Half-season in Tweets

So it’s the All-Star Break, as you know. That means all over the Internet, people are churning out halfway-point fare like “midseason report cards,” which never made a whole lot of sense to me. I mean, I get why they happen — they’re fun, and they’re an easy way to recap a half season’s worth of events.

But the grades are always all over the map. Check ’em out when you read through them today. Are players being graded for their actual performances, or for their performances against preseason expectations? David Wright will inevitably get a crappy grade and Ruben Tejada will get a good one, but how much more has Tejada contributed to the club than Wright?

Anyway, because I’m not interested in either creating my own report card or nitpicking over others’, here’s something both self-serving and lazy: Select Tweets from the first half of the 2011 season to serve as a recap.

April 2: Hey everyone, Mets derp dee derp derp bad heyooo amirite?

April 3: Terry Collins said “That’s my fault,” about something today. Can anyone find evidence that Jerry Manuel ever did that?

April 6: I know the concept of “rallies” seems weird, Mets fans. But this sometimes happens when you rid your lineup of out machines.

April 8: I’d rather have questions about Brad Emaus’ defense than no questions about Luis Castillo’s.

April 11: Some guy on the Mets vaguely reminds me of some notably bad guy from the past, so they should trade him because he is obviously the same.

April 14: Fun fact: Sandy Alderson makes every roster decision based on on-base percentage alone. Matt Stairs will be the Mets’ 2012 shortstop.

April 16: When Mike Pelfrey yields ground balls that find holes, that means he’s obviously feeble minded.

April 17: Mets win a game! Mets win a game!

April 19: Jason Bourgeois enters the game in left field, presumably because he’s finished eating at a strip-mall chain restaurant.

April 22: I’ve been sick of the K-Rod games-finished countdown since like the second night. He’s going to finish some games. Call me when it’s at 45.

April 26: I want to know which Mets hate America, but only if they overlap with the Mets that I already hate.

April 26: They should make Celebrity Wipeout and get Todd Coffey to go on it.

April 28: Problem with starting Capuano today is he’s not available to pinch-hit for Willie Harris here.

April 30: The Phillies have a great record in day games. Also: Night games.

May 1: Somewhere Steve Phillips is watching this game and saying something stupid about it.

May 3: Carlos Beltran should not have taught Jason Bay how babies are made.

May 5: We’d probably be a lot sicker of the “Hu’s on first” jokes if he ever reached base.

May 6: I’m hungry, there’s no food in the house and my wife’s out with the car. Not cool, Carlos Beltran.

May 10: Mental weakling Josh Thole sometimes takes 95 mph fastballs fouled off his face then leans back in to do it again.

May 10: The only reason Wright hit Ike there is he’s left handed and it’s early in the game.

May 13: Carlos Beltran is so awesome he’s making it difficult to ironically blame him for stuff.

May 16: Classless Mets announce David Wright injury at time that is legitimately inconvenient for me.

May 20: Just three seasons before the Mets signed him, Moises Alou played in 155 games. THE CURSE!

May 21: People compare Yankee Stadium to a shopping mall but I’ve never seen a shopping mall it was so easy to hit opposite field homers in.

May 24: Carlos Beltran shouldn’t have given himself such a big contract if he wasn’t going to surround himself with a deep roster of good players.

May 26: Mr. Einhorn, my newspaper had no idea this was happening until after it happened. Why do you hate America?

May 26: Mr. Einhorn, did you know that THE METS ARE CURSED?

June 1: Carlos Beltran only has one RBI since Terry Collins liberated him to be an RBI whore.

June 2: Ruben Tejada changes and steps around mob of reporters near his locker. “We’re here for you,” one says. He smiles sheepishly and returns.

June 3: If you’re a scout and you’re picking Derek Jeter over Jose Reyes in 2011, you probably shouldn’t be a scout.

June 6: When the Mets draft some guy tonight I’ll be PISSED! Then when he tears up A-ball next year, I’ll hype him up something fierce.

June 8: Miguel Cairo has out grand-slammed the Mets 1-0 this year, but every member of the Mets has out not-being-Miguel-Cairoed Miguel Cairo.

June 12: It’s funny to credit Omar Minaya for Justin Turner now when the Mets had Luis Hernandez starting games last year with Turner mashing in AAA.

June 17: The small bright side to Jose Reyes signing with the Yankees would be Derek Jeter’s hissy fit.

June 18: The RBI trick Beltran turned last inning traveled 460 feet, per the stadium PA.

June 29: Ronny Paulino batting cleanup!? OMG LOL! It’s like 2010 Opening Day again, only this time the Mets have scored 36 runs in the last 3 games.

July 3: If Reyes weren’t in his contract year, it’d be a grade 2 strain. Or he’d play with it. Or wait, no. HOW TO FILTER THIS THROUGH MY NARRATIVE?

July 6: Jason Bay is hitting .500/.500/2.000 since July 5.

July 8: Everyone says they’ve been writing all year that the Mets are unlikely to trade Reyes, but that’s not what I’ve been reading all year.


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