But now that [the Lions are] 6-2 and on their way to a potential playoff berth, the Turkey Day matchup with their division rival, defending Super Bowl champs the Green Bay Packers, has suddenly taken on a lot more significance – which is why their fans are furious that the team has booked Nickelback to be the halftime entertainment.

They’re so angry that one fan started an online petition to have the Lions change the halftime show.

– Steve Baltin, Rolling Stone.

Here’s the thing about Nickelback: Who likes Nickelback? Seriously. Have you or anyone you know ever enjoyed any music performed by Nickelback? Is there anyone in the entire world who’s like, “hell yeah, ‘Photograph’ is a dope jam”?

It makes no sense. They sell tons and tons of albums and still get booked to play NFL halftime shows, and yet you will never find anyone who purports to be an unironic fan of the band Nickelback. Is it that their bland brand of fist-pumping post-grunge is considered so inoffensive that lots of people buy their godawful records to play as background music in gyms* and Wal-Marts?

It can’t be that, because I find Nickelback’s music offensive. And I can’t imagine I’m alone. In fact I feel stupid even ripping them. It’s like the music-writing equivalent of a Charlie Sheen roast. Too easy.

I’ll say this, though: Some big record company has offices on the 30th floor of this building. You can always pick out the executives because they’re all fit dudes in their 40s and 50s who wear t-shirts and blazers with designer jeans and fancy shoes.

One time I got on the elevator to find three of them, in uniform, discussing some new band. During the ride one of them said, “I really think they could be the next Nickelback.”

I instinctively and quite audibly chortled, figuring the guy meant it derisively. But all three of them shot me dirty looks, and we rode the rest of the way down in awkward silence. To these guys, being the next Nickelback is a good thing. They’re eager to find the next Nickelback.

Think about that. Right now, not 30 feet above me, there are dudes in expensive jeans sitting around trying to identify bands that are somehow like Nickelback, that they will then foist upon an unsuspecting society that already gets way, way more than its fill of Nickelback. Is there some way to stop them? Am I obligated to do something about it?

I’m only one man. And I’m not sure they’d respect the opinions of anyone in Old Navy pants anyway. But what’s happening in Detroit — this is a good first step.

That city has as rich a musical history as any in this country. And it has, as has been well-documented, fallen on some hard times. The last thing the people of Detroit need now is Nickelback. Hell, the last thing any of us need now is Nickelback. Sign the petition and let those dudes in the elevator know it’s time to stop looking for the next Nickelback and start looking for the next Stevie Wonder.

*- True story: When “This is How You Remind Me” first blew up, I happened to be in a good workout phase. My friend and I decided that we would use Nickelback’s prevalence in the gym’s music rotation to time our workouts — we exercised until Nickelback came on, then knew it was time to leave. But eventually Nickelback came on so frequently that we found we weren’t getting good enough workouts, because we’d never be there more than 20 minutes before that stupid song started playing. FOR HANDIN’ YOU A HEART WORTH BREAKIN’!