The 6 train sucks at rush hour. It comes every couple of minutes, but it inevitably fills way past the threshold at which a commuter can enjoy an inch of personal space. And even despite that, plenty of idiots still block the doors at stops, refuse to move all the way into the train cars and shove their way on instead of just waiting for the next train like everyone else on the platform.
As the doors were closing at the 68th St. stop this morning, a guy tried to scramble in only to meet an unyielding wall of humanity. The door caught him on the side and jostled him forward into the train and into a collision with another dude, who, it turned out, had a deep, booming, Ving Rhames voice and a bag he was working hard to protect.
“MOTHERF@#$ER!” He yelled. “Can’t you see I’ve got f@#$ing donuts!?”
The first dude, inches away from and face to face with the angry donut-holding guy with nowhere to move, mumbled something inaudible as the train started moving.
“OH YOU WANT SOME OF THESE F!@#ING DONUTS?” the angry guy continued. “I’LL SHOVE THESE DONUTS RIGHT IN YOUR F@#$ING FACE!”
“Ay, dios mio!” said a woman holding a baby, sitting nearby. The perpetrator looked down and mumbled something else. Here’s my favorite part:
“YEAH, YOU BETTER F@#$IN’ HOPE THEY CHOCOLATE!”
Between 59th St. and 51st, Donut Guy announced to the man in front of him and basically everyone else on the train that he was getting off at the next stop. He appeared to do so without incident and, fortunately for everyone, without in any way compromising his prized bag of donuts.
So if some basso profundo co-worker brought donuts to your Midtown office today, make sure to thank him profusely. He put a lot of effort into getting those donuts to you intact.