Colonel Tillinghast L’Hommedieu Huston

The Yankees once considered making their home on 42nd Street in bustling Midtown, according to a remarkable 1915 letter penned by team co-owner Colonel Tillinghast L’Hommedieu Huston.

A New York auction house just got its mitts on the historical gem — in which Huston, hat-in-hand, begs American League brass to help keep the then-financially struggling franchise afloat.

Huston, on behalf of his business partner, Col. Jacob Ruppert, asked AL President Ban Johnson for a meeting to hash over their plans to build a new stadium on 42nd Street.

David K. Li, N.Y. Post.

Well that’s kind of awesome to consider. I guess the important thing to remember is that it’s not just plopping Yankee Stadium and the 2011 Yankees down on our current conception of 42nd St. Obviously the histories of both Yankee Stadium and Midtown Manhattan since 1915 would have been altered had the team moved.

The letter doesn’t say where on 42nd St. the stadium would have gone. The Wikipedia tells me that in 1915 there were elevated trains crossing 42nd on Second, Third, Sixth and Ninth Avenues. The main branch of the New York Public Library was already at 42nd and 5th. The current incarnation of Grand Central Station went up on 42nd St. in 1913.

I’m out of my element here, but presumably the best place to put a baseball stadium on 42nd St. in 1915 would have been on either where all those new high-rises and old warehousey buildings are on the extreme west side or where the U.N. building is on the extreme east side. Historians?

And I suppose we could extrapolate from there: If the Yankees moved to the west side of Manhattan and still managed to secure Babe Ruth and become a massively successful baseball franchise, maybe Times Square extends all the way west now? I don’t know what that means for the 1980s pre-Disney incarnation of Times Square, when it was all peep shows and street preachers. But then the Yankees weren’t exactly these Yankees in the 1980s either.

If the Yankees moved to the east side, is there a Second Ave. subway line by now? Probably. Actually, you’ve got figure the entire infrastructure of the city would be altered pretty significantly by a baseball stadium placed there in 1915. But then I’m also not an urban planner.

Since we’re talking Yankees owners and New Yorker history, a little bit on a subject in which I am an expert: Me.

My new place is not far from a very small park named for Ruppert, a German whose family owned a brewery on the location. My great-great grandfather Adolph Von Berg — also, believe it or not, a German — worked as a brewmeister at Ruppert Brewery until prohibition.

Adolph, who dropped the “Von” from his last name at some point and forever impacted my middle-school seating assignments, had a son named Eric who contracted scarlet fever and lost his hearing before he learned to speak. Eric learned American Sign Language and Adolph spoke only German, so the father and son only communicated through gestures.

Eric and his wife, who was deaf from having been kicked by a horse in childhood, bestowed upon their third son the unfortunate name “Winfred Millard” — the joke in my family was that they never heard how bad it sounded (though “Win” made for a pretty sweet nickname). Winfred, my grandfather, entered school with very little language and failed kindergarten multiple times. But he grew up to be an engineer and inventor and earned 60-something patents. Plus he was a pretty hilarious dude.

In Living Color returning

I posted the Wayans poll yesterday without knowing about this. Pretty random.

It also seems worth noting that the poll returns ranked the Wayans exactly as I would. And the lack of votes for Kim Wayans means we’ve successfully eliminated the trolls from this site.

Bulletproof, starring Damon Wayans and Adam Sandler, is quietly a very funny movie.

Hat tip to Seth for the news.

Five new ideas for zombie shows

With the ratings success of The Walking Dead, it seems inevitable that some other TV network will soon present its own spin on a zombie-based show. Here are some ideas for that. I happen to work at a TV network and I’ve tried to pitch some of the bigwigs around here on a few of these, but no dice. Apparently they don’t fit with SNY’s “brand.”

Working titles only:

The Flu: An airborne infection turns nearly everyone on the planet into mindless, vicious cannibals. Unlike many zombies, they have some instinct toward self-preservation and they can feed on other zombies, so they spread out rather than move in packs. That makes life tricky for Rod, a biologist working to determine why he is immune to infection, seeking fellow survivors, and searching for a cure.

Zombie Hunter: After a weapons collector and mixed-martial-arts expert loses the only woman he has ever loved to a horde of 28 Days Later-style fast, raging zombies, he becomes convinced he is the last living human left on earth. Luckily, he is Jason Statham, and vengeance against the zombie masses provides all the motivation he needs to go on living. Hardcore action with a philosophical bent. OPTIONAL: His friend Norm MacDonald also survives, and doesn’t help much with the zombie-killing but spends a whole lot of time talking about how great it is.

Croatoan: Hey, whatever happened at Roanoke Colony anyway? There are a variety of theories: Maybe the colonists integrated with the local tribes, or got lost at sea or starved to death. Or maybe they slowly fell victim to a New World virus that killed half their settlement only to see them rise again as lurching, brain-hungry zombies. The survivors bicker over how to handle the reanimated remains of their loved ones, dividing the settlement in an escalating saga of man vs. man vs. ex-man. They all die in the finale. Or maybe there’s a twist ending, and it turns out we’re all descended from zombies. Or it was only a snow globe.

True Brains: Thanks to new, mass-produced synthetic version of human flesh, a bunch of sexy, brooding zombies and the capricious but also very sexy humans upon whom they once feasted can finally live in harmony. OR CAN THEY?

Night of the Comet, the TV show: Did anyone see that movie Night of the Comet? It was sweet. This would be that, but a TV show.

OTHER IDEAS: Who Dat Zombie?; Everybody Loves Zombie Raymond.

Zombie SABR

To figure it out, we grabbed a stopwatch and went through both seasons to find out what percentage of each had hot zombie action. We started the timer whenever a zombie scene started up, and kept it going until the scene either ended or it started getting distracted by intra-refugee squabbling. And it turns out we weren’t imagining a net loss of undeaddery: There have been fewer zombies this year. In total, the six-episode season one had roughly 47 minutes total of zombie action in 292 minutes of episode run time, which means that they accounted for 16 percent of the season. Meanwhile, this first half of season two (seven episodes) had 40.5 zombie minutes in 319 minutes of run time, which is 12.7 percent.

Alexandra Martell, NYMag.com.

That is some good zombie SABR right there. I’d be interested in expanding that research, too — it felt like way more of the first season of The Walking Dead occurred under threat of imminent zombie attack, whereas most of the second season has happened at this stupid farm that is for some reason invisible to zombies and/or unbound by all the rules for keeping zombies at bay that were carefully laid out in the first season.

Most notably: Are the zombies no longer attracted to loud noises? Because though the (SPOILER ALERT) climactic zombie massacre at the end of the mid-season finale last night was pretty awesome, I was led to believe that much gunfire would draw the attention of every zombie in a 10-mile radius. But this season they’re going out in the woods taking target practice like it’s no big deal, even though we know there are zombies in those woods. What gives?

When you outline a zombie scenario, you set up your own list of rules: The Walking Dead’s zombies aren’t smart or fast, but they’re persistent, they can survive on non-human meat, and they’re attracted to the sounds and smells made by living people. Once that general set of rules no longer seems to apply, it sort of trivializes the whole thing and the show just becomes a silly soap opera about terrible actors who whisper really loudly.

Also, why don’t they get more crossbows? I guess it’s pointless now that the loud-noise thing doesn’t matter anymore, but for a while when it did matter, they only had one crossbow, and the crossbow-wielding dude was by far the most badass and valuable zombie-killer. They’re in the south; there’s got to be a sporting goods store around somewhere. You have to figure these people with the wherewithal to survive the zombie apocalypse can get their hands on another crossbow or at least a slingshot or something.

For obvious reasons you want to minimize your close-range hand-to-hand combat with infectious zombies. There are so many ways to do that besides just sort of hoping you can stab them or bludgeon them with something before you get desperate and shoot them.

Mostly, though, the show has gotten stupid in its second season because it has spent almost the entire time focusing on the characters and I could hardly care less about them.

Even when it became clear that the creators of Lost had no real plan and were grasping at nebulous mystical ideas, I still wanted good endings for most of the characters. If on the next episode of The Walking Dead, every single character besides Darryl and Glenn became a zombie, and the rest of the show was just Darryl and Glenn eluding zombies and sometimes killing them with crossbows, that’d be fine by me. And even Glenn seems like he might be getting lame.

Just a whole show about Darryl crossbowing zombies and eating squirrels would be better than seeing Andrea rebel against Dale’s misguided parental efforts to keep her away from the self-destructive Shane. T-Dog seems like he might be OK but he doesn’t get enough screentime anymore for us to know.

Lastly — and this is just a nitpick, I realize: When they’re talking about bad stuff that happened in the past, why do they only refer to the stuff that has happened on screen? Like, “Oh, those zombies killed Amy!” It’s the zombie apocalypse, bro. That dude in the CDC called it humanity’s extinction event. Pretty much everyone you ever knew and loved is dead or a zombie. Why do you keep harping on that girl who spent five minutes in a boat with Andrea in one episode of Season 1?

Point is, the show kind of sucks now. I’m going to keep watching, because I’m a sucker like that. But I’m going to do so begrudgingly, and just so I can keep saying how stupid it is. WHY IS THIS SHOW ABOUT ZOMBIES SO UNREALISTIC?

What I’m thankful for

It’s Thanksgiving, as you probably know. And I am of course thankful for all the awesome things I should be thankful for: My friends and family, my job, the food I’m about to eat, shelter, indoor plumbing, football, etc.

But in addition to those staples, here are three things I’m thankful for this year:

Change I can believe in: Fans are understandably down on the Mets. They’re coming off their third straight losing season, their owners are mired in a very public financial mess, and they might be on the brink of losing to free agency one of the brightest stars the franchise has produced in decades. And that all sucks.

But it’s comforting to know — or to be able to believe, at least — that the Mets’ current front office seems both capable of and dedicated to making the best possible baseball decisions to turn the club into a regular winner. It’s going to take time, of course. And I understand if you don’t believe me — the current front office has been so hamstrung by the decisions of the last one that it hasn’t yet had a lot of flexibility to show what it will do with what should be a big-market payroll. That’s a discussion for another day, though.

Point is, I haven’t yet lost faith in Sandy Alderson and the SABRos, and for that I’m thankful. Maybe there’s some blinders-on optimism in play here, but that’s fine by me: It’s nice to enjoy a sunny outlook about your favorite team’s future for once, and I’ll seize this opportunity as long as I can. If and when they start making short-sighted, reactionary, terrible moves, I’ll lament them. For now, I’m going to celebrate that somewhere in the eye of the ferocious hellstorm of nonsense whirling around the team stand (or appear to stand) a couple of calm, reasonable dudes making shrewd decisions geared toward building a perennial contender.

Banh mi sandwiches: How great are banh mi sandwiches? I’ve had three since I moved back to the city. They’re not readily available in Westchester — or at least not that I could find. So I’ve set out on a quest to find a Hall of Fame-caliber banh mi, and I’m not going to stop until you read that glowing review here on this site.

There’s a combination of flavors and textures in the banh mi that’s not found in most sandwiches traditionally produced by Western cultures. It’s the exquisite product of cultural interchange: Southeast Asian flavors with delicious, crusty French bread, and you just know if you trace back the history there’s all sorts of unspeakable colonial awfulness involved (kind of like Thanksgiving, really) but if you’re staring at the sandwich you can overlook it all for a second and revel in the years-later byproduct of imperialism.

Whoa, that got heavy. I want to go back to talking about the sandwich: The taste of a good banh mi floats around your mouth like a spicy, vinegary butterfly. It’s eminently filling, but somehow refreshing — a big, delicious sandwich that leaves you feeling like maybe you ate something healthy for once. I think that’s the cilantro. We should brush our teeth with cilantro. I’m also thankful for cilantro in general.

Beavis and Butthead: This is kind of a two-part thankfulness item. I’m thankful that Beavis and Butthead are back on TV because Beavis and Butthead are hilarious. I don’t know if you’ve caught any of the new episodes, but I find myself laughing nearly as hard and as often as I did when they ran the first time, back when I shared an age and general mindset with the show’s heroes.

I guess the thing is that Beavis and Butthead are kind of timeless: A couple of lazy dudes who love explosions and rock and hot women and who enjoy making fun of stuff that sucks. I hear that. And the new version of the show does a really good job sending up the various reality-TV fare airing on MTV these days, which makes sense: How could Beavis and Butthead watch music videos all day today if music videos almost never air anymore? Today’s version of the characters would be (and are) watching Jersey Shore, making fun of it as almost everyone who watches Jersey Shore does.

And that the show has remained funny upon its return gives me hope for the forthcoming fourth season of Arrested Development, which was announced last week. Since the first three-season run of that show was as close to perfect as anything I’ve ever seen on television, I’ve been a little nervous that the long-rumored movie or this newly announced fourth season could sully (in my opinion, at least) the show’s legacy. But if Mike Judge could pull off what appears to be a successful return, maybe Mitch Hurwitz and the folks responsible for Arrested Development will too.

Lists are stupid but Jimi Hendrix was sweet

[Jimi Hendrix] seamlessly weaves chords and single-note runs together and uses chord voicings that don’t appear in any music book. His riffs were a pre-metal funk bulldozer, and his lead lines were an electric LSD trip down to the crossroads, where he pimp-slapped the devil.

Tom Morello.

One of these Top-100-guitarists-ever lists comes out every few years, and every time I read them even knowing that I think most lists are stupid, and then I find myself nitpicking with the rankings, questioning the standards by which the list is made and doubting the integrity of the entire project. And such is the case with the most recent one, at Rolling Stone.

The upside to this one is that it doesn’t seem too strongly tilted toward technical wizardry in lieu of creativity, as these lists often are. But it does seem to give too much credence to guys who were great songwriters that happened to play the guitar. I mean, it’s going to take you a hell of a lot of time to convince me that Kurt Cobain is a better guitar player than Eddie Hazel. And if you want to tell me that The Edge is better than John McLaughlin at anything worth being good at, you’re probably arguing in vain.

And the point I always make when these lists come out — to anyone who will listen, at least — is that there are a ton of session dudes and basement shredders none of us have ever heard of who can likely play with nearly anyone on this list. And you could say, “oh well yeah, but maybe they’re not as creative,” but success in music seems so eminently random that I wouldn’t be surprised if they are. So I think “Greatest” here actually means something closer to “most influential,” which doesn’t make for as strong of a list title.

Jimi Hendrix was awesome though. No beef with that choice. And really I just wanted to pass along the quote from Morello, who is also pretty awesome (and also on the list).

Apparently before he died, Hendrix hatched plans to record an album with Miles Davis. That stands as about the best reason I can think of to hope for some sort of afterlife.

On A Very Harold and Kumar 3D Christmas, briefly

I saw A Very Harold and Kumar 3D Christmas and found it pretty awesome. Out of curiosity, I read some of the reviews online this morning and I thought a lot of them missed the mark.

Most of them focused on the plot, which is more or less what you’d expect from a Harold and Kumar Christmas movie: Holiday-themed stoner hijinks, framed by the now-rich Harold’s search for a Christmas tree to impress his terrifying father-in-law after the still-slacking Kumar burns his down. For much of the movie Harold and Kumar aren’t really friends, which is at least vaguely interesting.

But the movie’s real appeal, to me, lied in its comic exploitation of the 3D medium. Early on there’s a wink-wink moment in which Harold’s assistant details the merits of 3D television — which did not at all jump the shark — and from there, the movie endeavors various trippy sequences clearly aimed at making full use of the technology: an egging, a hallucinogenic claymation romp, a commercial for a waffle-making robot, and backstories told in partly animated comic-book style.

It’s all pretty gimmicky (and the movie makes no effort to pretend otherwise), but it makes for an excellent visual spectacle and a compelling case to shell out for tickets to see it in its intended form. I found myself laughing more at the cinematographical (is that a word?) humor than anything any of the characters said.

I didn’t see Jackass 3D, but Harold and Kumar made a pretty good case for the way 3D can and should be used in comedies. It requires something of an adjustment on the part of the audience, perhaps, and funny things flying off the screen at you aren’t the type of movie moments you’re going to be able to quote long after seeing them. But I had a hell of a lot of fun watching it.

Rocky, Das Musical

Rocky, the musical version of the Oscar-winning boxing movie, will get its world premiere at the Operettenhaus in Hamburg, Germany, in November 2012, producers Stage Entertainment, Sylvester Stallone and Vitali & Wladimir Klitschko announced….

Steven Hoggett (Black Watch, American Idiot, Peter and the Starcatcher, Once) will handle the boxing choreography. Kelly Devine (Rock of Ages) is choreographer of the more traditional musical numbers in the show that composer Flaherty called a kind of “visceral …street opera.” In addition to offering intimate songs, the show also has its moments of “gladiatorial spectacle,” Timbers said on camera….

The production (to premiere using the German language) is billed on the Stage Entertainment website as Rocky, Das Musical, Fight From the Heart.

Kenneth Jones, Playbill.com.

Sometimes you just want to excerpt the whole article. Holy hell.

OK so maybe I’m reading this wrong, but please tell me this means there’s soon going to be a production of a musical version of Rocky called Rocky, Das Musical IN GERMAN produced in part by Sly Stallone and the Klitschkos featuring “Eye of the Tiger” and described by its composer as a “visceral street opera.”

You all saw that too, right? This isn’t just like one of those I-swear-I-saw-Sasquatch-in-the-corner-of-my-eye things, right?

Right?

And please, please tell me you have booked me a flight to Hamburg for next November, where we will laugh and sing and eat sausage and drink beer from steins and enjoy the world’s first and foremost Rocky-inspired “gladiatorial spectacle.”

Mmm, Hamburg.

Also, if this is eventually coming to Broadway, they’re going to need a star who can sing in an Italian accent, and preferably in the Rocky voice. I mean, you figure that’s non-negotiable. Some Julliard-trained twit steps on stage as Rocky and belts out heartfelt duets with Paulie in a pitch-perfect but silken Midwestern baritone and half the house is walking out, I promise you that.

No audience is more hellbent on authenticity than the contemporary Broadway crowd. It’s an underreported fact that during previews for The Addams Family a deranged madman fired on Nathan Lane for portraying Gomez with a slight Andalusian accent instead of the traditional Castilian.

Point being, if they’re looking for someone to convincingly sing in an Italian accent, I’m your guy. I’ve only been in two musicals in my life but both times I played a character that sung in an Italian accent. Neither sounded like Sly, but I’ll work on it. And as for the fight choreography, I’m a terrible dancer. But if you mean to make it anything like Rocky, I assume you’ll want your star at the business end of an almost inconceivable number of poorly defended headshots. I can do that too. People love punching me in the face.

Also, if that doesn’t pan out: What about Rocky, Das Musical: The Musical? It’s a musical about making a German musical version of Rocky. Crazy meta. It’ll kill on off-off-Broadway. I can be the guy who plays Rocky in the play within the play. Give me a couple of months to get in shape. If you want to film training montages let me know.

Huge hat tip to Meredith for the news.