I don’t believe this requires an introduction during Awesomestock. I apologize in advance to all those who avoid pork for religious reasons. From the Wikipedia: Bacon.

The Wikipedia defines bacon as “a cured meat prepared from a pig.” The USDA defines bacon as “the cured belly of swine carcass.” I define bacon as completely and ineffably amazing.

The Wikipedia insists that there are many meat products that can be legitimately deemed bacon, because the Wikipedia has its head up its ass, presumably because it’s delirious from so much pork. Bacon should be made from the belly or in rare instances the jowl of the hog. Anything else masquerading as bacon — looking at you, turkey bacon — is b.s. It might still be good but it’s not bacon. On this I am resolute.

Elsewhere, the bacon we’re familiar with here in the States is called “fatty bacon” or “American-style bacon.” Damn straight. U! S! A!

The word “bacon” comes from the Old High German word “bacho,” meaning buttock, likely because eating a lot of bacon will give you a large one. Worth it.

Bacon is often prepared with saltpeter, which I’m guessing helps give it explosive flavor. Saltpeter is also found in fireworks, meaning it is an important element of two of humanity’s greatest products. Clearly potassium nitrate is the world’s most important and best chemical compound. When the time comes, I may name my first born Saltpeter. Saltpeter Berg. That kid is delicious dynamite.

In the early days of the United States, curing bacon was one of the few cooking processes known to be gender-neutral, because bacon is for everyone. I never watched enough Little House on the Prairie to find out, but I assume Michael Landon and Laura Ingalls Wilder forged their tight familial bond over the sweet smell of hickory-smoking pork.

Did you know that Canadians don’t just call Canadian bacon “bacon” as I always surmised? Apparently they call it “back bacon” and call regular bacon “bacon.” Good work, Canada. For so long I thought you were trying to pass off something that is clearly ham as bacon, but it turns out that’s just something we blame you for, like curling and Celine Dion.

Bacon has been an important part of American food culture since Colonial days. A 1708 poem by Ebenezer Cooke complains about too many things being bacon-flavored, a massive and embarrassing lapse in judgment that likely explains why no one has ever heard of Ebenezer Cooke.

Guess what, Ebenezer Cooke: The only thing I know you’ve written I staunchly disagree with. Your entire legacy is foolishness. Never, ever doubt bacon. There’s no such thing as too much bacon, only too many weenie 18th-century poets who can’t handle awesome meat. It’s a damn shame Nat Bacon died of dysentery before he could whip some sense into you. If the two of you co-existed for more time, maybe Nat Bacon would have set his sights on more noble pursuits instead of just being a tremendous jackass. Mmm, Nat Bacon.

More recently, this nation has been swept by something the Wikipedia calls “Bacon Mania,” a fervent drive toward reason in an often irrational world and a trend so widespread and excellent that it earned its very own Wikipedia page. Bacon Mania is alternate attributed to both patriotism and rebellion.

“Loving bacon is like shoving a middle finger in the face of all that is healthy and holy while an unfiltered cigarette smolders between your lips,” writes Sarah Hepola. She’s wrong, though. Loving bacon is just loving bacon, which needs no rationale. And don’t smoke before you eat bacon, as it will just dull the delicious bacon flavor.

Thanks in part to Bacon Mania, there are now tons of available consumer products centered on bacon, like bacon hot sauce, bacon peanut brittle and bacon vodka.This makes sense because just about everything is better with bacon. For a long time I thought peanut butter and bacon sandwiches wouldn’t be good even though I love peanut butter, bacon and sandwiches. They’re delicious though. I never should have doubted you, bacon.

One time one of my friends tried to one-up me at dinner by ordering cake with a side of bacon for dessert, then draping the cake with bacon before he ate it. The joke was on him though because it turned out Cake n’ Bacon is amazing, and he let me eat a bunch of it.

Sometimes fads are stupid, sometimes they’re meaningless, sometimes they’re f@#$ing unbelievable. Maybe Bacon Mania is a passing fancy, but I will surf this wave until it crashes, then keep loving bacon after all its fairweather fans have moved on. Consider me a Bacon Maniac for life.