Steve Phillips’ scarlet birthmark

No man for any considerable period can wear one face to himself and another to the multitude, without finally getting bewildered as to which may be the true.” – Nathaniel Hawthorne.

Why yes, I have heard the sordid details of Steve Phillips’ affair.

Honestly, I feel really bad for his kids, not just because their father has once again been outed as a philanderer, but also because their father is Steve Phillips. That can’t be fun.

Also, I can’t understand why anyone could be surprised to learn that someone so willing to spend time around Steve Phillips would turn out to be criminally insane.

But really, what’s interesting here is one of the details in the young lady’s crazytime letter to Phillips’ poor wife.

It turns out Steve Phillips has “a big birthmark on his crotch right above his penis and another one on his left inner thigh.”

First of all, gross. Second, could this be a clue as to why Steve Phillips hates Carlos Beltran so irrationally and so thoroughly?

Think about it: After “being awesome at baseball,” Carlos Beltran’s most distinguishing characteristic is the massive mole over his right ear. And now we learn that Phillips, too, is riddled with embarrassing birthmarks.

Could it be that Steve Phillips’ is publicly punishing Beltran because he can’t handle his own birthmark-fueled shame? Is Carlos Beltran, in some vague way, like the Hester Prynne to Steve Phillips’ Dimmesdale, forced to carry openly the burden Phillips keeps secret?

And could you imagine a catharsis in which Steve Phillips, finally overcome by guilt, throws open his pants to reveal himself to the world, throwing himself at Beltran’s mercy?

I prefer not to. I’m not insane, and thus am not interested in seeing any more of Steve Phillips than I absolutely must.


1 thought on “Steve Phillips’ scarlet birthmark

  1. Ted,

    I always knew someday you’d write something about Steve Phillips’ junk. For that, we must thank Brooke Hundley. Any relation to Todd by the way? I figure by now you must have done some research on that.

    -Rudner

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