Salad sucks

I’m going to die someday, and when I die, on my deathbed, I’m probably going to say, “I should have had more cake.”

– My friend Ripps*, circa 2003.

I’ve alluded to this a couple times here and on Twitter, so I should just come with the confession: I’ve been trying to live healthy for the last month and a half.

Due to a variety of factors — both within and beyond my control — I gained a bunch of weight since last summer and I need to lose about 20 pounds. I’ve always carried a few more than I should and I’m cool with that, but my back (and just about everything else) feels better when I’m lighter. Plus, I want to do more of the Sandwich Show, and you really can’t be a fat guy cooking bacon-laden foods on video. You just can’t.

So I’ve worked out six days a week every week since I got back from Spring Training in mid-March and to date I’ve lost… about one pound. It’s not all for naught, since I’m certain I’ve gotten stronger, my endurance is better and I have more energy. But working out makes me hungry and my willpower around delicious food when I’m hungry is terrible.

My wife and I started eating salads for dinner a couple times a week, and salad is total b.s. I’m sorry. It sucks. Salad tastes like obligation, the culinary answer to the homework you need to take care of before you can play video games. Only when you’re having salad for dinner, there are no video games. Even if I have a salad with a pita and a giant piece of grilled chicken on top, I’m hungry like 15 minutes later. No exaggeration, like stomach-growling hungry.

The messed-up thing is it’s almost certainly psychological, because there’s plenty of food there — and carbs and protein and everything — and I like every individual ingredient we use in salads if they’re instead used, well, say, on a sandwich. Lettuce? Adds crunch. Cucumber? Same deal, and tasty too. Carrots? Sweet, crunchy, delicious on a banh mi. I could go on.

I realize, upon reflection, that I’ve lost weight several times before and it has never involved regularly eating salad. I just need to commit to saving half of the sandwich for later and other such nonsense. (Also, please, the Internet, don’t come at me with unsolicited nutrition and exercise advice.)

Notable exception: Taco salad.

*- Ripps, I should say, is now totally jacked. He is also responsible for opening my eyes to the merits of on-base percentage back in the mid-90s.

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