Optimistic Mets fan and commenter extraordinaire Ceetar spotted a Tostada on the menu at a shopping mall Taco Bell in Wayne, N.J.
It looks like this:
He reports: “Not missing much. Flat bean burrito basically.” But now we know!
Wayne!
I was talking about Taco Bell with a friend at a party last night, and another guy overheard us and pepped up.
“Are you guys talking about Taco Bell?” he asked. “I consider myself a Taco Bell aficionado.”
NOTE: This is a bad way to engage me at a social gathering if you hope to discuss anything besides Taco Bell within the next half hour. But while I was initially skeptical of this guy’s credentials as a Taco Bell aficionado, it turned out he had the resume to back it up: He soon produced a series of cell-phone photos from the time he ordered 200 tacos and 200 tostadas for some (presumably awesome) party he hosted.
His name is Neeraj and he’s legit. Here’s what his car’s trunk looked like when loaded with delicious, delicious Taco Bell:
What Taco Bell riches!
It turns out he purchased about $180 worth of Taco Bell stuff (there was way more of it in the backseat), disproving the longstanding urban legend that Taco Bell cash registers don’t even operate past the $20 mark. Neeraj said he called in advance to set up his order, which was a little disappointing to me because I like the idea of just rolling up to the drive-thru all like, “200 tacos, please!”
The other obvious issue here — and I’m sure a bunch of East Coast Taco Bell regulars have already raised their eyebrows — is the matter of Tostadas. Neeraj placed his epic Taco Bell order in Dallas, where Tostadas are regular menu items. Denver native Ted Burke reports that they are also on the menu in his hometown.
But as a New York-based Taco Bell enthusiast, I can’t say I’ve ever eaten a Tostada, nor am I even certain one has ever been made publicly available to me. The Tostada is not on Taco Bell’s online menu, but it’s listed on the nutrition facts page.
Is it delicious? Probably. Is it the type of thing they’d be willing to make me at my local Taco Bell even if it’s not on the menu? Maybe. I’ve got to assume it’s made up of all regular Taco Bell stuff, just in some other configuration, since, you know, so is everything at Taco Bell. Are they available at your Taco Bell? Can I have one?
And so the man defied the villagers and ate the taco. In defiance of the will of those people but also in defiance of some order older than he. Older than tortillas. Than the ancient and twisted cedars. How could we know his mind? We are all of us unknowable. Blind strangers passing on a mountain road.
The man laid there in the village square for three days and nights and took no food and spoke to no visitor. The older villagers said that the man should not have eaten the taco and no sane man would do so and the price of such folly was known to all.
If you only read one fake Cormac McCarthy Tumblr, make it this one. Via Tom.
Also, did anyone see the movie version of The Road? I loved the book, but the movie might have actually been too depressing. That’s the type of story you want to be able to put down and space out, I think. Great Omar work though.
I’ve got a theory about this. I actually wrote about it the last time the McRib poked its head out of its reconstituted burrow: In the 80s, when the McRib came out, most Americans didn’t have access to or a well-developed appreciation for southern barbecue food.
As a New Yorker, I’m not sure I ever even heard of a cuisine called “barbecue” until the late 90s — barbecue was, to me, only a verb: We barbecued hot dogs.
So the McRib was probably the first thing I ever ate slathered in barbecue sauce. And barbecue sauce — even the goopy, super-sweet McDonald’s barbecue sauce — is pretty delicious. The way I see it, the McRib seemed awesome to some people in the early 80s because they never ate actual ribs slathered in actual barbecue sauce, which are just way, way better than the McRib.
Now, barbecue restaurants are everywhere. I can walk to Virgil’s and Daisy Mae’s from here, or get on the subway and get to Hill Country and Dinosaur and Blue Smoke and Smoke Joint. Why am I going to settle for a McRib? If I want McDonald’s, I want something that tastes like McDonald’s — a Big Mac and fries, or Chicken McNuggets. If I want barbecue, I’m going elsewhere.
I suspect the only reason people make a big deal about the McRib now is nostalgia.
If this is some sort of Internet campaign to out me as a nerd, I’ll make things very easy for you guys: Yes, I’ve seen Monty Python and the Holy Grail dozens of times.
I thought it was about the funniest thing imaginable when I was 10, and I practically had the thing memorized. It’s the type of thing I quoted and referenced for so long that I now do so unintentionally, saying things like, “very well,” or “it’s a silly place,” to (attempted) comic effect because they’re part of my, ahh — oh lord — idiom.
So yeah, I have a bevy of quotes at my disposal to answer Jay’s question and a paraphrase to speak to Vinny’s. But I’ll skip them, because SABR-friendly sandwich-blogging is nerdy enough on its own.
Oh man, really? That’s awful news.
Unfortunately, moving to Manhattan means I won’t be able to stay on the Taco Bell beat as vigilantly as I did in Hawthorne. There’s a weird Taco Bell tucked into the back of a deli on 3rd Ave. in the 50s, not far from where I get on the subway. So I’ll be able to get my fix when I need it.
But it’s a well-documented fact that Taco Bell tastes better in the suburbs. This is likely partly due to the scarcity of Taco Bell in Manhattan proper. But it’s also that you usually have a car in the suburbs, and suburban Taco Bells have drive-thrus. You don’t even have to get out. It’s amazing.
Anyway, that’s terrible news about the $5 Cheesy Gordita Crunch box. According to TacoBell.com, the featured Big Box Meal is the Chicken Flatbread Sandwich box. And the Chicken Flatbread Sandwich is no substitute for the Cheesy Gordita Crunch.
Originally posted Aug. 31, 2011:
Taco Bell chief marketing officer David Ovens has resigned from the company. Mr. Ovens, who has been with Yum since 2007, reportedly resigned for personal reasons and is returning to Australia with his family. Mr. Creed is expected to oversee the company’s marketing function until a replacement for is found.
– Maureen Morrison, Advertising Age.
Dear Taco Bell,
Perhaps you know me. I write a sports and sandwich blog of minor repute and I am your biggest fan.
I chose my current place of residence in part because of its proximity to a Taco Bell location. I went to Taco Bell on my wedding day, in between the ceremony and reception. I own an autographed copy of Glen Bell’s authorized biography, Taco Titan. I co-founded the Taco Bell Wiki.
I enjoy my current job very much; I cover the baseball team I grew up loving and I have the freedom to write about pretty much anything I want. But I’m willing to give all that up to be Taco Bell’s new Chief Marketing Officer, assuming the position comes with a hefty salary and a boatload of free tacos. A company car would be nice too, but we’ll settle that when we get to the negotiating phase.
And though I lack any sort of marketing experience, I trust you’ll follow the sage advice of my predecessor and Think Outside the BunTM on this one. What exactly does a Chief Marketing Officer do? I have no idea. But I bet it involves telling people about how great Taco Bell is, and so I bet I’d be pretty damn good at it. I believe in your product, Taco Bell.
If I were to be hired as your Chief Marketing Officer, I would implement my Triple-Decker Taco agenda, the following three-tiered plan to further strengthen the Taco Bell brand. The three tiers are: Interactivity, Accountability, and Crunchy Red Strips.
Interactivity: Let’s face it, Taco Bell: They’re onto you. Every savvy taco eater realizes that almost all new Taco Bell menu items come from creating new combinations of ingredients already present on the Taco Bell menu. Let’s put pretense out to pasture and turn taco innovation over to the community.
I’ve presented this idea before but I fear it fell on deaf ears: The Taco Bell website should feature an interface wherein Taco Bell fans can create new menu items out of existing Taco Bell ingredients. Think of it like a paper doll, except instead of putting clothes on a doll we’re putting Lava Sauce on a theoretical Gordita. Then someone with access to a Taco Bell kitchen — specifically me — can test out the most promising suggested Taco Bell creations and select a few to feature in an online poll. Users vote on the best-looking new product, and we serve it for a limited time at participating locations.
That’s Taco Bell 2.0, brother.
We could also poll users on which classic limited-run menu item to bring back. Except we’d have to rig the poll, because I’d really like to try a Bacon Cheeseburger Burrito.
Accountability: Have you ever been to the Taco Bell restaurant in Elmsford, N.Y.? It’s the Worst Taco Bell in the World. Sometimes you have to wait like 20 minutes in the drive-thru line. You could make your own tacos in that much time. Plus, they almost never have the red shells for Volcano Tacos. And heaven forbid you want no tomatoes on your Baja Beef Gordita, it’s practically even money they’ll serve it to you with tomatoes and without Baja Beef.
We can’t have this happen, Taco Bell. Someone needs to hold local franchisees accountable for their restaurants so that every Taco Bell store can operate as efficiently as the ones in Hempstead and Oceanside, N.Y. — fine Taco Bells both. The only way I can think of to ensure quality-of-service across all locations is to have one guy travel the country ordering and eating Taco Bell.
I can be that guy, Taco Bell.
That bell on your logo should mean something. I know it means something to me. We need to make sure it resonates with the melodious ring of cheese-drenched awesomeness, not the discordant clang of a disappointing dining experience.
Crunchy Red Strips: Seriously, Taco Bell, do you have any idea how good the Crunchy Red Strips are? Why are they not in more stuff? They’re the perfect way to add crunchiness to portable menu items, and yet they’re only included in like four things.
Let’s change that. As Chief Marketing Officer, I would see to it that we create more driver-friendly menu items featuring and/or focused around the Crunchy Red Strips. And I’d make sure all Taco Bell employees are trained to add Crunchy Red Strips to any existing menu item (for a small additional charge, of course) in an even and appropriate manner.
Clearly, increased interactivity, accountability and Crunchy Red Strips will help power Taco Bell — all Taco Bells — to the forefront of fast-food dining experiences. This is how we win the franchise wars. I am your destiny, Taco Bell.
I eagerly await your response, Taco Bell. My resume is available upon request.
Love,
Ted
Packing up to move, I came across a notebook I kept to entertain myself while I worked in a high school in 2004. Like many of my old notebooks, it’s mostly filled with bad song lyrics, odd and usually quite pretentious free-writing exercises, and lists of things I needed to do. (Obligations listed in this one include: “Wash dog,” “return football,” “eels CD,” and “play guitar.”)
It also contains a poem I wrote about the Crunchwrap Supreme right after it first came out. This was written years ago, while I was still developing my Taco-Bell-writing voice. So it’s a bit raw. But because computer trouble at work prevented me from posting anything more substantive here this afternoon, I figured I’d transcribe it:
A Crunch Supreme
Prepared fresh and expedient,
the same five ingredients
in a new combination;
synergistic innovation.
Soft yet crunchy,
edible contradiction
Mexican Pizza, Soft Taco,
in a whole new position.
Beef, lettuce, nacho cheese,
no tomatoes for me please.
At a dollar ninety-nine,
it feels like a crime.
I’d like it “supreme”
(Mexican for “with sour cream”).
How? Who? When?
I’m filled up with questions.
What is responsible for
this delectable invention?
Who sat around
for hours and hours
creating this medium
for raw taco power?
Wrap and Crunch,
together at last.
I just ate two,
bring another one fast.
ALBANY, GA – An unsatisfied customer fire-bombed the Taco Bell on North Slappey Boulevard in Albany.
The area under the drive thru was burned by a molotov cocktail….
The restaurant manager says an irate customer phoned them a few hours earlier to complain there wasn’t enough meat in his Chalupas.
– WALB.com.
What? No. Dude, just… no.
Lord knows we’ve all been upset some time or another with the taco construction at Taco Bell. It happens. Maybe your tacos were made by an inexperienced and/or disgruntled employee, or maybe you caught them right at the end of one bag of seasoned ground beef and they didn’t want to take up too much of your time to open another. And that’s frustrating. I’m with you on that one, bro.
But no matter how poor the quality of your Taco Bell order, DO NOT firebomb the Taco Bell.
First of all, there’s a pretty good chance you’re going to get arrested and go to jail. And you know what sucks about jail? No Taco Bell.
Also: Just think of how the other inmates will treat you when they find out you’re there for trying to burn down a Taco Bell. That’s not going to win you any friends in the clink. Those dudes spend years doing push-ups and thinking about how great it would be to be on the outside double-fisting MexiMelts, and now here comes the new fish and what’d he do? He tried to destroy the dream!
Furthermore, have you even considered the way your actions might impact Taco Bell’s price structure? If people start regularly firebombing Taco Bells — and who knows? This could prompt an unfortunate trend — that’s going to jack up their insurance rates. And you think they’re being stingy with the meat now!
Sir, I also love seasoned ground beef and fire so I imagine we see eye to eye on a lot of things. But no matter how heartbreaking it is to bite into a subpar Chalupa, arson is never the answer.
If you burn down the Taco Bell, that Taco Bell won’t exist anymore (or at least for a while, until they rebuild it). And you wouldn’t even know to be disappointed with your Taco Bell order were it not for the lofty standards set by Taco Bell itself. Am I blowing your mind right now?
There are so many better ways to express your dissatisfaction. You could ask for the manager. Picket. Write a letter.
Or, if all that fails, you could just drive to the other Taco Bell in town. You know, the one over on East Oglethorpe between Captain D’s Seafood and the Western Sizzlin’ steakhouse. If you see the Hardee’s, you’ve gone too far.
Again.
The early morning Oct. 1 exchange happened at a Taco Bell in Jensen Beach. A manager said a Chevrolet pick-up was in front of the drive through lane and the driver may have fallen asleep. The manager told dispatchers the driver’s foot was on the accelerator, the engine was revving and smoke was coming from the vehicle.
A deputy asked for his ID, and he said, “No.” Asked again for ID, Falkner stared, laughed and started to reach in his Taco Bell bag and take out a taco. Another deputy told Falkner they asked not for a taco, but for his ID. He shrugged and laughed again, and eventually began trying to eat the taco….
Falkner was told to step out. He put down his taco and taco bag, and deputies noticed the pick-up’s engine was on fire. Fire extinguishers were used to squelch the small blaze.
There’s just nothing I can add.
As a reminder: Verlander led the Majors in wins, innings pitched, strikeouts and WHIP in 2011.
Via @GSchif.
On Friday evenings throughout middle school, my friends and I played basketball and showcased our NBA replica jerseys at the Rockville Centre rec center. I rocked Alonzo Mourning’s 33 and did yeoman’s work in the low post. I never really loved playing, but it was a place to hang out and there were usually girls there.
I guess the point of the open-court nights was to keep kids from aimlessly wandering the streets causing trouble, because the only strict rule was that we were not supposed to leave and come back. But the supervisor dude, Juan, had a crush on my sister and would let us walk across Sunrise Highway to the nearby Taco Bell if we promised to bring him back a couple of tacos.
That was, I’m pretty sure, when I first came to love Taco Bell.
So it hurt me someplace deep in my soul when I drove past the Rockville Centre Taco Bell a few weeks ago to find it leveled, its plot surrounded by a construction fence with no clear indication of what would replace it.
Luckily, dude-I-know-from-high-school Anthony Bottan has the scoop:
According to Clint Langley, construction manager for Taco Bell, they razed the Taco Bell at 570 Sunrise Highway about two months ago and are currently constructing a more efficient, albeit slightly smaller version of it to better serve customers. Langley said the interior layout will resemble a rectangle — rather than a square like in the original model — which will alter the kitchen layout and allow for quicker service.
“We have a new, prototype kitchen layout that’s more efficient,” Langley said. “It will give customers a quicker experience.”
A new, prototype Taco Bell? In my own hometown! Color me intrigued. I mean, how much more streamlined could the creation process at Taco Bell really be? Are they arming employees with semi-automatic sour-cream guns? Self-wrapping burritos?
I should note that once we started driving, we abandoned that Taco Bell for the significantly better Taco Bells in Oceanside and Hempstead. Not only was the Rockville Centre location slower than most — inefficiency I hope will be improved by the new kitchen — but because of some draconian local statute the drive-thru closed at 11 p.m. and you actually had to get out of your car and enter the dining room for a proper Fourthmeal.
Will that ordinance be lifted upon the opening of the new Taco Bell? What’s up with that rule anyway? Get on it, Bottan.
Tedquarters 