Man with sweet beard wins PGA event

Our man Rob points out that Lucas Glover, winner of the Fargo Classic on Sunday, has a pretty awesome beard:

I almost never watch golf. I have no doubt that it requires a ton of skill to golf at a professional level because I’ve golfed myself and I can’t even make the damn ball go in the air. But there’s very little about the sport that makes me want to watch it in its televised form.

I think my main issue is that no one’s playing defense. Basically you’re just watching to see who hits the ball the best, and if someone’s playing really well the other golfers can’t intentionally walk him or double team him or anything.

I remember the first time I golfed, we all hit our first drives and I was like, “OK so when do we tackle each other?” and one of the other dudes was all, “no, we don’t tackle each other.” So I said, “oh so we’re playing two-hand touch golf then? I guess that’s cool…” but then that guy explained that you basically just hit your ball then go find your ball then hit it again then go find it again.

A lot of my issues with golf were actually solved by Jackie Mason in the movie Caddyshack 2. I know that film is widely panned for not having Rodney Dangerfield or Bill Murray and for not being Caddyshack 1, but it made a lot of good points about improving the sport by adding large-scale mini-golf obstacles and incorporating Randy Quaid as a golf/hockey defender. Really inspired stuff.

I, for one, think all sports could stand to look in the mirror and consider the ways in which they could improve by involving Randy Quaid. I know we think baseball is damn near perfect, but with MLB reportedly thinking about an expanded postseason, maybe it’s time our national pastime finally allow teams to use Randy Quaid once per playoff game. Teams in the field could set up Randy Quaid in the batter’s box across from the one the hitter is standing in and he could do all sorts of distracting things.

It might be dangerous, especially with maple bats. But he could wear a helmet, and there’s only one October.

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