A wolf and a monkey that were believed to have escaped the carnage were later declared dead. The monkey, which had herpes, was eaten by one of the tigers, according to CBS News.

– Michael Sheridan and Cory Siemaszko, N.Y. Daily News.

I really don’t want to make light of this crazed suicidal zookeeper story because in truth I think exotic animals are awesome, and seeing the pictures of all the dead tigers made me really sad even if I understand that it was not in anyone’s best interest for them to be roaming loose in Ohio.

But this one tidbit here — “the monkey, which had herpes, was eaten by one of the tigers” — I’m sorry, that’s the silver lining in this whole mess. Not for the monkey or the tiger, which is also dead now, but for those who appreciate the inherent (if, in this case, dark) humor in reports of a tiger eating a herpes-addled monkey.

First of all, why did they even have to say that the monkey had herpes? I suppose if it were still on the lam it might be good to disseminate that information to protect the monkey from lovelorn perverts and vice versa. But reporting on the monkey’s herpes posthumously just seems like a way to further humiliate a monkey that already endured the shame of being caught by the tiger and, of course, the physical suffering inherent in both living with monkey herpes and being eaten by a tiger.

At least one of the other freed monkeys was eaten by one of the lions. I’m really down on monkeys right now. I would’ve hoped they’d prove more elusive than that, and more adaptive to the Ohio environment.

Authorities believe no more animals are on the loose, but I’m hoping at least one lion or tiger slipped through their grasp and will enjoy a long, happy life terrorizing Ohio livestock. Or maybe that a male lion and a female tiger escaped and now all of a sudden Zanesville, Ohio has a liger problem on its hands.