Border patrol

Taking a victory lap around the tactical retreat by the lawyers who had sued it for its beef not being beefy enough, Taco Bell took out a full-page ad asking the firm to say “sorry.”

The ads ran this week in the Wall Street Journal, LA Times, and the New York Times and were done in the same style of the “thank you” ads they took out when the suit first surfaced.

Ben Popkin, Consumerist.

Sweet. Besides the fact that it makes sense for Taco Bell to be broken up about a frivolous lawsuit besmirching its delicious name, I’m happy to know that Taco Bell is about as petty as I am when it comes to defending itself. Cheesy, melty and petty.

You can click through for the full text of the ad. Turns out Taco Bell was right from the beginning, never misled anyone about what they’re serving, and wants an apology. And you know, why not? If one of our inalienable rights in this country is to sue anybody we want whenever we damn please, another should be calling out the litigious when they are clearly wrong.

Anyway, if Taco Bell is looking for a way to draw attention away from the lawsuit and start generating positive taco press again, I have a solid suggestion: Pay me a ton of money to create new Taco Bell concepts.

Think about it: “Taco Bell hires sports and sandwich blogger of minor repute as Chief Futurist!” That’s the type of headline that sells Gorditas, amigo.

My first move? My web-based create-a-Taco-Bell-thing initiative. For those unfamiliar: Taco Bell should use a flash-driven interface to allow Internet users to suggest and name new Taco Bell products by combining the ingredients already used in Taco Bell items.

That’s — and I’m letting you in on a dirty little secret here — pretty much how Taco Bell already creates new products, so why not make it interactive? The person who comes up with the best idea gets a bunch of free Taco Bell, and Taco Bell sells that person’s creation in stores for a limited time.

And you know what else? Guess who’s going to win that contest? Me, baby! Me. Step to the Magma Gordita Crunch, the TexiMelt, the Bacon Cheeseburger Burrito, the Chalupacabra. You can’t.

Get this done Taco Bell. Then the only apology you’ll be demanding will be from me, for not offering my awesome services to you earlier. We can work together, Taco Bell.

Oh, and if by some chance I now have your attention: The Taco Bell on Route 9A in Elmsford, N.Y. sucks. They don’t even have red taco shells for their Volcano tacos and everything always takes forever. And we can work on maximizing that store’s efficiency just as soon as you start sporking over the cash.

Mets win a game!

Well that was fun.

The big takeaways, I’d say? David Wright smacking the crap out of the ball, for one thing. You had to know it’d happen eventually, but it’s always better it comes sooner than later. Here’s hoping Wright stays hot for a while, because with Beltran hitting the way he has been and Jason Bay back in the lineup, they might actually win, you know, more than one game.

Angel Pagan pulled a muscle Tim McCarver didn’t know existed until recently. Pagan says he’ll only need a few days, but teams rightfully like to be cautious with oblique injuries. (Hey here’s an idea: Make Pagan only bat from one side of the plate while he’s hurt! What could possibly go wrong?) Anyway, this is cockeyed optimism but maybe Pagan could use a few days out of the lineup to figure some things out.

A reality check for those convinced that Kirk Nieuwenhuis is going to get called up and Wally Pipp Pagan: Captain Kirk finished last year with a .327 on-base percentage across two Minor League levels and a bunch of strikeouts, so he likely still needs some work on his approach. Also, there’s almost no way he would cover as much ground in the outfield as Pagan does, even if Pagan has made a few glaring misplays of late. Nieuwenhuis is a big, athletic dude and sometimes everything just clicks for a guy, but I wouldn’t bet on him being better than Pagan anytime soon. He’s off to a hot start and Pagan isn’t, but these things have a way of balancing out in time.

The biggest thing about last night’s win, maybe, is that for the second straight night the Mets only needed to use one reliever. Good on Ken Oberkfell for using Taylor Buchholz for a second inning in the ninth; no sense tiring out another guy when you’re sitting on an eight-run lead. It was no secret that the Mets’ bullpen needed rest pretty desperately, and now that it’s back to a normal size it’s good that the starting pitchers are providing some length.

Also, thanks to the AP, here’s Justin Turner creepily photobombing David Wright:

What he said

A few minutes Terry Collins exhibited some Grade-A Backman-caliber buntsmanship last night and the Mets lost what felt like their 700th straight game, R.A. Dickey said this:

We have to find a way to be honest with ourselves about what kind of team we are. We can’t just keep telling ourselves, ‘Oh, we’re a better team than this.’ We may not be. And we’ve got to be honest about that, and identify what we’re doing wrong, and do it better. That’s the only way you have any real growth.

This. That is to say, that. What he said.

I’ve been bleating on all season about how the Mets are indeed a better than this, and rationally I believe they must be — partly because it’s almost impossible for a Major League Baseball team to be worse. So when Terry Collins insists the wins will come, it doesn’t sound insane to me because I recognize that randomness dominates almost everything that happens on a baseball field, that there are bizarre twists-and-turns to every year, and that every early-season outcome is amplified by the small sample size.

Frustrated Mets fans have told me in the past few days that if I can’t see that this is essentially the single worst team in the history of baseball, then I must not know anything about baseball. I don’t really feel the need to counter that argument — no one’s forcing anyone to read this site — but if I did, I’d probably say that my understanding of how a steaming pile of early-season awfulness can skew perceptions is actually the direct product of a 20-some year study of the sport. And I’d add that the most important things I’ve learned about baseball is that the whole Socratic knowing-that-you-know-not thing almost always applies, and that making sweeping declarative statements about anything happening in the game based on 18 games is a meandering road toward Looking-Like-A-Dunceville, a town in which I’ve certainly spent plenty of time.

The Mets’ lineup, starting tonight, features at least three excellent players, three decent players, and two guys who might very well prove decent and haven’t yet shown themselves to be terrible. It’s difficult to envision them hitting like one of the league’s worst offensive teams all year unless you really believe David Wright’s going to finish with the Alex Cora-like hitting line he’s rocking so far. Given the amount of history we have to show that David Wright is much, much, much, much, much, much better than Alex Cora, thinking he’s suddenly not would pretty much make you a crazy person.

The pitching could be an issue all season, but it, too, almost has to improve. The Mets currently have a collective 77 ERA+, and no team in the past 20 years has finished with a number that low. It might go back way further than that, too; I just got bored of clicking and sorting on baseball-reference.com. You can cobble together a staff of Pat Mischy guys and count on pitching better than the Mets have had so far, so once they settle on the best mix and some guys settle in, it will at least be better, if never good.

Back to Dickey. Even with all that said, the Mets, from the manager to the bench to the bullpen to the lineup to the rotation, have done themselves few favors in the early goings of the 2011 campaign, little to stack the odds in their favor. All teams make fundamental mistakes, and it’s easy to pick ’em out and pile on when a team is going poorly, but fundamental flaws in the approach to the gare — glaring, premeditated mental errors — are harder to excuse. And there have been some of those, too.

I can’t pretend to understand what motivates baseball players to shake themselves awake and start playing like men who reached the absurdly competitive heights of professional sport, so if Dickey says it’s time for them to step back, be honest and start trying to fix things, it’s hard for me to argue. I don’t know exactly how that process works, but with the team spending every evening digging itself deeper into a rut and further from playing even a single meaningful game this season, yeah, I’d say it’s probably about time it happens.