Some grown-ass-man Brewers fan thought Albert Pujols was going to give him a baseball. He was wrong.
Albert Pujols messing with people is the next best thing to everything else Albert Pujols does on a baseball field.
Taco Bell chief marketing officer David Ovens has resigned from the company. Mr. Ovens, who has been with Yum since 2007, reportedly resigned for personal reasons and is returning to Australia with his family. Mr. Creed is expected to oversee the company’s marketing function until a replacement for is found.
– Maureen Morrison, Advertising Age.
Dear Taco Bell,
Perhaps you know me. I write a sports and sandwich blog of minor repute and I am your biggest fan.
I chose my current place of residence in part because of its proximity to a Taco Bell location. I went to Taco Bell on my wedding day, in between the ceremony and reception. I own an autographed copy of Glen Bell’s authorized biography, Taco Titan. I co-founded the Taco Bell Wiki.
I enjoy my current job very much; I cover the baseball team I grew up loving and I have the freedom to write about pretty much anything I want. But I’m willing to give all that up to be Taco Bell’s new Chief Marketing Officer, assuming the position comes with a hefty salary and a boatload of free tacos. A company car would be nice too, but we’ll settle that when we get to the negotiating phase.
And though I lack any sort of marketing experience, I trust you’ll follow the sage advice of my predecessor and Think Outside the BunTM on this one. What exactly does a Chief Marketing Officer do? I have no idea. But I bet it involves telling people about how great Taco Bell is, and so I bet I’d be pretty damn good at it. I believe in your product, Taco Bell.
If I were to be hired as your Chief Marketing Officer, I would implement my Triple-Decker Taco agenda, the following three-tiered plan to further strengthen the Taco Bell brand. The three tiers are: Interactivity, Accountability, and Crunchy Red Strips.
Interactivity: Let’s face it, Taco Bell: They’re onto you. Every savvy taco eater realizes that almost all new Taco Bell menu items come from creating new combinations of ingredients already present on the Taco Bell menu. Let’s put pretense out to pasture and turn taco innovation over to the community.
I’ve presented this idea before but I fear it fell on deaf ears: The Taco Bell website should feature an interface wherein Taco Bell fans can create new menu items out of existing Taco Bell ingredients. Think of it like a paper doll, except instead of putting clothes on a doll we’re putting Lava Sauce on a theoretical Gordita. Then someone with access to a Taco Bell kitchen — specifically me — can test out the most promising suggested Taco Bell creations and select a few to feature in an online poll. Users vote on the best-looking new product, and we serve it for a limited time at participating locations.
That’s Taco Bell 2.0, brother.
We could also poll users on which classic limited-run menu item to bring back. Except we’d have to rig the poll, because I’d really like to try a Bacon Cheeseburger Burrito.
Accountability: Have you ever been to the Taco Bell restaurant in Elmsford, N.Y.? It’s the Worst Taco Bell in the World. Sometimes you have to wait like 20 minutes in the drive-thru line. You could make your own tacos in that much time. Plus, they almost never have the red shells for Volcano Tacos. And heaven forbid you want no tomatoes on your Baja Beef Gordita, it’s practically even money they’ll serve it to you with tomatoes and without Baja Beef.
We can’t have this happen, Taco Bell. Someone needs to hold local franchisees accountable for their restaurants so that every Taco Bell store can operate as efficiently as the ones in Hempstead and Oceanside, N.Y. — fine Taco Bells both. The only way I can think of to ensure quality-of-service across all locations is to have one guy travel the country ordering and eating Taco Bell.
I can be that guy, Taco Bell.
That bell on your logo should mean something. I know it means something to me. We need to make sure it resonates with the melodious ring of cheese-drenched awesomeness, not the discordant clang of a disappointing dining experience.
Crunchy Red Strips: Seriously, Taco Bell, do you have any idea how good the Crunchy Red Strips are? Why are they not in more stuff? They’re the perfect way to add crunchiness to portable menu items, and yet they’re only included in like four things.
Let’s change that. As Chief Marketing Officer, I would see to it that we create more driver-friendly menu items featuring and/or focused around the Crunchy Red Strips. And I’d make sure all Taco Bell employees are trained to add Crunchy Red Strips to any existing menu item (for a small additional charge, of course) in an even and appropriate manner.
Clearly, increased interactivity, accountability and Crunchy Red Strips will help power Taco Bell — all Taco Bells — to the forefront of fast-food dining experiences. This is how we win the franchise wars. I am your destiny, Taco Bell.
I eagerly await your response, Taco Bell. My resume is available upon request.
Love,
Ted
Imperfect circumstances call for creative solutions, and in recent weeks the Mets have kicked around many ideas for 2012. In that spirit, a well-placed front office source said it is “a possibility” that the Mets will move Jason Bay to center field next year.
That remains far from likely, the source said, but its consideration is interesting in what it reveals about the Mets’ view of three players: Bay, Daniel Murphy and Angel Pagan….
As for Bay’s defense, advanced metrics and scouts agree that he is a good left fielder — but the scouts say that center could be challenging for him. One metric, defensive runs saved, rates Bay as the National League’s third-best left fielder, with two runs saved.
– Andy Martino, N.Y. Daily News.
What? No.
Moving Jason Bay to center field is an idea so crazy it’s almost surreal — and not “crazy” as in “just crazy enough to work.” It’s just crazy enough to fail triumphantly.
For the last two seasons, Angel Pagan has been better than Jason Bay in just about every facet of the game. Pagan is a better fielder, a better hitter and a better baserunner. The only conceivable reason to replace Pagan with Bay would be if the team were desperate to save the $5 million or so Pagan will likely earn in arbitration. And even then they’d probably be better off with someone else in center, be it Jason Pridie or Kirk Nieuwenhuis or Scott Hairston or whoever.
Would moving Bay to center field help salvage his contract? No. While the offensive standards for center fielders are lower than they are for left fielders (though center fielders have outhit left fielders in 2011), Bay’s defense in center would likely be so awful that it would render him worthless.
If the Mets believe Murphy is a better option in left field than Bay in 2012, they should simply bench Bay. Moving him to the more difficult defensive position to somehow justify his poor hitting would… man, it makes my head hurt almost as much as the thought of an outfield manned by Murphy, Bay and Lucas Duda.
As for that one advanced defensive metric: Advanced defensive metrics kind of suck. They’re better than the other defensive metrics and they’re the best tool we have to try to objectively rate defenders, but a single-year’s worth of any of them means very little. They fluctuate too wildly. The same defensive metric cited above, defensive runs saved, put Bay at zero or less than zero in each of the past four seasons and has him at -12 for his career. Unless he magically got better in the outfield at age 32, his decent total in the stat this year is likely the product of randomness.
Fun fact: One advanced defensive metric, UZR, ranks Carlos Lee sixth among Major League left fielders with at least 500 innings in the position in 2011. Actually, according to defensive runs saved, Lee has been a much better defender than Bay this year. Presumably the Astros are considering moving Carlos Lee to center field next season.
I should probably ignore outlandish stories centered around ideas deemed “far from likely.” They’re obvious blogger-bait, and reacting to them only perpetuates the absurdity. But then everyone involved is looking for something to write about, and sometimes silly ideas help beat writers and bloggers both push the proverbial peanut.
So how about this? The Mets will consider moving Daniel Murphy to shortstop. It’s not going to happen… but it could!
The Carolina Panthers hope tight end Jeremy Shockey will be clutch in their passing game this season. He’s already come up big this year in another department — saving a life.
The agent for tight end Ben Hartsock told the National Football Post that Shockey came to the aid of his client in the Panthers’ lunch room when a piece of pork tenderloin became lodged in Hartsock’s throat.
“(Hartsock) started to go to the bathroom and I don’t know if he collapsed, but he couldn’t breathe,” agent Mike McCartney told the website. “Some new guy came and tried to give him the Heimlich. It didn’t work. Then, Shockey hit him in the back pretty hard and out came the meat. The Panthers told me it was really scary.
How good must the pork in the Panthers’ lunch room be if Ben Hartsock isn’t even bothering to chew it before swallowing? Also, I wonder how much pork you need to buy to feed an entire NFL team.
Furthermore, I’d be remiss if I didn’t note the non-zero chance Shockey just happened to punch Hartsock in the back at exactly the time Hartsock was choking, rendering the former Giant an accidental, Larry David-style hero.
Is it me or have there been a lot of Heimlich-related news stories lately?
Via Mike.
If at first you don’t succeed … don’t try sticking a rack of ribs down your pants again, dude.
A Pennsylvania man with a history of public drunkenness was sloshed this weekend when he tried to smuggle the $20 slab of meat from a Giant supermarket for the second time in three months, police said.
Donald Noone, 65, of Carlisle, Pa., tried and failed at a similar rib robbery in the same store on May 22, police said. That rack was worth $13.34 – not that anybody was buying the recovered evidence.
– Larry McShane, N.Y. Daily News.
This guy just keeps getting drunk and jamming ribs down his pants. You gotta buy ’em first, bro.
Twelve years ago today, Edgardo Alfonzo went 6-for-6 with three home runs. David Ferris looks back on Fonzie’s big day for SNY Why Guys. Best single-game offensive performance in Mets history? Has to be.
The Mets will inevitably make a bunch of moves, major and/or minor, before they break camp next April. But out of curiosity, I took a look at the players under team control for 2012.
Obviously there’ll be a ton of turnover at the fringes of the roster, and possibly a certain shortstop returning to the fold. But even if Sandy Alderson decides to Rip Van Winkle the offseason, the 2012 Mets should again score a lot of runs. With Ike Davis returning to first base, David Wright at third, Daniel Murphy somewhere and a host of decent if unspectacular hitters through the rest of the lineup, the club will likely boast another deep offense capable of maintaining rallies.
But one thing came up on the podcast last week: How long can the Mets keep carrying Jason Bay as an everyday corner outfielder? Can they really enter 2012 with a left fielder coming off two seasons like the ones Bay has suffered with the Mets?
Even this year, Bay has hit lefties well. The righty half of a left-field platoon is certainly not worth what Bay will be paid, but of course Bay will get his $18 million regardless of how he’s used. The Mets have a slew of Major League ready and near-ready lefty bats without obvious positions on next year’s club: Murphy and Lucas Duda already producing at the Major League level, and Fernando Martinez and Kirk Nieuwenhuis in Triple-A.
Even if one of those guys emerges as the team’s regular right fielder, would the Mets be best served using another to split time with Bay in left? In between injuries, Martinez posted an .836 OPS against righties in Buffalo. Before shoulder surgery ended his season, Nieuwenhuis rocked a .986 mark in the split. Duda has mashed Major League righties to the tune of an .823 OPS in his short career, and Murphy a .793. As a point of comparison, Bay has a .579 OPS against righties in 2011.
Granted, none of those guys has established that he can be a Major League hitter as good as Bay was from 2004 to 2009, so the top priority should always be getting Bay straightened out and hoping he returns to something like his old form. But if that doesn’t happen and the Mets still want to be winning as many games as possible, they’d likely benefit from choosing a lefty to share at-bats in left field in 2012.
The Mets’ front office showed no fear of cutting bait on sunk costs last spring, but Bay is set to make as much as Luis Castillo and Oliver Perez combined and can likely still provide the team some value in a limited role. But if he’s inked in as an everyday starter for 2012, Bay looks like a pretty big hole in an otherwise solid lineup as long as he keeps performing (or not performing) like this.
I was bound and determined to become Scott Hatteberg whether they cast me or not.
– Chris Pratt.
I wonder if anyone has ever said that before.
A pack of junkyard dogs is roaming the sidewalks surrounding Citi Field, menacing visitors as they exit the ballpark.
“They came at me like a locomotive,” Elaine Feerick said, describing her encounter this month with a 70-pound pit bull and a shepherd mix “that looked like a wolf.”
It’s too bad the nine on the field don’t play nearly as aggressively as the canines outside, the beleaguered Met fan said.
“My friend, who’s terrified of dogs, ran for her life faster than I’ve ever seen her run before,” Feerick said. “I stood there and the pit bull rammed into me like a battering ram — amazingly, I did not go down.”
– Amber Sutherland and Jeremy Olshan, N.Y. Post.
This might be the New York Postiest article on record. It turns out “pack of junkyard dogs… menacing visitors” refers to one time one dog ran into one lady.
It’s all just a particularly silly salvo in the war between the people who like to make fun of the Mets and the people who like to make fun of those people.
In its ruling, the court strongly endorsed decades of research demonstrating that traditional eyewitness identification procedures are flawed and can send innocent people to prison. By making it easier for defendants to challenge witness evidence in criminal cases, the court for the first time attached consequences for investigators who fail to take steps to reduce the subtle pressures and influences on witnesses that can result in mistaken identifications.…
The idea that human memory is frail and suggestible has gradually gained acceptance among leaders in law enforcement, buttressed by more than 2,000 scientific studies demonstrating problems with witness accounts and the DNA exonerations of at least 190 people whose wrongful convictions involved mistaken identifications. About 75,000 witness identifications take place each year, and studies suggest that about a third are incorrect.
– Erica Goode and John Schwartz, N.Y. Times.
Tedquarters 