What follows is fiction, obviously.

House of Pain’s “Jump Around” blares from an iPod dock in the visitors’ clubhouse in Citizens Bank Park. Members of the defending World Champion, first-place San Francisco Giants bounce giddily around the room, preparing for their game against the Phillies. Jeremy Affeldt and Sergio Romo pass an iPad back and forth, laughing at something on the screen. Miguel Tejada and Mike Fontenot take turns flicking a paper football through deodorant-stick uprights.

Carlos Beltran enters, wheeling his luggage behind him.

“Hey bro,” says Brian Wilson, bounding across the room. “It’s me, Brian Wilson! The wacky guy, with the beard! Do you like cheesesticks?”

“I know who you are,” says Beltran. “We met last week, and you’re on TV constantly. You’re the most overexposed man in America. Have you no shame?”

The music stops. Eli Whiteside puts down the bust of Bruce Bochy he is whittling and stares at Beltran.

“Aw, it’s just… I… I’m me being me,” Wilson says. “I… ahh… do you like cheesesticks?”

“You’re not even the most talented or craziest Brian Wilson,” says Beltran.

Beltran rolls by the lockers belonging to Tim Lincecum and Matt Cain. “Hey, Mitch from Dazed and Confused and Badger from Breaking Bad. Big fan, guys.”

A few lockers down, Pablo Sandoval changes into his uniform. “Brother, I thought they said you lost weight,” says Beltran as he passes.

Hitting coach Hensley Meulens meets with the rest of the Giants’ starting lineup near the locker assigned to Beltran. Beltran sees the group and doubles over in hysterical laughter.

The Giants are 1-5 since Beltran’s arrival.