The glorious return.

The sandwich: Double-double “Animal style” from In-N-Out Burger, many locations, none anywhere near New York.

The construction: Two mustard-grilled beef patties on a toasted hamburger bun with lettuce, tomato, American cheese, pickles, tomato, lettuce, grilled diced onions and “spread” — basically Thousand Island dressing.

Important background information: You’ve probably heard of In-N-Out. Hell, you’ve probably even heard of ordering burgers “Animal style” there, even if it’s not on the menu and you’ve never been anywhere near one of the restaurants. By reputation, it is practically the Holy Grail of fast-food burgers, celebrated in classics as monumental as The Big Lebowski, compared — often favorably — to delicacies like those available at Five Guys and Shake Shack.

So the first thing that shocked me about In-N-Out Burger upon my entry to California was the chain’s availability. I thought it was something to be sought out when in the neighborhood to shake down Larry Sellers, not something I’d pass multiple times on drive from the Oakland airport to our hotel in San Francisco. It’s everywhere. I’m not sure if that’s always been the case, but it has been the case every time I’ve been to California — this one time, last week — so in my world that’s how In-N-Out Burger exists: A dominant California fast-food chain.

And definitely that: Fast food. And look, this website has an entire navigational tab devoted to Taco Bell and does not in any way judge more humble cuisines. But In-N-Out isn’t peddling the sort of hip, meta-fast-food pretense you find at Shake Shack, it’s plain-old fast food all the way: Red and yellow neon lights so bright you can’t stare right at them.

Because of its ubiquity and that beckoning fast-food glow, I went twice. The first, I ordered a regular double-double, minus the raw sliced onion — that’s not my bag. The second time, I opted for Animal style, figuring the diced grilled onions would be less intrusive. But I was hungry and I didn’t take a photo. There are plenty of pictures available on the Internet.

So, I guess: What it looks like.

And here’s the regular Double Double just so this post isn’t too texty:

How it tastes: Relative to what?

To my sky-high expectations: A bit disappointing. To Shake Shack and Five Guys: Not as good (more on that in a bit). To the standard fast-food burger chains, McDonald’s, Wendy’s and Burger King: Excellent.

Ordering it Animal-style is key; the second burger I had was so much better than the first that it’s a wonder they keep the mustard-grilling and extra pickles exclusive. They add a ton of vinegary tang to the affair, and even the onions — my old enemy — add a familiar greasy, sweet flavor to the thin, tasty beef patties.

The bun is good — toasting it was a great touch. And the lettuce and tomato are clearly way fresher than you get at most fast-food places, bringing juiciness to the sandwich and maybe helping you forget that you’re actively destroying yourself with red meat (and a side of underwhelming french fries).

But someone’s going to try to tell me that this meat, in terms of pure meaty deliciousness, stands a chance against the meat in the Shake Shack burger in a one-on-one taste test? C’mon. C’mon. Not even close.

Push comes to shove I’d take the Five Guys meat over this too. Plus there’s more of it, and at Five Guys I can find any topping I want — including bacon — right there on the menu with no need to spend time on the Internet uncovering secret codes before I go in. It’s awful cute that In-N-Out doesn’t let you know it’s full array of options, I guess, but really: Why?

But then, I’m not sure why anyone sees the need to pick a winner among the three. They present very distinct burgers and very distinct burger-eating experiences, and all — my various quibbles with In-N-Out noted here not withstanding — are plenty delicious. I will instead celebrate the work all three chains have done in elevating the standards set for this sandwich, as they undoubtedly have. Hooray for cheeseburgers.

What it’s worth: Only $3.15, plus the flight to California.

How it rates: 71 out of 100.