Remember when they used to say they were making Space Balls 3: The Search for Space Balls 2? That would have been awesome. Instead I’ve co-opted the title for this post.
Because how sweet would that be? It could maul you from land, air or sea, and also set sticky traps so it could eat you later just in case it wasn’t around to maul you when you happened to walk by its dam. Oh yeah, it would also build dams and live in lodges like a beaver.
Problem is, the protection offered by the lodge and the convenience of the web would probably allow the Flying Polar Bear that Spins Spiderwebs to get pretty lazy, as is the bear’s wont. And so you’d just have these lodges full of fat, lethargic killing machines filling up on all the good stuff they collected in the web outside instead of fully exploiting all their awesome and terrifying powers.
Seriously though I don’t think we spend enough time talking about how great spiders are. I’m not trying to sound like some creepy bio teacher with a big collection of arachnids or anything, but man, that’s one bug that figured it out.
Though it’s tempting to imagine TedQuarters favorites Lucas Duda and Val Pascucci on a defensive line, I happen to know that Willie Harris turned down a football scholarship to Florida State to play pro baseball after high school. So it almost has to be him, even if Bobby Parnell might make a nice successor to Brett Favre as the NFL’s best quarterback with an awesome arm that doesn’t really know where it’s going.
If I didn’t know that about Harris, I’d say Jose Reyes could make for a pretty fine wide receiver. Good size for it, great speed, good hands. It pains me to imagine Reyes going up for a pass across the middle though, knowing what Ray Lewis might do to him.
As for Jets that could be Mets, I’d love to see what Darrelle Revis looked like in center field. I’ll just assume he’d be an awesome hitter, too, because what can’t Revis do?
I’m not interested in crapping on any small businesses, so I’ll stick to chains. And I’ll amount that I will probably eat at several of these places again. Sometimes you wind up in a group of people going someplace and you don’t want to be that guy so you just roll with it. Anyway, here we go:
– Subway: Many of my negative feelings for Subway come from its haphazard use of the term “sandwich artist,” which I believe should be reserved for true sandwich artists. That’s not to say there aren’t some potential sandwich artists working at Subway, but I know from talking to ex-Subway employees that they’re given set amounts of each ingredient to include on sandwiches (four half-slices of cheese, eight olives, etc.), which seems more like sandwich building than sandwich artistry.
– Pizza Hut: The (literally) red-headed stepchild of Yum! brands and worst of the major pizza chains. The last time I ate pizza from Pizza Hut I was three weeks deep into a trip to China and desperate for familiar food, but all that did was remind me that I don’t much care for Pizza Hut. Notable exception: Breadsticks.
– Taco Time: Never again.
– TGI Friday’s: The younger brother of one of my best friends worked at Friday’s for a long time. Since his brother could comp us stuff, my friend always wanted to go there. Everything they serve at Friday’s tastes primarily like Friday’s, and after enough trips you grow to really dislike that taste.
– Hale and Hearty Soups: Similar to Friday’s in that my distaste for it grew due to too-frequent visits, this time perpetrated by some work friends at an old job. For some reason I tend to think of soup as a vaguely healthy lunch option even when it’s chowder or bisque, so Hale and Hearty always burned me twice: What you think is going to a healthy alternative to pizza turns out to be just as bad for you, plus it’s so greasy that you can’t even think about actually tasty food for hours afterward.