Typically celebrity-romance stuff gets ignored on TedQuarters, but when it involves Mark Sanchez it is noted. The Sanchize’s representatives told US Weekly that he broke up with Eva Longoria recently despite how he “adores and respects” her, and that the split was “about scheduling more than anything else.” Sounds like stuff I’d say if I got dumped, but I can’t imagine anyone ever dumping Mark Sanchez unless a) he’s a real, real jackass in person or b) Eva Longoria’s a WFAN-caller Jets fan and is crushing on Tim Tebow.

When you’re famous, your representatives have to confirm the particulars of your relationships to magazines. How long after your breakup do you let your PR people know about it? Do you allow a few days for things to cool off in case you both regret it and get back together, or are you texting your agent throughout the process for support? Either way it seems weird. (When it’s a marriage or a very long-term relationship, it always makes me sad to see it detailed in headlines. I know it comes with the territory for celebrities, but really, we’re going to get all up in Rhea Perlman’s business when she separates from Danny DeVito? This woman has been with Danny DeVito for 40 years. You can’t convince me that’s not a deep and powerful type of love, something that deserves better than to split a tabloid cover with something crazy Octomom did.)

Any, back to Sanchez: Hey Mark Sanchez, if you’re looking to get back out there and Scotty McKnight’s busy, I make a hell of a wingman. It won’t be weird or anything, I promise. I’m happily married so you don’t have to worry about me competing with you for female attention. Also, the juxtaposition with me will make you look really awesome at football. And then if things don’t work out for you that night, we can hit up Taco Bell for Fourthmeal and talk about sports and girls and stuff. Oh, also, my sister works in Broadway and I know a lot about plays. Does Nick Mangold know a lot about plays? Call me, bro. Use the boat phone if you must.