Border patrol

Taking a victory lap around the tactical retreat by the lawyers who had sued it for its beef not being beefy enough, Taco Bell took out a full-page ad asking the firm to say “sorry.”

The ads ran this week in the Wall Street Journal, LA Times, and the New York Times and were done in the same style of the “thank you” ads they took out when the suit first surfaced.

Ben Popkin, Consumerist.

Sweet. Besides the fact that it makes sense for Taco Bell to be broken up about a frivolous lawsuit besmirching its delicious name, I’m happy to know that Taco Bell is about as petty as I am when it comes to defending itself. Cheesy, melty and petty.

You can click through for the full text of the ad. Turns out Taco Bell was right from the beginning, never misled anyone about what they’re serving, and wants an apology. And you know, why not? If one of our inalienable rights in this country is to sue anybody we want whenever we damn please, another should be calling out the litigious when they are clearly wrong.

Anyway, if Taco Bell is looking for a way to draw attention away from the lawsuit and start generating positive taco press again, I have a solid suggestion: Pay me a ton of money to create new Taco Bell concepts.

Think about it: “Taco Bell hires sports and sandwich blogger of minor repute as Chief Futurist!” That’s the type of headline that sells Gorditas, amigo.

My first move? My web-based create-a-Taco-Bell-thing initiative. For those unfamiliar: Taco Bell should use a flash-driven interface to allow Internet users to suggest and name new Taco Bell products by combining the ingredients already used in Taco Bell items.

That’s — and I’m letting you in on a dirty little secret here — pretty much how Taco Bell already creates new products, so why not make it interactive? The person who comes up with the best idea gets a bunch of free Taco Bell, and Taco Bell sells that person’s creation in stores for a limited time.

And you know what else? Guess who’s going to win that contest? Me, baby! Me. Step to the Magma Gordita Crunch, the TexiMelt, the Bacon Cheeseburger Burrito, the Chalupacabra. You can’t.

Get this done Taco Bell. Then the only apology you’ll be demanding will be from me, for not offering my awesome services to you earlier. We can work together, Taco Bell.

Oh, and if by some chance I now have your attention: The Taco Bell on Route 9A in Elmsford, N.Y. sucks. They don’t even have red taco shells for their Volcano tacos and everything always takes forever. And we can work on maximizing that store’s efficiency just as soon as you start sporking over the cash.

Mets win a game!

Well that was fun.

The big takeaways, I’d say? David Wright smacking the crap out of the ball, for one thing. You had to know it’d happen eventually, but it’s always better it comes sooner than later. Here’s hoping Wright stays hot for a while, because with Beltran hitting the way he has been and Jason Bay back in the lineup, they might actually win, you know, more than one game.

Angel Pagan pulled a muscle Tim McCarver didn’t know existed until recently. Pagan says he’ll only need a few days, but teams rightfully like to be cautious with oblique injuries. (Hey here’s an idea: Make Pagan only bat from one side of the plate while he’s hurt! What could possibly go wrong?) Anyway, this is cockeyed optimism but maybe Pagan could use a few days out of the lineup to figure some things out.

A reality check for those convinced that Kirk Nieuwenhuis is going to get called up and Wally Pipp Pagan: Captain Kirk finished last year with a .327 on-base percentage across two Minor League levels and a bunch of strikeouts, so he likely still needs some work on his approach. Also, there’s almost no way he would cover as much ground in the outfield as Pagan does, even if Pagan has made a few glaring misplays of late. Nieuwenhuis is a big, athletic dude and sometimes everything just clicks for a guy, but I wouldn’t bet on him being better than Pagan anytime soon. He’s off to a hot start and Pagan isn’t, but these things have a way of balancing out in time.

The biggest thing about last night’s win, maybe, is that for the second straight night the Mets only needed to use one reliever. Good on Ken Oberkfell for using Taylor Buchholz for a second inning in the ninth; no sense tiring out another guy when you’re sitting on an eight-run lead. It was no secret that the Mets’ bullpen needed rest pretty desperately, and now that it’s back to a normal size it’s good that the starting pitchers are providing some length.

Also, thanks to the AP, here’s Justin Turner creepily photobombing David Wright:

What he said

A few minutes Terry Collins exhibited some Grade-A Backman-caliber buntsmanship last night and the Mets lost what felt like their 700th straight game, R.A. Dickey said this:

We have to find a way to be honest with ourselves about what kind of team we are. We can’t just keep telling ourselves, ‘Oh, we’re a better team than this.’ We may not be. And we’ve got to be honest about that, and identify what we’re doing wrong, and do it better. That’s the only way you have any real growth.

This. That is to say, that. What he said.

I’ve been bleating on all season about how the Mets are indeed a better than this, and rationally I believe they must be — partly because it’s almost impossible for a Major League Baseball team to be worse. So when Terry Collins insists the wins will come, it doesn’t sound insane to me because I recognize that randomness dominates almost everything that happens on a baseball field, that there are bizarre twists-and-turns to every year, and that every early-season outcome is amplified by the small sample size.

Frustrated Mets fans have told me in the past few days that if I can’t see that this is essentially the single worst team in the history of baseball, then I must not know anything about baseball. I don’t really feel the need to counter that argument — no one’s forcing anyone to read this site — but if I did, I’d probably say that my understanding of how a steaming pile of early-season awfulness can skew perceptions is actually the direct product of a 20-some year study of the sport. And I’d add that the most important things I’ve learned about baseball is that the whole Socratic knowing-that-you-know-not thing almost always applies, and that making sweeping declarative statements about anything happening in the game based on 18 games is a meandering road toward Looking-Like-A-Dunceville, a town in which I’ve certainly spent plenty of time.

The Mets’ lineup, starting tonight, features at least three excellent players, three decent players, and two guys who might very well prove decent and haven’t yet shown themselves to be terrible. It’s difficult to envision them hitting like one of the league’s worst offensive teams all year unless you really believe David Wright’s going to finish with the Alex Cora-like hitting line he’s rocking so far. Given the amount of history we have to show that David Wright is much, much, much, much, much, much better than Alex Cora, thinking he’s suddenly not would pretty much make you a crazy person.

The pitching could be an issue all season, but it, too, almost has to improve. The Mets currently have a collective 77 ERA+, and no team in the past 20 years has finished with a number that low. It might go back way further than that, too; I just got bored of clicking and sorting on baseball-reference.com. You can cobble together a staff of Pat Mischy guys and count on pitching better than the Mets have had so far, so once they settle on the best mix and some guys settle in, it will at least be better, if never good.

Back to Dickey. Even with all that said, the Mets, from the manager to the bench to the bullpen to the lineup to the rotation, have done themselves few favors in the early goings of the 2011 campaign, little to stack the odds in their favor. All teams make fundamental mistakes, and it’s easy to pick ’em out and pile on when a team is going poorly, but fundamental flaws in the approach to the gare — glaring, premeditated mental errors — are harder to excuse. And there have been some of those, too.

I can’t pretend to understand what motivates baseball players to shake themselves awake and start playing like men who reached the absurdly competitive heights of professional sport, so if Dickey says it’s time for them to step back, be honest and start trying to fix things, it’s hard for me to argue. I don’t know exactly how that process works, but with the team spending every evening digging itself deeper into a rut and further from playing even a single meaningful game this season, yeah, I’d say it’s probably about time it happens.

Stop bunting

I mean, holy crap. Even if sacrifice bunting were guaranteed to be successful, you’d still be giving away an out, an offense’s most precious commodity. And it’s not guaranteed to be successful. Hell, with this particular Mets club, it actually seems to be a freaking longshot.

And let’s forget for now that Jose Reyes is one of the best basestealers in baseball, that he already had two steals in tonight’s game and that he was 8-for-8 stealing bases on the season when Terry Collins called for Josh Thole to bunt him to second. Say for the sake of argument that Reyes couldn’t have stolen a base there because, I don’t know, he couldn’t get a great read on Brandon Lyon or something. Why are you playing for one run anyway? The leadoff hitter was on with the middle of the order coming up, including a red-hot Carlos Beltran. Why not aim for a crooked number and a walk-off win?

So you can tie the game and put more innings in the hands of your powder keg of a bullpen, the same one that’s blown basically every lead for two weeks? Is that the plan? Tie it up and turn it over to Tim Byrdak?

C’mon. Just… c’mon.

Twitter Q&A-style product, part 3

Last one:

There were a few questions about the Doritos Loco Taco, which is, of course, the Taco Bell taco made with a Nacho-Cheese Doritos shell. I haven’t had one yet. I have heard rumors that they’re available at the Taco Bell on 14th and 5th here in Manhattan, but no one has confirmed this for me. Can anyone? Anyone live down there want to walk over and check it out? I don’t want to waste a subway ride if they don’t have ’em. Can you, like, call a Taco Bell and ask for the menu? Do Taco Bells even have phones?

As for the @TacoBell Twitter account’s staunch refusal to acknowledge me, I’m at a loss. I mean, I get that they’re not likely to say anything when I call out the Worst Taco Bell in the World — on Route 9A in Elmsford, N.Y. — for being the worst Taco Bell in the world. But you can’t hook a brother up with knowledge of test markets? I guess they like to keep that stuff under wraps so I don’t, I don’t know, impact their market research or something. But still!

According to the website-about-a-website WeFollow.com, I am the second most influential Taco Bell Twitterer on the Twitter, behind the @TacoBellCanada account. You’ll note that the official @TacoBell account, despite over 120K followers, does not even make the list. Now it could simply be that the team of marketing interns at Taco Bell running the account never thought to submit it to the relatively useless WeFollow.com, or — or! — it could be that by WeFollow.com’s complicated system it has determined that I am just a significantly more influential Taco Bell-themed Twitter user than Taco Bell’s corporate account.

So maybe they’re jealous, is what I’m saying.

I agree wholeheartedly. If Bloomberg doesn’t ride the new roller coasters, it says: “I am a resident of the five boroughs that is not interested in checking out all my local roller-coaster options, so I am sort of lame.” And, without delving too deeply into politics, that’s just not a message I think I’d want to send if I were ever mayor.

Coney Island is sweet. One of the many things I miss about living in Brooklyn is the ability to ride my bike down to the Coney Island boardwalk to check out its weird mix of awesome things to do and macabre urban-carnival decay, much of which, I understand, isn’t there anymore. But I suppose now there’s new stuff to do there that will itself in time become forlorn and creepy. So that’s exciting.

Over.

Twitter Q&A-style product, part 2

There were a couple of trade-deadline questions; I’m going with this one. First off, I would be shocked if David Wright gets traded.  I don’t think anyone should ever be considered “untouchable” by any means, but it seems like you’re going to need to get a hell of a lot back for Wright, considering he’s a) awesome and b) under contract for 2012 with a reasonable team option for 2013. He’s a big enough piece that it’s going to require a lot back, and deals that big are difficult to hammer out in ways that appear to benefit both sides.

As for Jose Reyes, Carlos Beltran, Francisco Rodriguez: Who knows? If the Mets are out of it and Beltran is healthy they’ll undoubtedly try to move him, since he has a clause in his contract that prevents the club from collecting compensatory draft picks. But it’s tough to move players with contracts his size (or ridiculous vesting options, for that matter). I’ve long held that approaching the deadline as a “buyer” or “seller” is a bad way to do it; teams should merely look to exploit inefficiencies to best benefit the club, however that may be.

Anyway, to answer the question: I wouldn’t be too concerned about that. As long as there are physical places on Minor League (or Major League) fields to put them, there’s never any issue with a logjam of prospects. I had a brief Twitter exchange the other day with a reader who wondered why the Mets ever kept Brad Emaus around in the first place, since Reese Havens is the second baseman of the future.

How often do prospects actually work out? Very rarely. And it’s really, really difficult to predict which will become stars, which will become average Major League contributors, and which will become total scrubs.

Consider this: Before 2001, Baseball America ranked Albert Pujols the No. 42 prospect in baseball. Now granted, Pujols only had one year of Minor League experience at that point and most of it was in A-ball. But pretty much as soon as the 2001 season started, Pujols got about establishing himself as the best player in baseball. This is not to fault the magazine, only to serve as an example of how difficult it is to predict these things: Baseball America thought there were 41 prospects more likely to be stars than Albert Pujols when Pujols was already ready to start being Albert Pujols. Alex Escobar was ranked 18th that year.

Point is, there’s no sure way of knowing which of your prospects turn into Albert Pujols and which turn into Alex Escobar. You can scout and measure and speculate, but it’s never smart to put all your eggs in one basket — especially when, in Havens’ case, the basket so frequently needs mending. The best way to ensure that some of your prospects turn into stars is to collect as many promising young players as you can and give them opportunities to prove themselves.

If you wind up with two guys who look like great Major Leaguers at the same position, that’s a good problem to have. You cross your fingers and trade one to upgrade at some other position.

It’s funny to me to read Mets fans saying Mike Pelfrey never made good on the hype. Yeah, Pelfrey was a top pick and we all hoped he’d be an ace. But a league-average innings eater is nothing to sneeze at, considering how many high picks fall apart and never contribute anything to their Major League clubs.

Meeting time. More Q&A to follow.

Twitter Q&A-style product

Here we go:

Cold. I know people have strong opinions on this, but for a lobster roll I prefer lobster salad — the mayonnaisey kind. I think I’m not the best judge of lobster, though, because I am scarred in all sorts of ways from working a couple of summers in a wholesale/retail lobster market. Part of that job entailed dumping crates of lobsters into huge vats of boiling water, maybe 200 at a time, and I think hot lobster evokes more of the odd guilt that arises when I consider how many crustaceans I’ve massacred.

Also, I may have shared this before but I can’t remember: Working at a giant lobster market seems like a fun and funny summer job, but it is harder than you could even imagine to get the smell off you. I used to come home and shower with four different soaps and really scrub myself down. I remember one night I was going to the movies with a girl I liked, so I did absolutely everything I could to eradicate the stench of hot lobster and fish from my body. I’m talking showering for like a half hour, deodorant, a little cologne, everything. And then, putting popcorn into my mouth, I smelled it on my hands. Awful. I reeked all summer.

So my relationship with lobster is kind of complicated, I guess.

Too many to count. I think people assume that because I tend to be patient and perhaps a bit reflective on this blog that I’m the same way in real life, and it’s really not the case. I get fired up pretty easily, and when the Mets are losing most of my workdays begin with a several-minute-long profanity-laced rant to anyone who will even pretend to listen about things the Mets did the previous night. If someone comes and interrupts me I usually challenge him to a fight. It’s really only once I get that all out that I can take a breath, think things over and write mild-mannered posts about how there’s no way the Mets really suck this much.

Man, you’re asking the wrong guy. I’ve been to a Peoria Chiefs game in 105-degree heat, I’ve driven 200-plus miles to go see games at RFK Stadium, I went to Olympic Stadium in its last miserable days. The only justification I’ve ever needed to buy a ticket for a baseball game is that there’s a baseball game. Baseball is the thing I save up money for.

Of course, I realize I’m something of an outlier, and it’s easy for me to say now that I have a press pass that gets me in free. Obviously Mets fans have plenty of good reasons for not showing up lately: The economy stinks, just about every aspect of going to a game is pretty expensive, the weather has been bad. But mostly, I suspect, it’s the team.

The Mets are coming off two losing seasons and two miserable finishes before that. It’s a huge market and there are plenty of people, I suspect, who would shoulder the financial lode and pony up cash for tickets if they thought the team had a better-than-even-money chance of winning. It’s going to take time and a lot of wins for them to convince the masses that they do.

Things that are happening two and a half weeks deep into the 2011 Major League Baseball season

Here are some things that are happening in baseball:

Carlos Lee is tied for the National League lead in triples.

Macier Izturis, who came into the season with a career 92 OPS+, has a 183 OPS+.

Brian Roberts, the Orioles’ leadoff hitter, is on pace for more than 140 RBIs despite an on-base percentage below .300.

Jeff Francoeur has a .352 on-base percentage and a .508 slugging, exactly the same marks he had after 16 games last season.

Albert Pujols, who has a .424 career on-base percentage, has a .288 on-base percentage.

A.J. Pierzynski has struck out only once in 56 plate appearances.

Juan Pierre, a lifetime 75% basestealer, has been caught stealing more times than he has stolen a base.

Indians pitchers have yielded a collective 1.125 WHIP, a better rate than Greg Maddux posted in his career.

Mets pitchers have yielded a collective 1.616 WHIP, a worse rate than Oliver Perez posted in his time with the team.

Oakland starter Gio Gonzalez has allowed 12 walks in 19 innings, but only allowed one run so far — on a solo home run by Ryan Langerhans.

CC Sabathia hasn’t won a game yet. AJ Burnett hasn’t lost a game yet. Burnett has thrown twice as many wild pitches as anyone else in baseball.