Here’s by far the most interesting thing that happened to me on vacation:

My wife and I were walking near Union Square in San Francisco, fresh off the trolley, trying to get our directional bearings and looking, I imagine, very much like the tourists we were.

From behind us, we heard stomping — someone very large running in our direction. It happened too quickly for us to orient ourselves to the noise, and before I could turn around, a hand grabbed my right buttcheek and gave it a strong squeeze.

I spun to face my assailant. A very large woman, maybe six-feet tall and 180 pounds, either homeless or at least dressed in all the regalia typically associated with homelessness, stood staring at us with a menacing scowl.

“Got that ass!” she yelled.

Initially, I felt a bit disappointed that my wife made no effort whatsoever to defend my honor, even if she stood no chance in a fight against this terrifying woman.

I learned later that my wife had no idea the woman grabbed my rear-end. She assumed the ass in question was hers, and that yelling “Got that ass!” was the woman’s way of complimenting me for, well, acquiring it — not that a man walking along the street with a woman maintains any dominion over any part of her body, but, well, maybe this lady doesn’t share our worldview and whatever.

Still shocked, I muttered something to my wife about getting the hell out of there to avoid further confrontation, and we scurried away without incident.

In the immediate wake of the goosing I felt a bit violated, but later mostly flattered. There were so many asses to choose from on that street, and this woman ran some distance to grab mine.

That means something, and I appreciate it. I don’t condone such behavior and I ask that if you happen to see me in public you avoid the temptation to give me the same treatment, but in the case of this one isolated incident, I am grateful for the ego boost. And maybe I shouldn’t put too much stock in the judgment of people who do crazy things in public, but then maybe this is just a crazy world and there’s one sane lady roaming the streets of San Francisco.