Staten Island resident. That psychiatric institution the article mentions has a softball field located directly behind it that my team often plays on. You would not believe the amount of damage a small pack of turkeys can inflict with their little turds. You have to run through the outfield as if playing on a minefield since it’s nearly impossible to get that stuff out of your cleats. And forget about diving for balls. I made that mistake once.
My mom lives on Staten Island near South Beach Psychiatric clinic and we love the turkeys. They are pretty harmless and slow. The worse I’ve seen them do is puff their feathers up and kinda charge when they feel threatened. Otherwise, they’re pretty cool. Also, the DN article exaggerates, I would definitely not say there are thousands of them. No way. The 82 y.o. lady the article quoted needs to get her eyes checked.