Dude, c’mon. You’re just going to lay the slices out flat on the bread so you end up biting into a lunchmeat steak? That’s amateur-hour stuff. You definitely want to maximize surface area by, as you suggest, making sure there’s texture to the distribution of the meat.

But that doesn’t mean rolling or folding the meat on the sandwich either. It takes a delicate touch. Let one end of the meat hit the bread and sort of droop the rest of it on top of it, slightly shaking your hand as you do so. You need to put each slice of meat on there individually. You might think I sound crazy but it’s all in the name of the best possible sandwich. This is serious business.

Well, I like to imagine I’ll be laying in a comfortable bed, surrounded by family — hopefully some grandkids, maybe even great-grandkids — still conscious, listening to beautiful music, watching that Asdrubal Cabrera play over and over again.

Oh wait you mean tomorrow, like because of the rapture? Oh, I don’t know. Hadn’t really thought about it. What time is that happening anyway? I’ll probably play some Madden in the morning. If it’s nice out, maybe I’ll go for a bike ride or do some gardening, then I guess if I have time I’ll get about repenting before I am forever judged.

I didn’t skip an answer in here; I put these two questions together because they struck me as somewhat similar. Here’s a pretty straightforward question OH AND A QUALIFIER THAT MAKES IT MUCH MORE DIFFICULT.

I’ll still take Hanley Ramirez for the first, though — even if Heyward and Stanton are in play. Yeah, he had a down season last year and he’s off to a brutal start to this one. There are probably cases to be made for Heyward, David Wright, Ryan Zimmerman and maybe Jose Reyes, but Ramirez has the best combination of youth, health, and evidence of awesomeness.

As for the chicken, I guess that’s got to be fried but not breaded chicken, then. I mean like Buffalo wings. Those count, right? But smoked chicken is delicious too.

All of them had their moments, but I go with the UCB. I’ve linked this here before, but this is my favorite comedy sketch of all time. Vaguely NSFW. Note that it’s all one take: