Author Archives: Ted Berg

Darryl Strawberry will finally square off with Sinbad

Posted on by
Reply

Apparently Darryl Strawberry will join the cast of Celebrity Apprentice, alongside such current and relevant celebrities as Sharon Osbourne, Bret Michaels, Cyndi Lauper, Sinbad and someone named Curtis Stone.

I don’t watch Celebrity Apprentice, but I’ll certainly pull for Darryl. I’ve never gotten the chance to deal with him much, but one of the great and surreal upsides to this job is that occasionally Darryl Strawberry is just walking around the office.

Plus, Darryl will have the opportunity to redeem the good name of the 1986 Mets in the business world after Lenny Dykstra’s ignominious decline. Also, he wears some amazing suits.

Still, Sinbad is a formidable opponent. Don’t forget what he brought to the table for the Texas State Fighting Armadillos. Dude’s a competitor.

As for Sharon Osbourne, does she really count as a celebrity? I mean, isn’t the thing she’s most famous for just another reality TV show? I guess she’s Ozzy Osbourne’s wife and that counts for something, but nothing makes my head hurt more than the concept of the reality-TV celebrity. I think Bret Michaels kind of falls in that category now, too.

Rod Blagojevitch will also be on the show.

Items of note

Posted on by
2

It turns out that, aside from the Twitter whining, David Clowney might be a pretty awesome guy.

Mike and the Mad Dog will reunite today. Smart money says it’ll be entertaining but ultimately frustrating nonsense.

A-Rod’s cousin and drug hookup Yuri Sucart is in financial trouble. Hmm… I wonder if he knows anyone who could bail him out.

Pedro Martinez will start Game 2 of the NLCS tonight. I wish the Phillies lost Game 1 so I could root for Pedro to at least have a decent start and Lidge to blow it. Now I’m taking no chances. My hatred for the Phillies trumps my love for Pedro.

Toby Hyde continues covering the crap out of the Mets’ Minor League system, breaking down Fernando Martinez and Jon Niese upon their inclusion in Baseball America’s Top 20 International League prospects. Shockingly, as Toby points out, Jesus Feliciano did not make the cut.

From the Wikipedia: the Higgs boson

Posted on by
3

Chris requested this earlier in the time-travel post, then he found some more embarrassing pictures of Cole Hamels, so I figured I’d take a stab at it.

From the Wikipedia: the Higgs boson

Yeah, I’m sorry. I have no idea what the Higgs boson really is. Supposedly finding it will help explain why matter has mass, and it’s the last missing piece, apparently, of something called the Standard Model of particle physics. That’s all I know. Don’t ask me how or why or what exactly that means.

I really did try to figure this one out. I actually stumble my way onto Wikipedia posts related to theoretical physics with some frequency, and every single time I think, “OK, I’m going to try to see if l I can wrap my mind around this one.”

Doesn’t happen. In fact, it’s pretty rare I ever get past one sentence without encountering something I don’t know or can’t comprehend. Then, to make matters worse, I click on that thing, since it’s the Wikipedia, and then that thing’s article is also incomprehensible.

It’s frustrating on a number of levels. For one, theoretical physics apparently represent a giant hurdle in my quest for omniscience.

Second, it bothers me that there’s so much information about theoretical physics available on the Wikipedia. I mean, I get that the people who edit the Wikipedia are nerds and so are most theoretical physicists. But how many people must there be who understand this stuff for it to have such comprehensive coverage on the Wikipedia? Does every single person who gets what the Higgs boson is also edit the Wikipedia in his or her spare time?

I doubt it, and that makes it even worse. Because then that means there is a whole slew of people who can process this stuff, and only a small cross-section of them bother entering it into the Wikipedia.

There are probably thousands, maybe tens of thousands, of people out there who know all about the search for the Higgs boson and why it’s important. But I am not one of them, and I think that’s depressing.

Embarrassing photos of Cole Hamels

Posted on by
82

Does the fact that the Phillies topped the Mets three seasons in a row get you down? It bums me out, for sure.

But every time I feel a little depressed, I look at these photos of Cole Hamels, and suddenly nothing seems so bad anymore.

Here’s Cole Hamels and his wife, in an ad for luxury condos in luxurious Philadelphia:

Here’s Cole Hamels carrying a dog in a bag, telestration courtesy of Phillies blog The Fightins‘:

But how do we know for sure that’s Cole Hamels? Back to the luxury condo:

Note that it’s clearly the same dog.

UPDATE: Oct. 15, 2009

Excellent reader Chris has provided more embarrassing photos of Cole Hamels.

There’s this (Get it? Coal Hamels!):

Get it? Cole like Coal?

And, of course, this:

Who knew then that Van Der Beek would be the least relevant of these four by now? Actually, probably everyone.

UPDATE, 6/28: Today perhaps the most embarrassing photo of Cole Hamels yet hit the Internet. It’s a tiny bit NSFW, so I’ll just point you over to the Fightins instead of posting it here.

Actually, come to think of it, it’s not nearly the most embarrassing photo of Cole Hamels yet. That’s got to be the one with the kids in the bed.

UPDATE, 4/21/11: And then there were two! A second image of Cole Hamels’ naked backside emerges, also from The Fightins.

UPDATE, 8/17:


UPDATE, 10/21/10: Brendan Bilko from Surviving the Citi pointed me to a whole slew of heretofore unseen embarrassing photos of Cole Hamels. First, three from a particularly J.C. Penney-ish modeling shoot:

Then this sneer-tastic shot from photographer Bruce Weber:

And finally, playful, cheery Cole Hamels:

UPDATE, 12/1/10: One more, this time courtesy the Twitterer @JWerthsBeard, via Brendan Bilko again.

Because I am not above poking fun at a man’s charitable efforts, here are some more embarrassing photos of Cole Hamels courtesy of the Hamels Foundation‘s web site.

UPDATE, 2/15/11: Cole Hamels is super-duper-psyched about the Phillies’ 2011 rotation:

UPDATE, 3/14/11: 58% of TedQuarters readers feel the following photo of Cole Hamels is embarrassing enough for this archive, so I am including it, with reservations.

UPDATE, 4/5/11: Two more embarrassing photos of Cole Hamels uncovered. The first, and more embarrassing:

Sexy Cole Hamels:

This one’s just weird:

UPDATE, 5/18/11: Via Ryan, Cole Hamels with a dolphin. Not even really embarrassing, unless you consider that he’s obviously reenacting all his favorite scenes from SeaQuest DSV:

UPDATE, 5/18/11: So I guess Microsoft Bing’s image-search formula must switch up more often than Google’s does. Just found these:

UPDATE, 6/3/11: The people have spoken, and this photo of Cole Hamels in an Affliction shirt has been deemed embarrassing enough for this archive. So here it is. Hat tip to Paul:

UPDATE, 6/28/11: Cole Hamels apparently pitched with a band-aid on his face to cover up a zit. I’m pretty vain myself, but I’d say this is good enough for the archive. Via the always-vigilant Hamels-photo archivists at The Fightins:

UPDATE, 7/29/11: From Seth, via Kim, from the Citizens Bank Park scoreboard. Generally Photoshops are frowned upon for purposes of this archive, but since this one appears to be officially sanctioned, I’ll allow it:

UPDATE, 8/26/11: This man is currently tops in the NL in WHIP, fourth in ERA+ and third in K:BB ratio, and the active Major League leader in embarrassing photos:

UPDATE, 9/26/11: TedQuarters hero Valentino Pascucci crushed a game-tying pinch-hit home run off Hamels in the seventh inning of the first game of the Mets and Phillies double-header on Saturday, 9/24. This isn’t the most embarrassing photo of Cole Hamels but there’s just no way I’m leaving it unarchived. Hat tip to Catsmeat for the grab:

UPDATE, 9/27/11: Our man Patrick Flood located a disarmingly abundant wealth of embarrassing photos of Cole Hamels at ColeHamels.com, enough to probably render this site obsolete.

UPDATE, 11/21/11: From the Good Phight, via Tina:

UPDATE, 12/8/11: This one barely counts, but it’s been sort of a dark week for Mets fans and Cole Hamels himself Tweeted it last night. Here’s Cole Hamels in some leopard-print slippers:

UPDATE, 1/18/12: Happy New Year, Royce Hamels!

Photographer Sean Patrick Watters did a photoshoot with Hamels that’s definitely worth checking out for anyone interested in embarrassing photos of Cole Hamels. It includes this:

UPDATE, 3/19/12: Here is Cole Hamels and his favorite tailor:

UPDATE, 5/1/12: Maybe the most embarrassing photo of Cole Hamels yet for reasons specified here, but probably not:

UPDATE, 5/10/12: I’d say this counts. Donate to the Hamels Foundation.

UPDATE, 6/19/12: Yup.

Via multiple Twitterers, including @meechone, @juliaquadrinoo, @happyhank24 and @crashburnalley.

UPDATE, 8/14/12: A reader who requested anonymity passes along this, from a Cole Hamels charity cooking event. It’s not the event itself or even the apron that makes this embarrassing, I think, but Hamels’ expression combined with the apron, plus the leery look on the beefy dude’s face that implies whatever Hamels is saying is without question embarrassing:

Y’all realize by now that I’m a terrible person. So I’m not above pointing you to this photo of Cole Hamels — who seems like he’s probably a good person — celebrating his foundation’s $300,000 gift to an elementary school. It’s the juxtaposition of his expression and that of the little girl to his right on the front riser:

Please donate to the Hamels Foundation.

UPDATE, 10/1/12: Cole Hamels can’t hear us.

From Brett.

UPDATE, 1/2/13: ALL NEW FOR 2013!

Dolphins <3 Hamels.

toughguycole

To the Lighthouse

Posted on by
Reply

Yeah, that’s a Virginia Woolf reference. What of it?

So apparently Charles Wang is refuting earlier reports and insisting that the Lighthouse Project to rebuild Nassau Coliseum and develop the area around it is still on.

I haven’t been following this story that closely, but I grew up about 10 minutes from the Coliseum, and when I think back on it, it still sort of blows my mind that I lived so close to a professional sports team and almost never went to see it play.

Part of that is definitely because the Coliseum is such a drab hellhole, for sure.

I also worked right around the corner from the Coliseum, at Nassau Community College, for a while, and I can attest that outside of the occasional congestion on the Meadowbrook Parkway, traffic never gets that terrible in the area. Nothing like the corner of Flatbush and Atlantic, where the Nets are supposedly going, anyway.

But based on everything I heard about the Nassau County and Town of Hempstead governments in my time living and working there, Wang probably shouldn’t hold his breath on those zoning board rulings.

The important thing, as James K. pointed out earlier, is that Wings N’ Things, down Hempstead Turnpike, is preserved. That place is amazing.

Rex Ryan’s PG-13 tirade

Posted on by
1

According to the Daily News, Rex Ryan held a closed-door meeting with his defense that Kerry Rhodes deemed “PG-13.”

The good news is the rating means Ryan almost certainly didn’t take his shirt off.

But seriously, this type of thing is pretty run-of-the-mill in football, it seems. A coach gets angry and lights into his players in a profanity-laced rant, because that’s what football coaches do.

And so it always makes me think of the Tony Bernazard situation, in which he apparently tore his shirt off and challenged everyone on the Mets’ Double-A team to a fight.

I mean, as I’ve said before, that’s pretty crazy. And it’s almost certainly not the Assistant General Manager’s job. But is it as big a deal as the Daily News made it out to be?

I don’t know. I know that it always seemed like everyone wanted to either expose or target Bernazard as the problem in the Mets’ organization, and I have no reason to believe that wasn’t the case. But I’ll point out again that the Mets didn’t immediately turn their season around on the back of a unified clubhouse after Bernazard got canned.

My suspicion — and this is pure speculation — is that Bernazard is something of a jerk that rubbed the beat reporters the wrong way, and Rubin found the first opportunity he could justify to expose Bernazard for it. And he picked a pretty hilarious one, and did a good job with the details.

Part of the difference between what Ryan did and what Bernazard did, I suppose, is that Ryan was taking on grown men with giant salaries while Bernazard was essentially scolding a group of 21- and 22-year-olds.

Still, I used to do some stuff as a JV football coach that almost certainly should’ve gotten me fired. I would line up at cornerback — without pads, mind you — and play bump-and-run to knock receivers to the ground. And I’d play quarterback on the scout team, then lower my shoulder and steamroll the kids dumb enough to try to tackle me.

In retrospect it seems pretty violent and unnecessary, but I still like to think and hope I was making them better at football. And most of them seemed to still like me.

I guess I’m saying that, in isolation, many things a coach could do to motivate or better his players might seem a little bit over the line. But in context, what Bernazard did might not have been quite as insane as we now assume it to be.

1.21 gigawatts!

Posted on by
7

In a post to NY Baseball Digest, Mike Silva asks, “Can Ike Davis change the offseason?”

That’s all well and good, but here’s what I want to know:

Can Ike Davis change… THE FUTURE!?

After reading this New York Times article, it has become abundantly clear to me that the events of the past four seasons preventing the Mets from winning a world championship have not been just an unfortunate series of coincidences.

Clearly, if these Mets were to win a world championship, something extraordinarily bad would follow, and so agents from the future have come back in time to ensure that the Mets do not win.

I mean, think about it: It’s marginally reasonable that one year, in one seven-game series, Jeff Suppan could allow only one earned run over 15 innings and Jeff Weaver could pitch like a competent Major Leaguer.

And I’d believe that a team could blow a seven-game lead with 17 to go, even if the odds were overwhelmingly stacked against that happening.

And maybe once a collection of otherwise reasonable-seeming Major League pitchers could all crumble at once and form the worst bullpen in human history.

And perhaps I could comprehend that a team could, in one season, suffer debilitating injuries to nearly all of its best players.

But c’mon. Four consecutive years? I’m all about the role of luck and randomness in baseball, but at some point — just like those dudes in the Times — even the most understanding and patient of baseball minds have to consider ideas that they might otherwise deem crazy to explain a series of events as unlikely as this one.

And I think it’s pretty clear: someone, or some group of people, from the future has been charged with coming back in time and making sure the Mets don’t win. I don’t pretend to understand how they’ve done this, either to get back to the past or, once they get here, to make sure the Mets don’t win. Don’t expect me to wrap my head around future technologies.

How, you might ask, could they know that the Mets’ success would bring doom if clearly by the time the future comes it hasn’t? It’s a time paradox, stupid. It will always be this way. They are always charged with making sure the Mets don’t win. It’s just how it works.

So the Mets are not only battling the Phillies and the Marlins and a wholesale lack of organizational depth. They’re up against destiny, the entire plotted course of human events, and maybe the universe itself. That’s a whole lot of adversity, even for Carlos Beltran.

[poll id=”2″]

Items of note

Posted on by
1

Paul drops more John Olerud facts at Section Five Twenty-Eight.

Lots of good stuff from Adam Rubin today. First and foremost, Manny Acta could return as third-base coach next year.

Second, Manny Ramirez hopes to enjoy a postgame beer with Pedro Martinez. That’s a conversation I’d kill to be a part of.

Slim Pickens at TheNoonerBlog breaks down what went wrong for the Jets on Monday night.

The Lighthouse project to revamp Nassau Coliseum has gone strangely dark. I hope that, whatever they do, they don’t affect the array of amazing fast-food fried chicken places on Hempstead Turnpike.

“Wow, this burrito is delicious, but it is filling.” H/T to grad-school buddy Amanda for the link.