Just because I’m in Buffalo doesn’t mean it’s not Taco Bell Tuesday.
At OC Weekly, Michelle Woo explains that Taco Bell’s new Cantina Menu tastes nothing like Taco Bell. My first instinct would be to say that means it sucks, but Woo is upbeat about it. Woo writes:
For Cantina Bell, Garcia got rid of the guacamole gun (the one that shoots out globs of green stuff and can probably double as a lethal weapon) and ditched sour cream all together. (It’s never been a part of Latin American cuisine, anyway, save for those pesky pochos) Garcia grew up eating tons of cilantro and wanted to incorporate it in a major way, so Taco Bell set up cilantro fields across the country to keep up with the demand. In total, she introduced eight new ingredients to the permanent Taco Bell menu, which is a big deal considering it seems that the restaurant previously had like four.
There’s a lot there. First, just because Taco Bell is serving better guacamole doesn’t mean it shouldn’t get fired out of a gun. C’mon now. If they want to incorporate guacamole with big chunks of avocado, I support it wholeheartedly — traditional Taco Bell guacamole wasn’t anything notable. But there’s just nothing efficient or awesome about ladling it on to a burrito with a spoon. Taco Bell has awesome condiment guns for just this purpose. You just need a higher caliber guacamole rifle.
Second: “Cilantro fields across the country to keep up with demand.” Taco Bell was going to buy up all the world’s cilantro so they planted some instead.
Third: Eight new ingredients to the permanent menu. That’s huge. What’s going to be important is whether those ingredients cross over to the non-Cantina, regular-ass Taco Bell menu we’ve come to love. That “vibrant fire-roasted corn salsa” sounds pretty delicious. Can I get that on a Volcano Taco or what?
Major League Baseball has announced the rosters for this year’s Taco Bell All-Star Legends and Celebrity Softball Game. Notably absent? Anyone I’d describe as a “Taco Bell All-Star Legend.” I know Gidget the Chihuahua and Glen Bell can’t make it, but can they really not find any Taco Bell Legend or Taco Bell Celebrity better than Jon Hamm and some guy from Glee? What are Hamm’s Taco Bell credentials?
Any Taco Bell All-Star Legend roster needs Justin Verlander on it. Also, what’re the guys from Club Chalupa doing that’s so important they can’t give it a go in the outfield? Charles Barkley? The guy who did that “It’s all about the Roosevelts” rap? Shaq and Hakeem Olajuwon?