I am in the midst of the ever-frustrating apartment search. Incidentally, if you have an apartment somewhere on the east side of Manhattan that you’re looking to rent, email me. Especially if it is huge and way underpriced and you’re willing to cut a discount to a sports and sandwich blogger of moderate repute.

I imagine a lot of people would say, “cozy,” which means “tiny,” or “bedroom fits a queen bed,” which means “bedroom is the size of a queen bed.” But I’m going to go with “no fee,” which means there absolutely is a fee and they’re just straight-up lying about it.

I’m pretty early in the process, but I’ve gone to check out two “no broker’s fee” apartments only to be told when I got there that there was a fee, and that the one I saw advertised on craigslist with no fee has since been taken. How does that even work? Do brokers really list a single apartment with no fee just to get you in the door to a bunch with fees? And who gets that apartment? Probably no one, since it never existed in the first place.

Craigslist is a tangled web of lies.

Yeah, for a while I basked in the attention but now I can’t leave my house without having to run from a crowd of screaming fans all like, “OMG TED BURG! SANDWICH!” It’s a lot like Hard Day’s Night, except with more sandwich. It’s overwhelming.

Seriously, though, we’re moving for a variety of reasons. For one, if I successfully pull off a move to a reasonable Manhattan location, I’ll cut about two hours per day off my commute. That’s so much time! Think of how much more TV I’ll get to watch!

The other big things I’m looking forward to about Manhattan are streetlights and sidewalks. I like to walk places, and just walking for the sake of walking. Neither is really possible or enjoyable where I am now. There are tons of beautiful parks and reserves for walking, but you have to set aside some daytime and take a car to get there, which I think defeats the purpose.

No I am not. But this is now my fourth time looking for a place to rent since I left my parents’ house in 2005. Every time I saw a bunch of awful places that seemed unreasonably expensive, then, eventually, one that was just way better than the others in every way.

I guess this is sort of the same phenomenon as your keys always being in the last place you look for them: Once you find a good place, you stop looking, so the only places you have to compare it to are all the terrible ones you’ve already seen. But I’ve never had a situation where I was weighing the benefits and costs of one place versus another. Every time it has seemed the place I settled on was the biggest, most reasonably priced and closest to where I wanted to be. So here’s hoping that happens again.