Joe the Ballcrusher

Teditor’s Note: Though Ted Berg has already returned from vacation, I’m squeezing in this late guest post.  Tequarters seems like exactly the right place to solicit ideas for silly names.

NOTICE: Your Major League career has been one for the books.  At your age, now is the time for retirement.

– MLB 07 The Show.

And with those words, I have been locked in a glass case of emotion.

Four years ago, I sat down with MLB 07 The Show to build a Major League career for a strapping 6’5” catcher by the name of Joe Rimrock.  14,422 at bats later, Rimrock has put together the most storied baseball career in the history of my fantasy universe.  With the 2034 season behind him, I was really looking forward to testing the free agent market.  At 45, Rimrock is still near the top of his game, though it’s clear his skills are beginning to erode quite rapidly.  Maybe I could sucker some GM into signing Rimrock to a long term deal, and eventually I could see how the game handles a washed up veteran with a massive contract.  Or maybe no GM would make such an offer, and Rimrock would get to spend his twilight years with short contracts in the American League, constantly proving his worth as a DH.

So it was quite a shock to me when I reached the 2034-2035 off-season only to be given the above message from The Show.  Not only does it mean Rimrock’s career can’t be played to a satisfying end, it also means that I have battled through my last plate appearance with Joe Rimrock.  More importantly, that message tossed me into an existential panic.  That message — so concisely and casually disposing of Rimrock’s career — really drove home what a colossal waste of time my investment in Joe Rimrock has been.

My plan for dealing with this existential
funk is to dive headfirst back into my video game fantasyuniverse.  I’ve long had a side-armed knuckleballer, Harry Balls, as a side project.  Naturally he will occupy more of my time.  But I also need to come up with a new position player to be the next Joe Rimrock.  I’m thinking a center fielder who starts out with blazing speed and eventually settles down to become a fearsome power hitter.

Given that I’ll be spending countless hours staring at this new guy’s name on a TV screen, I want to make sure I’ve got a good, silly name for the guy.  Right now I’m leaning toward Steven McTowelie, but I want to take some time to weigh my options.   Other ideas include Doc O’Bell, Butch Muskey, Sir Anthony Plush, William Preston, esq., Theodore Logan, Kenneth Noisewater, and Bris Lordofthedance. Anyone have any suggestions?

7 thoughts on “Joe the Ballcrusher

  1. I don’t know that Bill S. Preston, Esq., ever went by “William”.

    Going along with the Harry Balls theme, you could nod to Beavis and Butthead with Harry Sachs. Or to the Simpsons with Armando Huginkiss. Holden McGroin is a fun one. Or, of course, R.A. Dickey.

  2. It’s important to use a name in the game’s database so the announcers actually say his name. That’s half the fun.

    I say name him Errol Flynn and when he’s safe you can say, “He’s in like Flynn.”

  3. A center fielder who starts out with blazing speed and eventually settles down to become a fearsome power hitter: Barry Bonds. Or is he already in there as Joe Young?

    Also,
    Atticus Bongman
    Manny Pfeltersnatch
    Erasmus Ichiballs

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