The worst thing about Tom Brady is everything.
Dude, we need to take a band photo
“Dude, we need to take a band photo.”
“Alright, I just need to shave.”
“What? DUDE NO!”
“C’mon man, my mom’s going to see this.”
“Your mom’s already got plenty of photos of me.”
“OHHHH!”
“NAKED PHOTOS!”
“Shut up, guys. Can we just take it already?”
“No way, bro. It can’t be here. It should be, like, grimy.”
“Yeah, yeah — like someplace, like, apocalyptic and stuff.”
“Hell yeah bro. Rock and roll”
(Half hour later)
“This is the place.”
“Dude what are you doing? We can’t all look at the camera! That’s lame, dude!”
“We can’t all stand next to each other! What the hell? That’s f@#$ing gay!”
“OK everyone say, ‘cheese!'”
“I’ll murder you dead bro.”
[poll id=”42″]
Previewing Jets-Bills with Brian Bassett
Brian’s right. Buffalo wings are adequately rated.
Next, Adam Sandler gets to be the Jets’ offensive coordinator
The brash-talking Jets coach plays, of all things, a New England Patriots fan in an upcoming movie starring Adam Sandler. NFL Network’s Rich Eisen revealed the news on his Thursday podcast that featured Sandler.
Ryan plays a Boston lawyer in “I Hate You, Dad,” which was filmed in Massachusetts last summer.
– Manish Mehta, N.Y. Daily News.
Pretty much everything both Rex Ryan and Adam Sandler do these days prompts a hell of a lot of snark, but I’ll tell you this much: I’m going to see the hell out of this movie.
Jack and Jill looks awful, as did I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry and Grown Ups. But as far as I’m concerned, Adam Sandler can do whatever he wants.
I learned so much about what I think is funny from Sandler’s first two comedy albums, “They’re All Gonna Laugh at You” and “What the Hell Happened to Me?”. If I never encountered those tapes as a teenager, I imagine you’d be reading a very, very different website right now — or maybe not reading it at all. If this site entertains you, you owe something to Adam Sandler.
Very, very few comedians remain funny and relevant for any extended period of time. There are a lot of reasons why, none I’m too eager to hash out here. But obviously everyone knows Sandler’s goofy shtick now and he has drifted toward self-parody, so it’s easy to take shots at him.
I can’t because I still like him too much. I actually think it’s kind of sad, in a nostalgic sort of way, that people see Adam Sandler now as the guy doing silly things in (presumably) awful movies like Jack and Jill instead of the guy doing silly things in hysterical movies like Billy Madison.
And I imagine there will be enough easy chuckles in I Hate You, Dad for me to get through it in support of Rex Ryan’s acting career.
Not looking forward to the inevitable “Rex Ryan should spend less time making Adam Sandler movies and more time studying film” columns though. How dare he do anything else!
Language not nearly safe for work:
Kris Jenkins takes on the haters
He was ready for it, but it’s still sort of terrifying to IRL troll a giant, giant man.
The People vs. Nickelback
But now that [the Lions are] 6-2 and on their way to a potential playoff berth, the Turkey Day matchup with their division rival, defending Super Bowl champs the Green Bay Packers, has suddenly taken on a lot more significance – which is why their fans are furious that the team has booked Nickelback to be the halftime entertainment.
They’re so angry that one fan started an online petition to have the Lions change the halftime show.
– Steve Baltin, Rolling Stone.
Here’s the thing about Nickelback: Who likes Nickelback? Seriously. Have you or anyone you know ever enjoyed any music performed by Nickelback? Is there anyone in the entire world who’s like, “hell yeah, ‘Photograph’ is a dope jam”?
It makes no sense. They sell tons and tons of albums and still get booked to play NFL halftime shows, and yet you will never find anyone who purports to be an unironic fan of the band Nickelback. Is it that their bland brand of fist-pumping post-grunge is considered so inoffensive that lots of people buy their godawful records to play as background music in gyms* and Wal-Marts?
It can’t be that, because I find Nickelback’s music offensive. And I can’t imagine I’m alone. In fact I feel stupid even ripping them. It’s like the music-writing equivalent of a Charlie Sheen roast. Too easy.
I’ll say this, though: Some big record company has offices on the 30th floor of this building. You can always pick out the executives because they’re all fit dudes in their 40s and 50s who wear t-shirts and blazers with designer jeans and fancy shoes.
One time I got on the elevator to find three of them, in uniform, discussing some new band. During the ride one of them said, “I really think they could be the next Nickelback.”
I instinctively and quite audibly chortled, figuring the guy meant it derisively. But all three of them shot me dirty looks, and we rode the rest of the way down in awkward silence. To these guys, being the next Nickelback is a good thing. They’re eager to find the next Nickelback.
Think about that. Right now, not 30 feet above me, there are dudes in expensive jeans sitting around trying to identify bands that are somehow like Nickelback, that they will then foist upon an unsuspecting society that already gets way, way more than its fill of Nickelback. Is there some way to stop them? Am I obligated to do something about it?
I’m only one man. And I’m not sure they’d respect the opinions of anyone in Old Navy pants anyway. But what’s happening in Detroit — this is a good first step.
That city has as rich a musical history as any in this country. And it has, as has been well-documented, fallen on some hard times. The last thing the people of Detroit need now is Nickelback. Hell, the last thing any of us need now is Nickelback. Sign the petition and let those dudes in the elevator know it’s time to stop looking for the next Nickelback and start looking for the next Stevie Wonder.
*- True story: When “This is How You Remind Me” first blew up, I happened to be in a good workout phase. My friend and I decided that we would use Nickelback’s prevalence in the gym’s music rotation to time our workouts — we exercised until Nickelback came on, then knew it was time to leave. But eventually Nickelback came on so frequently that we found we weren’t getting good enough workouts, because we’d never be there more than 20 minutes before that stupid song started playing. FOR HANDIN’ YOU A HEART WORTH BREAKIN’!
LOLMets
If they decide to proceed without him, the Mets could shop Pagan and, if that fails, nontender him. In that scenario, which has been a solid possibility since midsummer, the Mets will likely seek a strong fielder – and an affordable one.
His is a name loaded with Disney drama and back-page dishonor, but Rick Ankiel could be the right outfielder for the price.
– Andy Martino, N.Y. Daily News.
LOLMets.
The Mets insist they want to retain Jose Reyes, but at their reasonable price and, well, they really should stop saying that.
It is akin to going into a Mercedes dealership, badly wanting a new model and telling a salesman you are willing to go as high as $5,000 to get one.
LOLMets!
The Mets’ winning percentage under Minaya: .521. In Alderson’s first year, it was .475. When Omar took over in 2005, the team improved its record by 12 games from the prior year. Under Alderson, the Mets got two games worse.
LOLOLOLOLMETS!!
What is it, like, the third day of the offseason?
Compelling arguments for non-tendering Angel Pagan
This afternoon, I asked Twitter to tell me why the Mets should non-tender Angel Pagan and who should replace him if they do. Here are the most compelling arguments:
I’ve been through this before and I’m already breaking my earlier promise to not repeat myself. But non-tendering Angel Pagan doesn’t really make any sense.
I’ve read all the same reports you have claiming the team might do so, but until it does, I’ll be skeptical. And if it does, I’d like to hear a pretty solid explanation why.
Pagan did not have a great year. But neither did Coco Crisp, David DeJesus or Grady Sizemore, the three free-agents most often mentioned when discussing the Mets’ center-field situation.
Crisp hit slightly worse than Pagan did in 2011, and his career stats are slightly worse. He’s two years older than Pagan and prone to injuries. Like Pagan, Crisp traditionally rates well defensively but appeared to struggle in 2011.
DeJesus posted an OPS+ identical to Pagan’s in 2011, though his career offensive stats are slightly better than Pagan’s. He hasn’t played much center field since 2008, and hasn’t been an everyday center fielder since 2007. He’s also two years older than Pagan.
Grady Sizemore has not been better than Angel Pagan since 2008, when he was awesome. Sizemore is a year younger than Pagan but he gets hurt constantly. He played only 33 games in 2010 and 71 in 2011, and he played poorly in both seasons. If he can ever regain his awesome form, he will again be awesome (obviously). But it doesn’t appear likely he will.
B.J. Upton is younger, generally healthier, and better than Pagan — though not by as much as you’d think. Upton retains some cachet from his days as an uber-prospect, but by WAR he has never had a season as good as Pagan’s 2010. At 27, he’s younger than Pagan and a better bet to play well over the next several years.
But Upton is in his last arbitration year with the Rays, meaning he’d have to be non-tendered to become a free-agent (which seems unlikely given his obvious trade value) or the Mets would have to trade something to acquire him. Since Upton is set for free agency next offseason — any team that trades for him would either get only one year of his services or have to broker a negotiating window in which to sign Upton for what will likely be a market-rate extension.
Neither seems to make a hell of a lot of sense for the Mets. The difference between Upton and Pagan is not likely to be great enough to launch the Mets into contention in 2012, and the team’s limited financial flexibility probably complicates — if not entirely negates — the possibility of a long-term extension.
Down on the farm, the Mets have center field prospects in Kirk Nieuwenhuis and Matt den Dekker. But Nieuwenhuis missed most of last season with a shoulder injury, and den Dekker struck out in more than 1/3 of his at-bats in Double-A. Neither appears ready to replace Pagan by April.
The only real strong reason I can see to non-tender Pagan is to make a change for the sake of change. Barring a trade, it looks unlikely the Mets will have many new names penciled in to their lineup or starting rotation come March. Perhaps there’s some minor value in whatever increase in ticket sales come with a fresh face, but… well, c’mon. You’re going to choose an inferior player (potentially for more money) as a marketing gimmick?
Doesn’t make sense. Obviously we’ll see how this all plays out, but given the strong logic demonstrated by Sandy Alderson’s regime thus far and the lack of obvious better options, I’d bet Pagan is back next spring.
New Mostly Mets Podcast
With Toby and Patrick, as usual. I enjoyed taping this one, perhaps because I was slightly less tired than normal. This much-shorter-commute thing is great.
What we talk about:
Open: Intro and walls
14:15: The walls as they pertain to David Wright
35:00: Various songs about walls
37:00: Free-agent closers
46:00: Tony La Russa
Remembering the Reggie! Bar
At SNY Why Guys, David Ferris remembers the Reggie! Bar, named for Reggie Jackson after Mr. October himself predicted he’d have an eponymous candy bar if he signed with the Yankees.
Why don’t baseball players get candy bars anymore? Is it that they’re so health conscious they don’t want to endorse sugary treats?
Also, I was always made to believe that the Oh Henry! bar was named for Hank Aaron, but the Wikipedia says it was either named for O. Henry the short-story guy or some candy-maker named Tom Henry.
Anyway, which baseball player playing today should have a candy bar? Other than Coco Crisp obviously. Sorry but that’s too easy.
On an only vaguely related note: It struck me recently how awesome it is that there was a dude named Frank “Home Run” Baker. Hey Frank Baker — you’re so awesome that we’re going to call you the same phrase we use to describe the best thing that ever happens on a baseball field.
We don’t nickname guys after baseball events enough anymore. And I think there’s a rhythm to nicknaming that you have to get right. Like calling Major League home-run leader Jose Bautista “Home Run Bautista” sounds OK to me, but calling him “Walks Bautista” doesn’t, even if he also led the Majors in walks. On the other hand, I think “Walks McCutchen” would be a pretty sweet nickname for Andrew McCutchen even though he finished ninth in the Majors in bases on balls. I also like WHIPs Kershaw, for the SABR.



