Why thank you!

That was a pathetic, ridiculous article you wrote about how the team should keep Wright because they are reconfiguring and lowering the fences to David the Whiner Wrights specifications. Get rid of him, he’s useless, he struck out more anything last season anyhow. What guarantee is there with the fences being moved in he will hit any more home runs than he did last season. You make me laugh your so pathetic, as is David Wright

– Brian, via email.

Why thank you, Brian! Your insight is appreciated.

I’d provide a more substantive response or explain the various ways in which the things you think I said are not actually what I said, but I’m going to defer to Patrick Flood on this one. He just put out the first of a three-part thing on David Wright and the Citi Field wall, and it seems like it’s going to be pretty damn awesome.

Resisting urge to use *that* headline

Frazier, who died last night after a brief battle with liver cancer at the age of 67, will forever be linked to Ali. But no one in boxing would dream of anointing Ali as The Greatest unless he, too, was linked to Smokin’ Joe….

In their third and final fight, in Manila in 1975, they traded punches with a fervor that seemed unimaginable among heavyweights. Frazier gave almost as good as he got for 14 rounds, then had to be held back by trainer Eddie Futch as he tried to go out for the final round, unable to see.

“Closest thing to dying that I know of,” Ali said afterward of his experience.

Associated Press.

With a few exceptions, boxing — especially in the heavyweight division — seems like a dying art now. Clearly mixed martial arts have cut into its popularity or perhaps supplanted it in the national spotlight (though I have struggled to appreciate the aesthetic intricacies of that sport in my limited exposure to it). I used to be able to chart the succession of heavyweight champions with some certitude, and I couldn’t even tell you which Klitschko holds which belt today.

Maybe I’ve just lost interest. Obviously Manny Pacquiao is sweet, and I know there’s still tons of intrigue in some of the lighter divisions. Whatever. I didn’t set out to write a requiem for boxing.

For a while — specifically, during my freshman year of college — I thought boxing was about the best non-baseball sport imaginable. I was studying empiricism at the time, and I guess boxing seemed like the perfect, stripped-down athletic pursuit: Two guys with very limited equipment beating the hell out of each other to determine who would… I don’t know, secure alpha male status or something.

A couple times a week I went to Finley’s Boxing Club, this almost too-perfect gym above an auto-body shop in Northeast DC, wallpapered in fight posters and soundtracked by an awesome cacophony of ringing bells, whirring ropes, fists pounding punching bags and a boombox blaring soul music. The old trainer guy there — Mr. Finley — said I looked like an actor on a soap opera and called me “Hollywood,” which made me feel awesome.

I weighed 175 pounds at the time — In the Best Shape of My Life, in the parlance of Spring Training baseball. Before my senior year of high school football, when I was hellbent on breaking some of my brother’s school weightlifting records, I checked in at about 230. I switched defensive positions and dropped about 30 pounds over the course of that season. I lost another 10 before I graduated, then 15 more in an ill-fated two-month stint on the freshman crew team.

I watched old fights whenever I could (this was before YouTube), and for a variety of reasons I was drawn to Frazier. For one thing, I had read that he took up boxing to lose weight. For another, it felt like his strengths were some I could emulate: He wasn’t tall, but he was relentless. He could take a punch, and get inside a guy and go to work on his body.

I never got past sparring, but even that is about the most taxing athletic activity I’ve ever endeavored. The boxing priest who introduced me to the gym compared every round to a three-minute sprint. That’s about right. The adrenaline rush of chasing down an opposing running back in football can’t compare to the one that comes from standing in a small ring with a dude who’s trying to punch you in the face.

Oh — I sucked, by the way. Lest you think this is any sort of bragging, I should mention that I normally got my ass handed to me in every sparring session. I often matched up with this guy named Guy, a wiry 6’4″ ex-Marine. He jabbed me to hell, and his left hand was usually strong enough to keep me from getting inside like I planned. But even getting beat down was fun as hell in some masochistic way.

Eventually, I took up more typically collegiate pursuits like drinking and standup comedy, and my interest in dedicating hours of my free time getting beaten up waned. I met Frazier and interviewed a few years later at a charity boxing event in DC featuring then up-and-comer Michael Grant (who, Wikipedia tells me, is still going). Nice guy. Great hat.

Bold Flavors Snack of the Week

More sandwich reviews coming soon, I promise. Been really busy with all this moving and such.

Anyway, here’s an easy recipe:

1) Go to the deli counter at Fairway. Take a number.
2) After ordering a week’s worth of lunchmeats, notice the delicious-looking knishes in the display.
3) Order a knish. (OPTIONAL: Remember you’re married and ask for another.)
4) Bring the knishes home and put them in the toaster oven at 350-degrees for about 20 minutes.
5) Remove and eat.

Bold Flavors Snack of the Week: Knish

Man, why don’t we eat more knishes? In college, I met a bunch of people who weren’t from New York and had never even heard of a knish. Could you imagine? They’re so delicious, so relatively simple, and yet limited in availability to such a small portion of the country. Why?

If you’re unfamiliar: A knish, in its most basic incarnation, is essentially just mashed potatoes wrapped in pastry. That’s the square kind shown above — billed as “Coney Island Knish” at Fairway. There are a bunch of fancier, round knishes with various fillings in addition to potato, and at high-end knisheries they’ll tell you the square types are nonsense. Whatever. They’re amazing.

As you can see, I served myself my knish with mustard, ketchup and sriracha. It turned out sriracha was no good on a knish, so just pretend that’s not there. Mustard is the traditional knish condiment. I don’t want to get into another whole debate, but I like a little ketchup on there too, for sweetness. Mostly mustard, though.

Point is, you bite into the slightly crispy, chewy, salty pastry part of the knish to reveal a center of delicious molten mashed potatoes, smooth and peppery. It’s tasty enough on its own, but as a vehicle for mustard (and a little ketchup), it’s outstanding.

I just don’t think we’re doing enough with savory pastries in general.

This, so hard

One high-ranking front office insider said that, when Citi Field’s new dimensions were being considered, “there was a lot of discussion about Wright,” and how it would help him. Wright hit 14 home runs last season, in an injury-shortened year. The Mets expect the new homer-friendlier field to boost his value far higher than it is right now. The team’s top decision-makers view it as illogical to deal Wright before he has the chance to benefit from the alterations.

Andy Martino, N.Y. Daily News.

I’ve said almost this same exact thing here before, but again: This, so hard.

If the Mets believe the Citi Field walls had some effect on their hitters beyond those that can be measured — the psychological or mechanical ones so often suggested, for example — then it makes no sense to trade the hitter most obviously impacted by those walls before he can even play in the reconfigured stadium.

For a long time I was convinced David Wright’s struggles from 2009-2011 had nothing to do with Citi Field. I pointed to the park factor and his home-road splits and various injuries. And I’m still open to the possibility that it’s just a massive coincidence that as soon as Citi Field opened Wright went all weird offensively.

But I mean, look at the back of the baseball card. Wright was amazingly consistent from 2005 to 2008. There’s no obvious reason he should suddenly lose his power and start striking out way more at age 26. And don’t tell me it’s the Matt Cain fastball, either — Wright was having a very strange 2009 long before that happened.

Trading Wright this offseason makes so little sense for so many reasons. It’s bizarre that it keeps coming up.

Cricket-fighting revival underway

Countless members of the Gryllus bimaculatus clan, also known as field crickets, have faced off in the capital’s narrow alleys this fall in a uniquely Chinese blood sport whose provenance extends back more than 1,000 years. Nurtured by Tang Dynasty emperors and later popularized by commoners outside the palace gates, cricket fighting was banned as a bourgeois predilection during the decade-long Cultural Revolution, which ended in 1976.

But like many once-suppressed traditions, among them Confucianism, mah-jongg and pigeon raising, cricket fighting is undergoing a revival here, spurred on by a younger generation — well, mostly young men — eager to embrace genuinely Chinese pastimes.

Andrew Jacobs, N.Y. Times.

Please tell me this is happening somewhere in New York. Chinatown? Sunset Park? If anyone has a line on an underground cricket-fighting ring, I will pay you money to get me in to a fight. Not like, in the fight against a cricket — that wouldn’t be fair. I just want to get in to the arena to watch the crickets fight, and maybe bet some cash on the cricket I think looks heartiest.

Same goes for cockfighting, and really any illicit animal blood sport. Not that I advocate animal cruelty — I don’t. I just want to check out the scene. I won’t narc you out or anything. Email me.

Actually, for my science fair project in high school I examined social dominance in crayfish, which essentially meant watching a bunch of crayfish fight in a tank in this weird lab-closet in the back of one of the school’s science classrooms. Most crayfish fights kind of suck, actually, but every once in a while they’ll really throw down.

Dude, we need to take a band photo

“Dude, we need to take a band photo.”
“Alright, I just need to shave.”
“What? DUDE NO!”
“C’mon man, my mom’s going to see this.”
“Your mom’s already got plenty of photos of me.”
“OHHHH!”
“NAKED PHOTOS!”
“Shut up, guys. Can we just take it already?”
“No way, bro. It can’t be here. It should be, like, grimy.”
“Yeah, yeah — like someplace, like, apocalyptic and stuff.”
“Hell yeah bro. Rock and roll”
(Half hour later)
“This is the place.”
“Dude what are you doing? We can’t all look at the camera! That’s lame, dude!”
“We can’t all stand next to each other! What the hell? That’s f@#$ing gay!”
“OK everyone say, ‘cheese!'”
“I’ll murder you dead bro.”
[poll id=”42″]

Next, Adam Sandler gets to be the Jets’ offensive coordinator

The brash-talking Jets coach plays, of all things, a New England Patriots fan in an upcoming movie starring Adam Sandler. NFL Network’s Rich Eisen revealed the news on his Thursday podcast that featured Sandler.

Ryan plays a Boston lawyer in “I Hate You, Dad,” which was filmed in Massachusetts last summer.

Manish Mehta, N.Y. Daily News.

Pretty much everything both Rex Ryan and Adam Sandler do these days prompts a hell of a lot of snark, but I’ll tell you this much: I’m going to see the hell out of this movie.

Jack and Jill looks awful, as did I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry and Grown Ups. But as far as I’m concerned, Adam Sandler can do whatever he wants.

I learned so much about what I think is funny from Sandler’s first two comedy albums, “They’re All Gonna Laugh at You” and “What the Hell Happened to Me?”. If I never encountered those tapes as a teenager, I imagine you’d be reading a very, very different website right now — or maybe not reading it at all. If this site entertains you, you owe something to Adam Sandler.

Very, very few comedians remain funny and relevant for any extended period of time. There are a lot of reasons why, none I’m too eager to hash out here. But obviously everyone knows Sandler’s goofy shtick now and he has drifted toward self-parody, so it’s easy to take shots at him.

I can’t because I still like him too much. I actually think it’s kind of sad, in a nostalgic sort of way, that people see Adam Sandler now as the guy doing silly things in (presumably) awful movies like Jack and Jill instead of the guy doing silly things in hysterical movies like Billy Madison.

And I imagine there will be enough easy chuckles in I Hate You, Dad for me to get through it in support of Rex Ryan’s acting career.

Not looking forward to the inevitable “Rex Ryan should spend less time making Adam Sandler movies and more time studying film” columns though. How dare he do anything else!

Language not nearly safe for work:

The People vs. Nickelback

But now that [the Lions are] 6-2 and on their way to a potential playoff berth, the Turkey Day matchup with their division rival, defending Super Bowl champs the Green Bay Packers, has suddenly taken on a lot more significance – which is why their fans are furious that the team has booked Nickelback to be the halftime entertainment.

They’re so angry that one fan started an online petition to have the Lions change the halftime show.

Steve Baltin, Rolling Stone.

Here’s the thing about Nickelback: Who likes Nickelback? Seriously. Have you or anyone you know ever enjoyed any music performed by Nickelback? Is there anyone in the entire world who’s like, “hell yeah, ‘Photograph’ is a dope jam”?

It makes no sense. They sell tons and tons of albums and still get booked to play NFL halftime shows, and yet you will never find anyone who purports to be an unironic fan of the band Nickelback. Is it that their bland brand of fist-pumping post-grunge is considered so inoffensive that lots of people buy their godawful records to play as background music in gyms* and Wal-Marts?

It can’t be that, because I find Nickelback’s music offensive. And I can’t imagine I’m alone. In fact I feel stupid even ripping them. It’s like the music-writing equivalent of a Charlie Sheen roast. Too easy.

I’ll say this, though: Some big record company has offices on the 30th floor of this building. You can always pick out the executives because they’re all fit dudes in their 40s and 50s who wear t-shirts and blazers with designer jeans and fancy shoes.

One time I got on the elevator to find three of them, in uniform, discussing some new band. During the ride one of them said, “I really think they could be the next Nickelback.”

I instinctively and quite audibly chortled, figuring the guy meant it derisively. But all three of them shot me dirty looks, and we rode the rest of the way down in awkward silence. To these guys, being the next Nickelback is a good thing. They’re eager to find the next Nickelback.

Think about that. Right now, not 30 feet above me, there are dudes in expensive jeans sitting around trying to identify bands that are somehow like Nickelback, that they will then foist upon an unsuspecting society that already gets way, way more than its fill of Nickelback. Is there some way to stop them? Am I obligated to do something about it?

I’m only one man. And I’m not sure they’d respect the opinions of anyone in Old Navy pants anyway. But what’s happening in Detroit — this is a good first step.

That city has as rich a musical history as any in this country. And it has, as has been well-documented, fallen on some hard times. The last thing the people of Detroit need now is Nickelback. Hell, the last thing any of us need now is Nickelback. Sign the petition and let those dudes in the elevator know it’s time to stop looking for the next Nickelback and start looking for the next Stevie Wonder.

*- True story: When “This is How You Remind Me” first blew up, I happened to be in a good workout phase. My friend and I decided that we would use Nickelback’s prevalence in the gym’s music rotation to time our workouts — we exercised until Nickelback came on, then knew it was time to leave. But eventually Nickelback came on so frequently that we found we weren’t getting good enough workouts, because we’d never be there more than 20 minutes before that stupid song started playing. FOR HANDIN’ YOU A HEART WORTH BREAKIN’!

LOLMets

If they decide to proceed without him, the Mets could shop Pagan and, if that fails, nontender him. In that scenario, which has been a solid possibility since midsummer, the Mets will likely seek a strong fielder – and an affordable one.

His is a name loaded with Disney drama and back-page dishonor, but Rick Ankiel could be the right outfielder for the price.

Andy Martino, N.Y. Daily News.

LOLMets.

The Mets insist they want to retain Jose Reyes, but at their reasonable price and, well, they really should stop saying that.

It is akin to going into a Mercedes dealership, badly wanting a new model and telling a salesman you are willing to go as high as $5,000 to get one.

Joel Sherman, N.Y. Post.

LOLMets!

The Mets’ winning percentage under Minaya: .521. In Alderson’s first year, it was .475. When Omar took over in 2005, the team improved its record by 12 games from the prior year. Under Alderson, the Mets got two games worse.

Jack Dickey, Deadspin.

LOLOLOLOLMETS!!

What is it, like, the third day of the offseason?