I don’t know why I hate Bono so much. I know I’ve done so for a long time, probably before the disliking-Bono bandwagon became quite as large as it is now. I imagine has something to do with never really liking U2’s music despite growing up in a largely U2-loving Irish-Catholic town then going to a largely U2-loving Irish-Catholic university, plus always being rubbed the wrong way by a man who calls himself only “Bono” carrying on like he’s Mother Theresa all the time.
Not to begrudge the humanitarianism, of course but seriously, “Bono” and “The Edge”? Were you in fifth grade when you started this band? Seriously?
Anyway, today there’s this:
U2 singer Bono’s investments into Elevation Partners, which has offices in New York and Menlo Park, have helped make him the “worst investor in America,” according to the online publication 24/7 Wall Street.
With large investments in Palm, Forbes, and Move.com — “an unprecedented string of disastrous investments which even bad luck could not explain” — Elevation Partners has earned the distinction of being “arguably the worst run institutional fund of any size in the United States,” 24/7 Wall Street asserts.
“An unprecedented string of disastrous investments which even bad luck could not explain.” I love that.
It’s messed up, because I realize that Bono and his investment group losing money probably means Bono has less money to give to charity, and so probably ultimately takes food right out of the mouths of starving African children. And still — granted, I’ve never said I’m not a terrible person — I can’t help but smile when I read that Bono is failing at something.
Maybe it’s because I’ve been to the Elevation Partners website and read their “Two Ways to Win” approach. (To be fair, I don’t read a lot of mission statements on investment-firm websites and I imagine a lot of them read like they were written by underpants gnomes.)
Second Way to Win
• New licencing
• New distribution channels
• New geographies
• New business models
First Way to Win
• Improved marketing and
• Enhanced operational efficiencies
• Better alignment of
Why does the Second Way to Win come before the First Way to Win? Don’t you dare ask Bono questions.
Basically, from poking around the Elevation Partners website, it sure sounds a hell of a lot like their strategy is to identify businesses they thing stand to make money, partner with them, then have Bono give them advice, apparently in all sorts of hilarious business jargon.
And so maybe that sheds some light on the “even bad luck could not explain” part. Maybe Bono’s business advice is just that bad.