Well here’s something weird

After a harried day in the office, meal planning may be the last thing on your mind. It might be evident on your face, though.

That’s the premise behind an interactive technology Kraft and Intel recently introduced called the “Meal Planning Solution.” The kiosk-like display, which is likely to show up in at least one retail location this year, is meant to help weary shoppers find new recipes during last-minute grocery trips.

Forget filling out a profile of favorite recipes and ingredients, though — this bad boy scans your face to figure out what you may be interested in cooking.

Erica Swallow, Mashable.

Just wanna make something clear: We’re basically talking about phrenology here, right? I mean, there’s no conceivable way a scan of my face could actually know what I like to eat. Unless — and I really hope this is the case — it just goes based on how fat you are. So like a skinny person goes up to the kiosk and it spits out the recipe for a salad and I go up there and it’s all, “Bacon and Butter Souffle.” Mmm…

Also, is it only going to tell you to eat Kraft products? I know that a good 92% of food in any grocery store is produced by Kraft anyway, but is it just going to keep telling everyone that the science of facial imaging suggests they want mac and cheese? And if so, is that really a bad thing?

And furthermore, oddly creepy. What do you want with a scan of my face, Kraft?

Via Jorge.

The forthcoming Jose Reyes decision

A bunch of people have asked me, via a bunch of different media, what I think the Mets should do about the forthcoming Jose Reyes decision. Reyes, as you know, is slated to be a free agent after this season. Now Jon Heyman has tweeted that the Mets will let him play the full season to prove he’s healthy before they extend him another contract.

This is a tough call. If Reyes stays healthy for the full the season and plays as he is capable of — as he did from 2006-2008 — he’ll have little motivation to rejoin the Mets beyond what he always says (and what most players always say) about loving the organization and the city and everything else. And if all that happens, he can count on a massive payday.

If the Mets work to extend Reyes before he demonstrates he can stay on the field and be productive, they risk paying him big money to stay on the disabled list or put up the underwhelming numbers he did in 2010.

Sandy Alderson has said that “stolen bases are a footnote” to winning baseball, a quote many construed to mean Reyes is a goner after the season. But even if Reyes stole no bases at all from 2006-2008, he would still rank among the premier shortstops in the Majors. In fact, since 2006, Reyes has been third among all shortstops in OPS, behind only Derek Jeter and Hanley Ramirez. And he does steal bases at a high enough clip to make them worthwhile, so, you know gravy.

Many will — and have — argued that Reyes’ value is in his legs and so signing him to a multi-year extension could be foolish, as he will inevitably slow down over time. I think that undercuts the man a bit. There’s plenty of value in his bat and his glove too. Both of those, of course, require his legs (his slugging percentage is at least partly inflated by his ability to take extra bases) but certainly not the way stolen bases do.

It has long been supposed that Reyes, who is deceptively broad-shouldered, will develop more power in time. Only he’s 27 now, and it hasn’t happened yet. It’s worth noting, too, a tidbit Rob Neyer passed along today: While players hit their offensive peaks in their late 20s, they hit their defensive peaks from 22-25. Reyes may never again be the elite defensive player he was when he came up.

So what to do? We — I — like Reyes; he is a homegrown and enormously talented young player. If he succeeds in 2011 and the Mets re-sign him, the deal may be so expensive as to prove costly down the road. But if they determine he is not worth the massive salary he is likely to command (the Yankees, recall, may be looking for a shortstop soon enough), they will be accused of penny-pinching and small-market Sandying and everything else.

There’s no obvious answer, but to me the best solution seems like exactly the opposite of what Heyman says the Mets are doing. If the team determines early in the season that Reyes is again capable of getting on base at a 35-percent clip, it can work to lock him up long enough before he hits the open market to maintain some part of the discount afforded by his last two underwhelming seasons. There’s more risk that way, of course (he could get injured or revert to being a leadoff hitter with a .321 OBP).

But then that supposes that Alderson and Reyes’ agents are willing to negotiate in the season. So really I’ve got nothing. No easy answer. My bad.

Twitter Q&A-style product

Maybe going to the well too often with this feature, but here we go again:

People ask me some form of this question a lot. Usually it’s just Chipotle vs. Taco Bell. Here’s my thing: Do I have to pick one?

As far as I’m concerned, Chipotle, Baja Fresh and Qdoba are one thing and Taco Bell is a totally different thing. Taco Bell is faster, cheaper, and fast-foodier. Taco Bell falls in the same category, I think, as regional taco chains like Taco John’s, Del Taco and Taco Time, none of which hold a candle to Taco Bell. Taco Time, in particular, sucks. Del Taco is OK but most of its allure is in its lack of East Coast availability.

Like Taco Bell, Chipotle is also awesome. I find it consistently better than QDoba and Baja Fresh though I’ll admit that my exposure to the latter is limited. Also, one time I filmed a short movie I never actually edited in a Chipotle in Virginia, and the people were totally cool about us setting up a tripod in there and such. The movie was to be called, “Burrito, Interrupted.”

No, not unless Jason Statham’s career takes a big left turn somewhere. I saw The Mechanic the other day. It wasn’t his best. I feel like — and this I honestly believe, I’m not just saying it because he’s an awesome ass-kicking machine — Statham is better than a lot of his movies at this point. The writing in The Mechanic was so awful, predictable and wooden that it almost felt like Statham was being sarcastic half the time. And while some of the sequences were reasonably awesome, there was never that edge-of-your-seat celebration of motion and explosion and the human capacity to process rapid-fire images that I’ve come to associate with great contemporary action movies, so the whole thing was a bit of a letdown.

I’ve said this before, but I think Jason Statham should play Bond. I know he’s not quite as polished as the traditional tuxedo’d Roger Moore Bond guy but there’s got to be a reason the newer Bond movies all suck, and I suspect it has something to do with the producers being slow to grasp the reality of the modern badass action hero. Now for your brother:

Yup, I even applied. I had no clips and had never produced anything scripted besides my sketch comedy show in college, so I cranked out 50 pages’ worth of screenplay a couple days before I had to send in the application. It sucked and I didn’t get in. I’d like very much to write a sitcom someday, but that’s not an easy field to break into.You know what? This might be heresy but I don’t think either of them has particularly great hair. Please don’t tell them I said this, but Polamalu’s is a frizzy mop and Matthews’ is a stringy mess. I don’t understand why long and unkempt is equated with good. You can’t just grow out any old head of hair and expect people to revere it. Now Mark Sanchez, that’s good hair. Laurence Maroney has good hair too. But obviously Joe Namath is the standard-bearer for NFL hair.

Fun fact: I had longish hair coming out the back of my football helmet as a sophomore in high school. Not like Clay Matthews long, just like, I don’t know, Jeremy Shockey long. I looked like an idiot.

I’ve actually tackled this before. The caveat is that I’d have to be an awesome hitter and/or reliever, or else the songs don’t sound nearly as cool. But my walk-up music would be the section starting at the 1:25 mark in Ozomatli’s Super Bowl Sundae, and my closer music would be Dr. Dre’s Keep Their Heads Ringin (lyrics NSFW), though I’d obviously have to use a radio edit. But I will say I also think the Ave Maria would be a particularly badass choice for a completely dominant fireball closer, because I think it’d be completely terrifying to hear such a beautiful song being pumped through the stadium P.A. while a guy threw 98-mph warmup tosses, sounding the death knell for your chances of winning.

From the Wikipedia: Maceo Parker

At Madison Square Garden a couple weeks ago, Prince pulled a beautiful young woman up on stage and serenaded her with “I Love U But I Don’t Trust U Anymore.” The song featured an alto saxophone solo by Maceo Parker, throughout which Prince kept asking the woman if she knew who the saxophonist was, and she kept nodding as if she did even though it was clear from her eyes that she didn’t.

It turns out the woman was Leighton Meester, from the Matt Cerrone-favorite show Gossip Girl, which I have never seen. Anyway, I really hate it when people find out you’ve never heard of something and then act incredulous and make you feel stupid. That’s not what Prince did, but it’s something that comes up all the time, especially in music.

You’ll be talking to someone and they’ll be like, “You’ve never heard of HAWKWIND!? How can you even call yourself a music fan you poser!” Well, sorry but I haven’t. I’m confident in my base of knowledge, and I’m sure there are plenty of bands I’ve heard of that you haven’t. For example, I had no idea who Leighton Meester was, which might surprise and for some reason bother fans of contemporary pop culture and the show Gossip Girl, but I did very much know who Maceo Parker was. And I think sharing knowledge is more productive than mocking someone for lacking it, so this is for Ms. Meester and anyone else who doesn’t know about Maceo, because you should.

From the Wikipedia: Maceo Parker.

Maceo Parker is a funk saxophonist. Nay, Maceo Parker is the funk saxophonist. His Wikipedia page says he plays the tenor and bari saxes, but he is mostly associated with the alto sax. He grew up in North Carolina playing in church, and got his big break when James Brown recruited Parker’s brother Melvin to play drums in his touring band. Brown agreed to take on Maceo as well, beginning a rocky association that lasted a quarter of a century.

Maceo would ultimately serve as Brown’s band leader in some of his most popular bands. He played the classic sax line on the recorded version of “I Got You (I Feel Good).” Like many of Brown’s recruits, he left the band multiple times over disagreements with the notoriously rigid Brown. He played in multiple iterations of Parliament-Funkadelic and on numerous projects with funk heroes (and fellow former James Brown bandmembers) trombonist Fred Wesley and bassist Bootsy Collins.

There isn’t much about Parker on his Wikipedia page that’s not about music, and that seems reasonable because he probably doesn’t have much time to do anything else. According to the page, he has played as a sideman on 88 albums since 1964 and recorded 15 of his own. His resume includes gigs with the Brown, P-Funk, the Red Hot Chili Peppers, Living Colour, De La Soul, the Dave Matthews Band, Prince, 10,000 Maniacs, Color Me Badd and Keith Richards.

During the Prince concert, Prince would just occasionally call out for Maceo and Maceo would just walk on from offstage and rip into a sax solo. This is notable because I’ve seen this happen in multiple shows with multiple bands in various venues. I think Maceo Parker might just sort of show up places with his saxophone then stand offstage and assume people will call him on to jam, which they should because he’s awesome.

Plaxico Burress: Do it

The Giants’ official, on-the-record position on Burress, as spoken through Reese, has never changed from the moment he was sent away to prison. They simply won’t publicly rule out a possible return. That doesn’t mean that they’re readying for his return or that’s the reason why they’ve yet to give out his old No. 17. Reese doesn’t rule anything out. He investigates everything. And he’d be crazy to rule out any player, not knowing what the future holds.

However, if you are for some reason holding out hope for a Burress return next season — if there is a next season — there are some other factors to consider. The biggest one may be that Giants officials, off the record, are much more leery of Burress II than Reese’s public stance would indicate. It’s not that they’re against second chances or feel that he’s somehow irredeemable. It’s about a host of other factors, including these:

Ralph Vacchiano, N.Y. Daily News.

Vacchiano lists the reasons the Giants won’t and probably shouldn’t re-sign Plaxico Burress once he’s out of jail. They include: He’s old, he’s a distraction, he violated a bunch of team rules even before he shot himself, and they’re happy with their crew of young receivers.

That all seems to make sense. But I can see none of those things precluding the Jets from pursuing Burress this offseason, assuming the lockout eventually ends and any team ever pursues any player this offseason. Under Rex Ryan and Mike Tannenbaum, the Jets have frequently looked to find value from aging stars on short-term deals late in their careers.

Plus, they’ve welcomed players labeled distractions or reputed to have “character” issues — Braylon Edwards, Santonio Holmes, Antonio Cromartie, Joe McKnight — and mostly met with success.

Assuming the Jets will not have the funds to return both Edwards and Holmes, Burress might make a nice, big, inexpensive target for Mark Sanchez in the 2011 season. So I say do it.

Sorting something out

Indulge me for a moment while I sort something out:

This site has never strived for objectivity. I don’t believe any such thing exists, for one, plus this is inherently an opinion-based blog, not a news outlet. My primary goal is clarity, both in my thought and in my writing (I often fail to achieve both, but that’s besides the point).

So I am trying to elucidate why, when I read this story in the Times this morning, my initial, visceral response was a pang of concern.

I have mixed feelings, as I suppose many Mets fans do, about the team’s ownership situation. Obviously I would prefer my favorite team not be riddled with debt, and I realize that there are prospective buyers out there whose involvement, both as part- or full-owners, will benefit the team in the long term (and some who could hurt it, too).

But I know I would prefer that this network not change hands. (And I should note that I have never met Fred or Jeff Wilpon outside of public forums. I don’t know what or how much involvement they have with people up the chain from me at SNY, as I am not privy to those details.)

I like my job. It puts a roof over my head and bacon on my table, for one, and it provides health insurance that I need very desperately. It affords me the opportunity to do all sorts of awesome things, many of them involving my favorite sport and my favorite team. No outlet before this one gave me the chance to write or opine in any quasi-professional setting.

And perhaps most importantly, no one has ever told me what to write about or what not to write about. No one tells me not to rip the Mets or their management, and no one tells me not to review sandwiches.

That’s something I value very much, and I fear that if this network changed hands, I could lose that freedom. And I honestly don’t know what I’d do if I did. So it is probably impossible for me to weigh in on the inclusion of SNY in any sale of the Mets without letting my massive — and, as far as I’m concerned, wholly justifiable — biases get in the way.

I will continue linking relevant news items and adding my two cents where appropriate.

There is power in union

Great read. This is why NFL players get crushed in every negotiating session. Because of this twisted mindset that leads players with no facts to question another player’s toughness. Because they think this guy who can’t walk to risk his career/livelihood to live up to some macho standard.

Goodell must have loved reading those tweets. This is the group that’s going to stay together when it comes to missing paychecks?

– Non-banned-Ryan, comments section.

This is an excellent observation, and one I didn’t consider when linking the Cutler piece to which Ryan responded. Antonio Cromartie’s Tweets from last week only amplify the point.

What is it about the NFL that fosters such a self-destructive culture? The NFL players should have some obvious negotiating leverage in the upcoming collective-bargaining talks: They’re the ones with the size, the strength, the absurd athleticism, and the elite talent upon which the league has become a multi-billion-dollar industry.

And yet you just know that as soon as the owners and players start discussing the terms of an 18-game season, one group of players will (rightfully) point out how much more danger the extra games present to the players and argue that they should be handsomely remunerated for it, and another group will Tweet things like: “u cant handle 2 more games ur a pansy bro.” Even all the current whispers from players about not wanting to miss games can’t help.

The owners are going to lock out the players because they want to profit more. The players need to show some solidarity, put aside the bravado and demand that if they are going to be asked to play more games they get more money, more guaranteed money and better long-term health benefits in return.

Mystery of the bodega Casanova

A Brooklyn nun from a fringe Christian sect has confessed to an unholy lie: telling cops she was sexually attacked and left unconscious in a snowbank, sources said Monday.

After a police search for a hulking black man was launched, the 26-year-old white woman from the Apostles of Infinite Love convent in East Flatbush recanted, the sources said.

She told cops she made up the story in an attempt to cover up a consensual sex romp with a bodega worker inside the Glenwood Ave. residence.

Allison Gendar and James Fanelli, N.Y. Daily News.

Talk about burying the lead. This whole story is about the nun and how she lied to cops and how she might be part of a religious cult. But there’s absolutely nothing about the bodega employee with whom she enjoyed the “consexual sex romp.”

First of all, I worked in a deli for three years and this never happened. I even did catering set ups and deliveries while I was there, and not once did it lead to anything even remotely resembling a romp with a nun (or anyone else for that matter). Who is this bodega stud? He bedded a nun and possibly infiltrated a cult. I would like to buy a sandwich from this man, so I’d appreciate it if the Daily News could provide a little more detail.

And furthermore, by Joe Strummer’s logic, this man will later join the church in question.

Maybe it’s time to stop talking about the Johan Santana trade like it was a total steal

Look: Johan Santana is an awesome pitcher. I love watching Johan Santana pitch. I have thoroughly enjoyed all 600 innings — even the bad ones — he has thrown in a Mets uniform.

But every time someone pens a lamentation for the Omar Minaya Era, it is qualified with an aside about Minaya’s obtaining Santana for “pennies on the dollar,” or something to that effect. (Jonah Keri’s otherwise strong writeup of the Mets’ ownership situation at Fangraphs is only the most recent example.) And I can’t see how that’s really the case.

The four young players the Mets traded for Johan Santana have not amounted to much, and may never.

But the Mets didn’t exactly trade four young players for Santana; the Mets traded four young players for the exclusive right to sign Santana to a market-rate contract. Santana was the best pitcher in the game when he was acquired, so that contract cost the Mets a lot of money.

To date, they’ve paid him $60 million. Fangraphs estimates he has been worth a little over $47 million in that time, but whatever. You pay a premium for top talent. Let’s say he has been worth it for these first three years.

On Opening Day of 2011, Santana will be 32 years old and on the disabled list recovering from shoulder surgery. And the Mets will owe him $77.5 million over the next three seasons. $77.5 million, with no guarantee he’ll ever be anything like the pitcher that dominated the National League in 2008. Will the exclusive right to give him that contract back in 2008 still seem so valuable by 2012? 2013?

And you can say: Oh but how could anyone have predicted an arm injury? Pretty easily, actually: He’s a pitcher. Pitchers get hurt, like, constantly. That’s why massive deals for free-agent pitchers tend to be bad ideas.

So while Santana has given the Mets more than the combined value of the four players they traded to the Twins, he is at this point unlikely to provide them anything like a full return on the resources they’ve invested in him. The deal seemed necessary at the time, with the Mets desperate for starting pitching and coming off the 2007 collapse, so this is not to say Minaya shouldn’t have executed it in the first place. But it’s probably time to stop talking about it like it was a total steal, since Santana’s contract seems likely to prove an albatross moving forward.

Twitter Q&A-type thing

These are slow times. This is something akin to a Twitter Q&A:

It hasn’t. This might disappoint some people, but on most workdays I bring a sandwich from home. It’s a good way to save money and not die. Today my wife made it for me. It was pepper ham and turkey with provolone cheese and Boar’s Head Pepperhouse Gourmaise on whole-wheat bread. Not bad.

But the blizzard in late December did prevent me from eating many good sandwiches. I was all set for a short jaunt to New Orleans — our nation’s premier sandwich destination — but the snow came and canceled my flight. That sucked, but it’s sort of awesome that every once in a while Mother Nature comes around to remind everyone who’s in charge here. “Oh, you think you’re going to fly 1000 miles in a few hours? I disagree. Enjoy shoveling, sucker.”

And, honestly at this point, f@#$ snow. So hard. I can hardly remember the times I used to think snow was fun and cool and beautiful. I do remember one time during a snowstorm in Brooklyn, I was walking back to Prospect Heights from Park Slope at night and I decided to cut through the park. The reflection of the moon off the snow combined with the lights along the path to make the whole park glow, and the snow was as-yet unadulterated by footprints. It was Thomas Kincade idyllic.

But when you live in the suburbs and it snows you have a car you need to shovel out and you don’t have a super, so snow is just a huge pain in the ass. And it just keeps snowing. Shoveling is part of my morning routine now. It’s terrible. Is it snowing now? I haven’t been outside since 9 a.m.

This is beyond the scope of my lack of expertise, but here’s the thing: Keeping him off the mound in 2011 in no way assures he’ll be healthy in 2012. Shoulder injuries are bad news, worse than elbow injuries. See Chien-Ming Wang and Mark Prior and Brandon Webb and Kelvim Escobar for details. I don’t know the extent of Santana’s injury and surgery and I’m obviously not a doctor, but it sounded like what he was having done was a pretty big procedure.

I hate to be doom-and-gloom about this one, but I’d be pleasantly surprised if Santana is actually back in the Mets’ rotation by the All-Star Break. I know that’s the target and I don’t think anyone is lying, but it just seems like the road back from major shoulder injury is a long and often rocky one. And, to Patrick’s question, I’m not even sure that giving Santana a year to rest and recover would be the best way to ensure his success in 2012. To get back to full strength, he’s going to need to pitch at some point. If and when he’s healthy, I’m not sure there’s any good reason to hold him back.

Seriously! I don’t see what was wrong with plain old white Formica. I have a faux-granite countertop at home now, and to me it always makes it seem like the counters are dirty, even when they’re clean. In past apartments, before I lived with a woman, if there were lots of little specks on my counter it meant it was time to straighten up. Now, it’s just like that, even when it’s clean.

One time the lead singer of our old band booked a show through Craigslist. The gig was at 1 a.m. in a bar in North Bellmore called Jesse’s and we were playing after a band called Defective Skrew. Earlier in the day I drove around the area and couldn’t find the place. I became concerned that this other band just wanted to take us into a dark alley and steal our instruments and clothes and maybe our innocence. I thought maybe that’s what the “Defective Skrew” was.

It turned out the bar was for real, though, and a total dive. This is almost counterintuitive, but you know a place is really, really sketchy if it’s extremely well lit. This place had like middle-school style overhead fluorescent lights that stayed on the whole night, and we didn’t play until around 2. It was actually a decent-sized crowd, and a small fight broke out during our set, perhaps because North Bellmore was just rocked way too hard for its own good.

After the show, while we were loading up our cars, one of the guys from the fight who had been kicked out started talking to us, and someone made the mistake of asking him about the fight. He started demonstrating exactly how it all went down, using us as stand-ins for the people he fought, but he was so drunk that it wasn’t clear if he could distinguish us from the dudes he was actually angry at. At some point he broke and brandished a beer bottle, Outsiders-style. It was terrifying.

All my other Craigslist interactions have been relatively mild. Usually they have been to buy tickets to concerts, or to sell or exchange them if I have tickets to a concert I can’t attend.

Also, though the story is tragic and awful, it’s funny to me that the press associates the recent serial killer activity on Long Island with Craigslist. The guy killed prostitutes, as serial killers often do. Prostitutes advertise on the Internet. He’s not an Internet villain, he’s a straight-up villain. The Internet is just, at this point, the easiest place for a psychopath to find victims.

The pound or number sign — # — is also called the “Octothorpe” in phone-industry insider talk. There are many different claims as to the word’s origin but at least one says it was named for Jim Thorpe. It would also make a sweet band name.