OK, I need to stress again that I’m operating on very little sleep, but I believe it goes something like this: At some point within the next 100 years, we achieve technological singularity. In the subsequent explosion of new advances, the supercomputers building better supercomputers always operate to forward the best interests of the human race, since humans programmed the computers in the first place and the computers exist to help us prosper.

But it turns out people are stupid and weak and need to be coddled, so the ultimate fallout from the singularity is that computers start taking care of more and more of our daily tasks. That’s pretty awesome at first, but eventually technology advances so far that pretty much everything is automated. The computers never become self-aware or turn malicious — fundamentally they must do what is best for humanity — but their plans go awry.

The computers start genetically engineering people — or insisting that people genetically engineer themselves, I’m not really sure yet — so that they’re most efficiently built for the new, post-singularity worlds. Future, computer-controlled people have no need for any semblance of excess fat, musculature, hair or skin tone, so those are all bred out. I don’t know why you can’t just keep having hair, but the whole point is that the computers are way smarter than us so you just have to trust them on this one. Eventually, people pretty much look like this:

Oh, for some reason we also need really big eyes in the future.

Eventually, due to some impending traumatic event, the computers recognize that the now-pitifully weak human race is in jeopardy. But because the future humans are now so unlike their hearty ancestors, the supercomputers have to develop time-travel devices for us and send us back to the U.S. around the turn of the 21st century to find people at their very fattest. By a completely random series of coincidences, all the 21st-century people that get probed for genetic material happen to be insane.

Then the future people go back home and make babies that look like crazy Kansans and feed the benevolent Matrix.

Well, sure: Quantum physics explains the way matter behaves and pitchers are made of matter.

Yodels. Felt like they had the highest frosting/lard:cake ratio of the Drake’s Cakes.