Bull riding has long been mythologized for its danger. A rider climbs onto a lurching 2,000-pound bull, grasps the end of a rope that is wrapped around the animal’s midsection and must stay aboard for eight seconds to score points.

“It’s like a violent game of chess,” said Ty Murray, a nine-time world champion rodeo cowboy.

– Dan Frosch, New York Times.

Hmm… a dude clinging to stay atop a bucking, 2,000-pound beast for eight seconds? Yeah, that does sort of sound like a chess match.

Oh wait a minute, no. That’s nothing like chess. In fact, rodeo might be as unlike chess as any sport there is. Who is the opponent, in this analogy? The angry bull? Death? Sorry, cowboy, I’m just not sure there’s anyone working to calmly outthink you as you’re tossed around by that tortured monster.

The Times story is otherwise tragic and very well-penned, and I don’t aim to make light of Bryan Guthrie’s awful fate, but it makes for a reasonable excuse to weigh in on bull riding. I went to the Professional Bull Riders tour when it came to the Madison Square Garden last summer, mostly so I could say, “this ain’t my first rodeo” the next time I end up at a rodeo.

But now that I’ve seen one, I’m not sure I’ll ever make it out to a second rodeo. I appreciate that it’s certainly terrifying to ride a bull but since they actually stop the clock once you reach eight seconds and judge you on style, it’s not really very exciting at all. Just a succession of dudes riding bulls. Sometimes they hang on for eight seconds and sometimes they don’t. You end up tempted to root for horrifying mishaps, as I imagine you would at a NASCAR event.

And at no point during the event did I ever consider that it was anything like a chess match, or even a violent chess match. A violent chess match would probably be a lot more entertaining.

Actually, I think a good idea for a sport would be to pit two chess masters against each other in the middle of a rodeo ring. Then, at some undisclosed point in their match, release an angry bull and see what happens. Now you’ve got to think on your feet, bro.

Yeah, you could take his queen with your rook right now and put yourself in pretty good position to lock up checkmate in a few moves, but there’s a pretty solid chance you’ll be gored by then, and the whole chessboard bucked into the mud. So how do you play that? You tell me, buddy; you’re the so-called “master.”