Jordan Zakarin passes along word that the following is available for sale in SkyMall, America’s most essential in-flight catalog:

SkyMall has really outdone itself this time. Among pages upon pages of ridiculous, unnecessary products, perhaps most absurd of all: Jeff Francoeur, Clutch Hitter.

If you’re playing at home, Francoeur’s career line in high-leverage situations is a hefty .252/.301/.384, meaning he is a clutch hitter in roughly the same way that Yuniesky Betancourt is a hitter, in that both men are often charged with the task regardless of if they are up to it.

In fact, since Francoeur’s career rates in medium- and low-leverage situations are well higher than in those highly pressured spots, one might even argue that Jeff Francoeur is a decidedly unclutch hitter if one believed such a thing exists at the Major League level.

But then SkyMall says otherwise, and SkyMall sells the Litter Robot.

Remember earlier, when I said “There probably exists something equally goofy of Shane Victorino”? It turns out, the night of the Cole Hamels Roadhouse Photoshopping was 80’s night in Philadelphia. Here’s what they went with for Victorino:

What’s entertaining is that it’s even-money Victorino actually has that suit.

What’s disheartening is how awesome this one came out:

Hat tip to Seth and Kim again, and Theresa.

Seth tipped me off to this one, courtesy of his friend Kim, via, of all places, the Citizens Bank Park scoreboard:

This is obviously amazing on face, especially knowing that they’re actually putting this on the scoreboard at Phillies games, which implies: A) This is something the Phillies — or at least their scoreboard operators — expect the city of Philadelphia to rally behind and B) There probably exists something equally goofy of Shane Victorino.

If you look closely, you’ll notice that this is clearly the work of a master Photoshopper working off this promo image for the 1989 Patrick Swayze movie Roadhouse and not a staged Hamels re-enactment of said image. Our man Cole can’t boast guns like those or hair like that. Presumably the scoreboard gimmick seen here puts players’ faces on their film heroes, like something you’d pay 18 bucks for at an amusement park when you were 7.

Since the earliest days of the Embarrassing Photos of Cole Hamels archive, I have resisted the urge to include Photoshopped images of Hamels, mostly because there is no shortage of undoctored embarrassing photos of Hamels.

But I make the rules around here, and I have decided to make an exception in this case. For one thing, this particular Photoshop appears to be an officially sanctioned one. For another, I feel I should include it to shame Cole for opting to go with the movie choice Chase Utley convinced him would be cool and not the one he had in his heart:

1) Colonel John Axford:

2) Sergeant Major Sam LeCure: