Maybe going to the well too often with this feature, but here we go again:

People ask me some form of this question a lot. Usually it’s just Chipotle vs. Taco Bell. Here’s my thing: Do I have to pick one?

As far as I’m concerned, Chipotle, Baja Fresh and Qdoba are one thing and Taco Bell is a totally different thing. Taco Bell is faster, cheaper, and fast-foodier. Taco Bell falls in the same category, I think, as regional taco chains like Taco John’s, Del Taco and Taco Time, none of which hold a candle to Taco Bell. Taco Time, in particular, sucks. Del Taco is OK but most of its allure is in its lack of East Coast availability.

Like Taco Bell, Chipotle is also awesome. I find it consistently better than QDoba and Baja Fresh though I’ll admit that my exposure to the latter is limited. Also, one time I filmed a short movie I never actually edited in a Chipotle in Virginia, and the people were totally cool about us setting up a tripod in there and such. The movie was to be called, “Burrito, Interrupted.”

No, not unless Jason Statham’s career takes a big left turn somewhere. I saw The Mechanic the other day. It wasn’t his best. I feel like — and this I honestly believe, I’m not just saying it because he’s an awesome ass-kicking machine — Statham is better than a lot of his movies at this point. The writing in The Mechanic was so awful, predictable and wooden that it almost felt like Statham was being sarcastic half the time. And while some of the sequences were reasonably awesome, there was never that edge-of-your-seat celebration of motion and explosion and the human capacity to process rapid-fire images that I’ve come to associate with great contemporary action movies, so the whole thing was a bit of a letdown.

I’ve said this before, but I think Jason Statham should play Bond. I know he’s not quite as polished as the traditional tuxedo’d Roger Moore Bond guy but there’s got to be a reason the newer Bond movies all suck, and I suspect it has something to do with the producers being slow to grasp the reality of the modern badass action hero. Now for your brother:

Yup, I even applied. I had no clips and had never produced anything scripted besides my sketch comedy show in college, so I cranked out 50 pages’ worth of screenplay a couple days before I had to send in the application. It sucked and I didn’t get in. I’d like very much to write a sitcom someday, but that’s not an easy field to break into.You know what? This might be heresy but I don’t think either of them has particularly great hair. Please don’t tell them I said this, but Polamalu’s is a frizzy mop and Matthews’ is a stringy mess. I don’t understand why long and unkempt is equated with good. You can’t just grow out any old head of hair and expect people to revere it. Now Mark Sanchez, that’s good hair. Laurence Maroney has good hair too. But obviously Joe Namath is the standard-bearer for NFL hair.

Fun fact: I had longish hair coming out the back of my football helmet as a sophomore in high school. Not like Clay Matthews long, just like, I don’t know, Jeremy Shockey long. I looked like an idiot.

I’ve actually tackled this before. The caveat is that I’d have to be an awesome hitter and/or reliever, or else the songs don’t sound nearly as cool. But my walk-up music would be the section starting at the 1:25 mark in Ozomatli’s Super Bowl Sundae, and my closer music would be Dr. Dre’s Keep Their Heads Ringin (lyrics NSFW), though I’d obviously have to use a radio edit. But I will say I also think the Ave Maria would be a particularly badass choice for a completely dominant fireball closer, because I think it’d be completely terrifying to hear such a beautiful song being pumped through the stadium P.A. while a guy threw 98-mph warmup tosses, sounding the death knell for your chances of winning.