Fun fact: Rhode Island has laws governing how jonnycakes are made. The state’s legislature commands that Rhode Island breakfast spots use a specific type of cornmeal and nothing else. No flour or cornstarch. Also, the law says that it’s jonnycakes, not johnnycakes.

I have no idea how Rhode Island enforces that. Do they use undercover food cops, or does a team of state troopers just come busting through a diner’s doors on a hot tip from a disgruntled employee? Also, I mean — I’m no fan of false advertising or anything — who cares? If I want to open a Rhode Island coffee shop and serve johnnycakes with a little bit of flour to thicken up the batter, they’ll probably still be delicious. Why should the state intervene?

Also, the state legislature named coffee milk the official state drink of Rhode Island. Apparently Rhode Island politicians have a lot of time on their hands.

The sandwich: Chow Mein Sandwich from Evelyn’s Drive-In in Tiverton, R.I.

The construction: An order of chow mein — the American-Chinese food dish with frizzly noodles and vegetables in some sort of soy goo — piled onto a hamburger bun, sort of.

Important background information: It is amazing to me that a state so fixated on culinary semantics should allow this thing to be sold as a “sandwich.” I don’t know for sure what constitutes a sandwich, but I know this is not one.

For these writeups and just in life, I use a very broad definition of the term “sandwich.” Since the verb “to sandwich” means to squeeze  between two things, you’d think a sandwich should necessarily have two starches bookending some sort of meat, cheese or vegetable.

But that discounts wraps, gyros and so many wonderful meat-wrapped-in-bread concoctions, most of which I consider sandwiches.

I would say, very generally, that to be a sandwich, the item must at least make some pretense toward portability. I mean, even if once you take a bite out of the thing the ingredients spill all over your plate and you have to use a fork like a sucker, that can still count as a sandwich for me. If you can’t pick it up in the first place, I don’t think so.

Of course, that dismisses so-called “open-faced sandwiches” and items like the Croque Madame, but I’m cool with that. If you need to start with a fork, it’s not a sandwich. We’ve got to draw the line somewhere. Plus I’ve never had much time for the French, and I’m not comfortable ordering something called “Croque Madame” in the first place. It’s like asking for a “pink lady” at a bar. I’m a pretty secure dude all around and I happen to generally enjoy pink beverages, but it’s got “lady” right there in the name. Can’t bring myself to do it. (Pink lady apples are still cool.)

So while I haven’t yet reached a comprehensive definition of sandwich, there must be standards. And the Chow Mein sandwich didn’t meet those. You’ll soon see why.

What it looks like:

How it tastes: Not terrible, just not at all like a sandwich. I don’t think I’ve ever ordered chow mein from a Chinese restaurant — I’m more of a lo mein guy — but this chow mein was decent and plentiful. Sodiumy.

And it came with a hamburger bun, which is novel. Half the hamburger bun was on top of the order of chow mein and the other half was buried somewhere underneath. So it did have two pieces of bread, like many sandwiches. That’s something it had in common with sandwiches. But the rest of it, no. Not a sandwich.

What it’s worth: Evelyn’s Drive-In is awesome, I should say. They’ve got picnic tables set up overlooking a gorgeous lake. On the drive there you can spot tremendous, awesome wind turbines all about. Plus all the rest of the food we tried — fried clams, lobster bisque and the like — was delicious.

It’s a nice place, and certainly worth the 20-minute drive from Newport if you’re vacationing there, as I was. I mean, you’re on vacation. You’ve got time for a scenic 20-minute drive to enjoy some fried seafood.

And the Chow Mein sandwich was only $5.50 or something, which yielded a whole lot of chow mein. So that was alright. Probably not worth wasting precious gut room on when there’s so much delicious seafood available, of course.

The rating: N/A, not a sandwich. It’s like asking me how Jets guard Brandon Moore is at baseball. I mean, hey, he’s not a bad football player. He’s just not a sandwich.