New York Post no longer pretending its headlines aren’t written by giggling seventh graders

Posted on June 14, 2011 by Ted Berg

Not politics, just some old-fashioned media criticism. Here’s the front page of today’s New York Post:

Really? C’mon… really?

The Post has been running wild with Weiner puns in headlines the last couple of weeks, which makes a lot of sense. The man’s surname is Weiner, and that’s also a nickname for the body part he Tweeted. Many of them have been pretty funny, at least if you’re as immature as I am and you still find weiner jokes hilarious.

But I find this offensive. Not because of the content of the headline or what it suggests — I could hardly care less about that — but because I have, in the past, been paid to write headlines. And look at the article to which the headline is attached. It’s about Barack Obama saying he would resign if he were in Anthony Weiner’s position. (Ed. note: Ha, weiner’s position.)

The verb “to beat” has a variety of meanings, but none of them describe what Obama did to Weiner yesterday. If Obama had bested Weiner in a footrace, physically struck the embattled congressman, performed on a drum a rhythmic pattern known as “the weiner,” or, hell, Tweeted inappropriate photos more impressive than Weiner’s, the headline would fit the actions detailed in the associated story.

But though I hardly follow politics, as far as I know none of those things happened yesterday. And if the headline writers at the Post were really committed to the particular allusion they ran with this morning, it would have been less of a stretch to use “OBAMA SPANKS WEINER,” though the connection would still be tenuous at best. Since Obama’s words could be construed as scolding the congressman, and when parents… oh, you get it.

Long story short, these punks at the Post have a long way to go before they can touch “Romanian Impresses with Apparatus Showing.”

Do you like TedQuarters?

Posted on June 8, 2011 by Ted Berg

You should, it’s pretty awesome. So let your friends and family and all your exes know by liking TedQuarters on Facebook.

Twitter Q&A-type thing, part 2

Posted on June 7, 2011 by Ted Berg

I should tread lightly here because I always find it annoying when people spend too much time deconstructing their own jokes (not that I have any exclusive claim to the blame-Beltran thing, for that matter). But pretty frequently now I’ll make some sarcastic comment blaming Beltran for something and someone will reply — with no lack of vitriol — to let me know that the joke is dead and I’ve killed it.

But killing it is kind of the point, no?

I don’t know. Come to think of it, I don’t really want to explain why I think it’s funny or why I think repeating punchlines ad infinitum is funny because I’m concerned trying to put it into words will make it stop being funny. But right now it still cracks me up to blame Carlos Beltran for ridiculous stuff, and as long as that’s the case it’ll continue. And I also think it’s funny when people who don’t think the jokes are funny get all riled up about them, because I have innate troll instincts. So, you know, SPOILER ALERT: Probably not going to stop.

Hmm… let’s see. Total guesses, obviously: I’ll say 15 percent chance Reyes gets dealt, 65 percent chance Beltran gets dealt, 30 percent chance Rodriguez gets dealt. That sound right?

I know many Mets fans and media think Reyes’ departure is a done deal, but it has never seemed that way to me. Obviously there’s some chance he goes because he’s in the last year of his contract and he’s awesome, but since the Mets will need to get something back that’s better than two high draft picks, it’s going to take a pretty big deal. And I’m still not convinced they won’t make a run at re-signing him.

Beltran, sadly, seems most likely to go. He’s in the last year of his deal, he’s hitting, and he has a clause in his contract that (selfishly) prevents the Mets from offering him arbitration after the season to collect the draft picks if he leaves in free agency. I have no idea what he’ll return in a trade.

I didn’t put the percentage higher than 65 because a) he could get hurt, b) the Mets could stay on the fringes of contention and determine he’s worth more to them, even for a couple months, than whatever he’d bring back in a deal, and c) working out trades is difficult for front offices, and though the Mets will have plenty of motivation to deal Beltran if they’re not near contention, he does have a reasonable amount of money still coming his way this year that could limit flexibility, plus the no-trade clause.

The 30 percent number might be optimistic for Rodriguez. I’m sure they’ll try.

Well first of all, I’m going to go ahead and argue that if the egg is on the outside of the sandwich, it’s not a sandwich. Looking at you, croque madame. I know a lot of people will bill that as a sandwich, but that’s a messy meal you need to eat with a fork and a knife, and once you’re picking up utensils you’re basically spitting on the grave of John Montagu, the 4th Earl of Sandwich. There are plenty of delicious sandwiches that can be a bit unwieldy, sure, but to me a sandwich by definition has to at least make an effort toward portability.

As for an egg inside the sandwich, that I’m fine with. At least in concept. It just so happens that I’ve been down on eggs lately for some reason. It happens sometimes; I eat a bunch of egg sandwiches and then I get sick of eating eggs. But in the past, at times when I am enjoying eggs, I’ve certain enjoyed them atop burgers.

One time I had a fried chicken sandwich with an egg on top, which felt like a great way to demonstrate our species’ dominance over the chicken. Sadly, the sandwich was a bit disappointing, because it turns out chicken doesn’t really go that well with egg, and the runny egg yolk got the fried-chicken breading all soggy.

Twitter Q&A-type thing, part 1

Posted on June 7, 2011 by Ted Berg

We’ve got to roll at least two deep on this because good questions are streaming in.

Kielbasa, and here’s why: While “kielbasa” can apparently refer to many different variations of sausage around the world, here in the U.S. when you order a kielbasa you have a pretty good sense of the sausage you’re getting, and it’s pretty reliably delicious.

Because there are so many variations of chorizo and we haven’t settled on one particular variety to be called “chorizo” yet in this country, when you order chorizo you risk winding up with a sausage that can actually be kind of gross. And I know that sounds like heresy, but there are some nasty sausages out there, and I’ve definitely seen some of them billed as chorizo.

Don’t get me wrong: Some of the most delicious sausages I’ve eaten have been called chorizo too, and at a reputable establishment selling good chorizo it is often the case that the particular chorizo is better than most kielbasa. But though I could argue that chorizo has a higher ceiling than kielbasa, it decidedly has a much lower floor. So if we’re dealing in abstractions here I’d have to choose the Polish offering, at least if we’re only talking about the reasonably standardized version we encounter here in North America.

No, because if we’re so far removed from reality that we’re imagining a world in which I could throw harder than 60 miles an hour, we might as well go for it and fantasize that I’m mowing guys down, in which case the Yo Quiero Taco Bell thing would probably get pretty annoying.

Instead, I think a nice way to pay homage to Taco Bell and celebrate all my strikeouts would be to play the sound of the Taco Bell that rings when you hover over the logo on TacoBell.com. Also, if I were a closer, that would tie-in nicely with my preferred choice of bullpen music, Dr. Dre’s “Keep Their Heads Ringin’.”

Oh indeed:

Crowdsourcing my job

Posted on June 2, 2011 by Ted Berg

Hey, remember this video segment and the couple like it before it, in which I ask random non-baseball questions of various Mets? We’ll probably shoot another one of those today. And I’ve got some random questions in mind, but you’re all creative, funny people, and maybe you’ve got some interesting questions you’d like to ask the Mets. So come at me with ’em. Comment below, or e-mail them to me if you’re bashful.

It’s a family show (that happens to be sponsored by a casino) so they’ve got to be reasonably PG. Fire away.

Prehistoric shrimp sounds pretty awesome

Posted on June 1, 2011 by Ted Berg

Yale researchers announced they discovered in southeastern Morocco the fossilized remains of a giant, killer shrimp with three-feet long tentacles on its head….

“Anomalocaridids are always depicted as these fierce horrible predators, ripping up things and tearing them apart — and no doubt some of them were,” said Peter Van Roy, a palaeontologist at Yale University and one of the co-authors of the findings published in Nature.

– AOL News.

Well I’m all for Jurassic Parking this thing. Think of the appetizers. And how bad could unleashing a six-foot prehistoric predator on our oceans really be for our marine ecosystems? Seems like a reasonable plan.

Also, I just want to point out how great that quote from Peter Van Roy is. When he says, “Anomalocaridids are always depicted as these fierce horrible predators, ripping things up and tearing them apart,” it sounds like he’s setting up a contrast, like he’s about to say, “but in reality they were probably quite gentle,” or, “but they were also great romancers,” or, “but I’ve come to know their softer side.”

Instead, the second half of the quote just agrees with the first part — “and no doubt some of them were!” You may think I’m just some some sandwich-devouring slob who lucked into a job that allows him to write about baseball and prehistoric shrimp and Taco Bell most of the day, and you’re absolutely right.

Via Theresa.

Want!

Posted on May 31, 2011 by Ted Berg

“Fighting fire with fire” isn’t just a clever expression, it turns out: It’s something firefighters actually do. PopSci notes some of the newest weapons in the firefighters’ flame war with fire.

I got nothing

Posted on May 27, 2011 by Ted Berg

I’m gonna be honest: I got nothing. A three-day weekend is fast approaching. I’ve got lots of excuses but none of them is particularly good, nor, I imagine, would you care much anyway. It’s a beautiful day and I need to film a video and find a sandwich, so I’m going to take a walk. Enjoy Rocket from the Crypt and if you get a chance, send me something awesome from the Internet. More in a bit:

I ask, the Internet provides

Posted on May 24, 2011 by Ted Berg

Since I got off to a late start today, I asked you, the people of the Internet, to send forth awesome stuff from your domain, the Internet. And lo, you did.

This comes from our man @OGDougKopf. It’s from Mexico. If that were a regular bullet I probably wouldn’t have posted it here, but from the looks of it and the gun I’m guessing it’s one of those non-lethal bean-bag rounds, which can also do a hell of a lot of damage. But nothing a seasoned luchador can’t shoulder:

Late start