“Parties who guy the umpire will be killed.” Also, I hope whatever book distribution list I’m on makes with a copy of the forthcoming one about Mark Twain and baseball.

How appropriate that the day after The Nooner ended for good Rex Ryan got lap-band surgery.

Actor Peter Graves passed away at 84. You’re in charge now, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar Roger Murdock.

All we need is $550K and Weird Al and we can make UHF a reality.

The Mets signed skinny lefty Mike O’Connor to a Minor League deal. I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for him since he tossed a great start against the Mets in his second career outing in 2006. Probably an organizational depth signing, though.

One of the world’s leading crocodile and alligator experts died, but not in the way you’d guess. Sad.

The Big East Tournament has been predictably nuts, and Brendon Desrochers is holding it down.

Alex Nelson remembers Pete Schourek. I remember that Pete Schourek spoke at my Little League dinner and totally threw David Cone under the bus. I think he might have even called him a pervert. It was weird, and my memory is hazy because I was 12 or something, but I’ll consult my dad.

Joe Posnanski thinks Jose Reyes and the Mets are due for something good.

Lenny Dykstra (allegedly) just keeps making things worse for himself.

Awesome, awesome use of a dateline.

“When possible he likes to enter a game to the head-pounding beats of heavy metal music.“

Smart money says K-Rod knows damn well who Goose Gossage is and pretended he doesn’t to further tick him off. And bully for K-Rod; it’s precisely the right way to play that one.

Really, who the hell knows what’s happening with Jose Reyes’ thyroid? The Mets say one thing, Jose Reyes says another.

This is not a direction I expected Curt Schilling to take, but it sounds pretty cool.

Finally, Joe Janish defends the orange slice in his beer. I’ve never really been a beer guy and, though I’ve since settled on bourbon as my booze of choice, I used to often have to make similar defenses of girly beverages. I don’t entirely get why certain alcoholic drinks are stigmatized, since they’re all really means to the same end. Anyway, this is for you, Joe Janish, from the Kids in the Hall:

“Watching Ankiel try to hit Chapman was somewhere between comedy and tragedy; you got the sense that if Ankiel faced Chapman 100 times, he would strike out 100 times”

A man everyone calls “Goose” thinks K-Rod is a clown. Robble robble robble.

The Big East Tournament starts today. The Big East is so much better than the other conferences in basketball that the winner should just gain automatic entry into the NCAA finals. That’s the only fair way.

Eric Simon’s got another installment of the Make-The-Mets-O-Meter.

Good story on Fernando Martinez from Steve Popper.

David Brown is right: Jake Peavy does look like the dude from the Hurt Locker. Also, is it me or does Daniel Murphy look a little bit like the main guy from Avatar?

Jamaica and MLB are building a baseball field. Cool. Also, insert Tim Lincecum joke here.

Good poll from Mark Himmelstein at Amazin’ Avenue: Which Met prospect would you most like to see break camp with the big club?

The Amazin’ Avenue Annual is out. I’m going to get a print copy because I love seeing my name in print, but you can download it if you’re impatient. It’s really damn impressive.

A heroic Texas goat made a run for the Border, but was tranquilized by fascist Texan lawmen before he could even enjoy one taco.

Evidence of a snake that ate dinosaurs.

The Mets signed Kiko Calero. Kiko Calero is good.

Good news: Blood-spinning therapy is no longer controversial, plus this Daily News article contains a description of the World Anti-Doping Agency’s concerns about the treatment. Good job by them. My only complaint is that WADA is no longer headed by Dick Pound.

Alex Eisenberg from Baseball-Intellect.com drops by Amazin’ Avenue to break down Ike Davis’ swing. I love reading this stuff, and Alex does a nice job putting it all in digestible terms.

Speaking of Amazin’ Avenue, I got a sneak preview of the Amazin’ Avenue Annual. It’s, well, amazin’. I wrote a piece for it, but there’s nothing in there that’ll be new to TedQuarters readers. It’s the rest of it you should check out. It’s super long so I haven’t even scratched the surface yet, but it looks to be awesome.

I’m beginning to fear that Lost sucks now.

Spring Training games start today, weather permitting. Howard Megdal reminds us how little they matter.

I have a feeling this article provides a whole lot of basic background knowledge we’re going to want for the dystopian future.

How terrifying would it be to lift weights for two hours, run on the treadmill for 30 minutes, do 300 lateral sit-ups, then look in the mirror and realize you’re still Carrot Top?

Wait, why did no one tell me the Pirates play in Pirate City? Yarrrgh. How have I missed this for all these years?

Noted winner Alex Cora is referred to as “the ultimate loser.”

Aren’t we all in some way or another Jude Law’s love children?

Shocker: The Texas Cheese Fries at Chili’s are terrible for you. SPOILER ALERT: They’re probably also delicious.

I joined Matt, Greg and Steve on Seven Train to Shea last night to talk about the Mets’ early Spring Training news.