With rumors swirling about the Mets’ pursuit of free-agent catcher Bengie Molina, I thought I’d touch base with my friend Dailey, a San Francisco Giants fan, for a very formal and professional interview. Dailey has a first name, I believe, but I am not entirely sure what it is, so I am crediting him here as “Dailey McDailey.” The interview follows:
TedQuarters: yo can I interview you?
Dailey McDailey: OK, what do I have to do?
TQ: answer my questions about Bengie Molina
His official nickname is Big Money, but I call him Snoopy Gut
TQ: OK, first off, are you, in fact, a San Francisco Giants fan?
It would not be easy to kill me
TQ: is that so?
DM: Die Hardest
not even with a vengeance
TQ: wow, that’s for real
tell me about Bengie Molina
DM: He’s not good
He doesn’t make me want to not watch baseball any more (like, say, Barry Zito)
but he has an annoying proficiency at being put out.
TQ:: can you identify anything that he does well?
DM: I assume you mean on the field, so eating doesn’t count
TQ: yes, on the field
DM: I can identify things with which he’s CREDITED as doing well: call games, manage a staff, hit clutch home runs
TQ: are you certain that he does any of those things well?
DM: Not really. I will go out on a limb and say he does them all better than A.J. Pierzynski
TQ: Are you at all concerned that Tim Lincecum will completely suck next year when he’s pitching to Buster Posey or Sandoval or whoever?
DM: The only thing Tim Lincecum is going to suck is the end of a [tobacco] pipe.
TQ: Does Molina get punched in the face as well as A.J. Pierzynski?
DM: Probably better. Lots of face flesh to take the blow.
TQ: Who would you bet on in a footrace, Bengie Molina or continental drift?
DM: Bengie, because one of his footfalls would most likely push the continent backwards.
TQ: why do you call him Snoopy Gut?
DM: You know how snoopy has two skinny little legs and then a spherical body that hangs over them? That’s exactly what Bengie Molina looks like in his uniform.
TQ: That’s a good point
why do others call him Big Money?
and is that an alarming prophecy for Mets fans?
DM: Big because he is large, and Money because that is slang for clutch
Knowing the Mets, yes
TQ: BM are also his initials, you know
DM: Wow. That had escaped me.
TQ: I’ve got amazing powers of observation
As a Giants fan — and this part is important — not named Brian Sabean, would you recommend signing Bengie Molina to a multi-year free-agent contract?
DM: Absolutely not. Under no circumstances. No.
TQ:: Why not?
I thought he’s money
and has a snoopy gut
DM: All these things are true. My #1 Bengie Molina memory from 2009 is him hitting a game tying home run in the 8th or 9th and waddling his large self around the bases.
72% of the time he is asked to not make an out, he makes an out. And that is how you lose baseball games.
TQ: I’ve heard that
but he’s a great staff handler
and he’s so good with young pitchers, right?
DM: So they say, but can it be proven that the Giants’ stable of young, awesome, stallion-like arms would not thrive under the slimmer, less-money, more-gooder-hitting tutelage of a league average catcher? I say no.
TQ: Your logic befuddles me.