So who’s gonna be the Mets’ closer next year?

Hothead fireballer K-Rod once beat his girlfriend so badly she had to be hospitalized, a Queens prosecutor said Wednesday.

The chilling assault was revealed in court as Assistant District Attorney Scott Kessler painted Mets closer Francisco Rodriguez as a manipulative bully who flouts the law.

New York Daily News.

Ugh. Just, ugh.

Though there were rumblings of similar violence earlier in Rodriguez’s recent saga — I believe from an Adam Rubin report I cannot find now — I’ll take this news with at least a tiny grain of salt because it comes straight from the prosecutor in the case, with no word at all from K-Rod’s side.

This site has never been the place for sweeping value judgments and that’s not about to change now, but the thought of domestic violence turns my stomach.

That said — and this is not to excuse the behavior, at all — I’m reminded of a story Peter Botte wrote on Mother’s Day a couple years ago about how Rodriguez hasn’t talked to his parents in 15 years and was separated from half his siblings in infancy. I don’t know Francisco Rodriguez even a little, but there’s a whole lot of evidence suggesting he’s a deeply messed-up dude.

Again, he’s got the resources to get help and by no means should be taking out his issues on his girlfriend and the mother of his children. But it’s too easy to dismiss someone as “evil,” and I think pure evil is something that only exists in action movies. I’d guess that in reality, when you peel back enough layers, you generally just find a whole lot of sadness and desperation.

So there’s that. Shifting tones, the news inarguably lessens the already slim-seeming chances that K-Rod will be closing games for the Mets in 2011. He might be in jail, for one thing. But even if he isn’t, it sure seems like the team won’t want the P.R. hit of breaking camp with the ninth inning assigned to a wife-beater who raises hell in the family room.

How they go about getting rid of him remains to be seen. Same goes for how they replace him.

While de facto closer Hisanori Takahashi has said he kind of likes it here, he has an out clause in his contract and maintains that he would prefer to start.

Takahashi’s peripherals in his starts suggest he might be a bit better than his 5.01 ERA, but he’s a short 35-year-old with the stigma — regardless of if it is more true for him than other pitchers — that his stuff is more effective in relief.

Should he not find an opportunity to compete for some team’s rotation, he seems like a decent and likely reasonably priced option to close out games. Though his arsenal doesn’t profile like that of a traditional closer, Takahashi has struck out 53 batters in 51 innings and pitched to a 2.29 ERA in relief in 2010.

Many Mets fans decried Jerry Manuel’s unwillingness to use the recently shut-down Bobby Parnell as closer. Parnell, after all, throws fastballs about a billion miles an hour. And to his credit, he did it much more effectively this season than last, posting a higher strikeout rate and a lower walk rate and yielding only one home run in his big-league stint.

Just throwing really hard does not a great closer make, but Parnell’s marked improvement in 2010 bodes well for his future and he appears a viable candidate to close out games in 2011.

But that’s probably it for reasonable internal options. Former Nats closer Chad Cordero pitched decently over 16 innings at Buffalo and a guy named Manuel Alvarez dominated High-A and Double-A hitters over 72 2/3 innings, but both seem like mega-longshots.

The worst move, I think, would be to go out and spend a ton in terms of money or prospects on a name-brand closer. If the Mets are going to have limited resources to throw around this offseason, it would seem a big mistake to allocate any big portion of them toward a widely overvalued position best filled from within.

Jersey Shore stuff

Bring up Jersey Shore in a discussion and even some of the most devoted reality TV fans will distance themselves from it, as if it were the Ebola virus or Lindsey Lohan’s undergarments after a night on the town. MTV’s megahit show has become the emblem of “trashiness,” the symbol of a generation gone wrong, of humanity on the decline, of innocence subjected to a libido-charged desecration, of a station stooping to new lows in a ratings-first, quality-second, network-eat-network world.

How wrong they are.

People are surprised when I count myself proudly among the millions who watch every week, sometimes more than once, with eagerness and after-the-fact satiation. For all its vehement detractors, Jersey Shore absolutely crushed its competition, dominating the summer programming war by grenades and landmines. GTL, IFF, DTF* have all become a part of modern vernacular, just as all eight characters have far exceeded their 15 minutes of fame, with no sign of slowing down.

Adam Spunberg, AwardsPicks.com.

Good piece by SNY.tv’s own Spunberg defending the MTV’s oft-deemed-indefensible hit program. I’ve seen all of three episodes of the show but I’ll back him up a bit.

I disagree in part with the crux of his argument — I don’t know that any “reality” TV is genuine because I think there’s some artifice constructed a) whenever anyone’s conscious of a camera and b) by the production company picking the cast, since presumably each member of the Jersey Shore crew was the most ridiculous member of his or her previous social clique, the one whose antics inspired all the eye-rolling from everyone else in the club in Staten Island or Franklin Square or wherever. Selection bias.

But where Adam’s spot-on, I think, is in the argument that Jersey Shore is not corroding our culture or corrupting our youth or anything like that. Maybe I’m naive or pathetically optimistic, but I just don’t think anyone watches the show as an instruction manual for how to behave.

It’s a clown show. No one takes it seriously, perhaps not even the subjects. They’re busy hamming it up to earn big money to DJ at bar mitzvahs, to appear at nightclubs, to Dance with the Stars. The Kansas City Star reported that The Situation will rake in $5 million dollars this year.

And that, well, I mean, yikes. But it is what it is. If you object to the show so thoroughly, don’t watch it and stop talking about it, and it’ll go away.

Or you can just yield to the notion that people have been getting paid and watched and chastised for silly and destructive behavior since time immemorial.

Plus Snooki’s got her priorities straight:

An in-depth analysis of Mike Pelfrey that doesn’t even include one thing about how crazy he is

Mike Pelfrey has been a confusing pitcher to watch this year. At the all star break, he looked terrific and many Met Fans felt he was snubbed for a spot on the All-Star team. Then he hit a rough patch (well, he hit the rough patch a few starts before the all-star break, but you get the point). Then he seemed to get a few good starts here and there. But all in all, he has not panned out as we thought he would after a great April and May. Pelfrey’s xFIP (a measure of the actual skill-level of his performance) for each month has been in order: 4.29, 3.85, 4.15, 5.81, 4.67, and 5.12. You should note that the first 3 of those xFIPs are pretty good, while the last three are mediocre to just plain bad.

Making matters more interesting, Pelfrey’s pitch repertoire has changed this year: He added a split-finger fastball in a move that seemed to provide dramatic success in the early season. He also has maintained his slider and curveball from last season and has two fastballs (a four-seam and two-seam fastball) to go along with this new split-finger fastball. Which of these pitches is responsible for his erratic performance this year? Is his poor performance from July onwards the result of him doing something different? Or simply pitches not being as effective as they were earlier?

garik16, Amazin’ Avenue

Garik16 does an excellent job here breaking down a ton of pitchFX data that might look overwhelming to sabermetricians lost in the early days of DIPS. I urge you to check it out and read the text, even if the graphics appear a bit scary.

The long and short of it: Pelfrey’s split-finger didn’t fool nearly as many hitters in July, August and September as it did in April, May and June, which probably shouldn’t be too big a surprise. But it’s cool to see it quantified.

Pelfrey’s 2010 peripherals will ultimately look a lot like they did in 2008 and 2009. He’ll finish with around 5 K/9 and 3 BB/9, nothing special, and a groundball rate just shy of 50 percent. His ERA is back down around where it was in 2008, when everyone was heralding the coming of a new ace, and his win total is up to a new career high, but even with the new pitch he has remained consistently unspectacular.

I think a lot of Mets fans still hope for more from Pelfrey because he was such a high draft pick and so highly touted coming through the system, but three seasons of league-average production is nothing to sneeze at from any young pitcher, and really as much as anyone could reasonably hope for from a pitching prospect.

And I think what gets missed a lot when discussing Pelfrey’s value — and a lot of similar pitchers, for that matter — is that he has been healthy and able to make 30+ starts in each of the past three seasons. Even if most of the starts are hardly dominant, just finding guys who can be relied on to provide 200 league-average innings every year is no easy task.

Barring unforeseen circumstances, the world’s best defense or a massive run of good luck, Pelfrey is unlikely to pitch like an ace for any great length of time anytime soon, or, probably, anytime ever. But that he has thus far proven durable and is under team control through arbitration for the next three seasons means he’s a valuable guy to have around as long as we can stomach the incessant speculation about his mental health.

For shame

If you miss the baseball playoffs, catch the Times Square shuttle the next day instead.

In an advertising first for the Metropolitan Transportation Authority, TBS is paying to air video clips from its Major League Baseball broadcasts in shuttle train cars….

Other straphangers said they’d tune the clips out.

“I’m not interested in baseball, so it doesn’t really mean anything to me,” Linda Stephens, 57, of Jamaica, Queens, said. “I just hope they don’t take this too far and bombard commuters with more advertisements.”

Phil Corso and Pete Donohue, N.Y. Daily News.

You know, usually I think people should be entitled to their opinions even if I disagree with them, even if I think they’re wrong, even if they’re patently absurd. But if you’re not interested in baseball I’ve really just got no time for you at all.

And you, Linda Stephens, 57, of Jamaica, Queens, you’re just embarrassing yourself. Here’s a good idea, a way for the MTA to help keep fares low and provide straphangers with entertainment, and you’re poo-pooing it? For shame. For shame.

Also, who decries subway advertisements? I mean, I’ve never even considered complaining about that before, and I complain about lots of stuff. Do people really yearn for the halcyon days when subway cars had no ads? I always find them a reasonable last-ditch option for something to stare at on the subway if I don’t have anything to read, plus sometimes they actually inform me of stuff I might not have been aware of otherwise, like The Tudors or the existence of Miss Subways.

Thanks, Dr. Zizmor!

Score one for the sportswriters

Pretty exciting stuff on Jeopardy! the last couple of days. A dude named Roger Craig — but not the old Niners runningback — got his career off to a blazing start by breaking Ken Jennings’ single-day earnings record in his second show ever and averaging something like $40,000 in winnings over his first five efforts.

But Craig, a computer science grad student, suffered an ignominious defeat yesterday at the hands of — of all people! — an Internet sportswriter and humorist named Jelisa Castrodale.

Castrodale played the game like someone who follows sports, obviously recognizing Craig’s dominance and seizing every time she had control of the board to go fishing for Daily Doubles, instead of just pathetically starting at the top of categories like novice players often do.

She found a few and fared well on them, enough to come pretty close to Craig in time for Final Jeopardy!

The third contestant, a police officer from Arlington, Va., was obviously thrown after he correctly answered a question about a doughnut pillow and Alex Trebek made a quip about the cop knowing all about doughnuts. Really just goes to show that you can study all you want for your Jeopardy! appearance, but the big wild card you can never prepare for is Trebek saying some f@#$ed-up s@#! that gets in your head and breaks your concentration. That dude was a complete non-factor for the rest of the match.

Anyway, Castrodale trailed Craig by only a couple thousand dollars when the Final Jeopardy! category was revealed: “SPORTS & THE MEDIA”

I instantly thought of ‘Duk’s question from February, and how hilarious and awesome it must have seemed for Castrodale, a sportswriter, to be faced with the category.

The answer was, as any sports-loving Jeopardy! fan could have predicted, shockingly easy: Something along the lines of, “On Feb. 8, 2010, a major newspaper in this American city ran a headline saying, ‘Amen. After 43 years, our prayers have been answered.'”

Hmm… what major sporting event happens in early February? What team won that sporting event in 2010? And hell, if you’re looking for an extra clue, which cities’ papers would employ such overt religious language?

Yet only Castrodale wrote New Orleans. The cop said Miami and Craig said Chicago.

So score one for the sportswriters.

I will continue my efforts to get myself on Jeopardy! someday, and continue cursing fate for not putting me on the show in which there were categories on Cy Young Award Winners and sandwiches. WHY?

Oh, finally: Castrodale is on Twitter under the handle @gordonshumway, which, if you’ll recall was ALF’s real name on Melmac.

I only see one LeBaron, Freddy

I just got an email saying that SNY.tv has been approved for one credential to the Vendy Awards on Saturday.

I’m going to go ahead and assume that means me, so, you know, woohoo!

Unless it turns out someone else in this outlet applied and I’m getting muscled out of the Vendys by Gary Apple, in which case there’ll be hell to pay.

But since I doubt that’s the case, look out for reports from the Vendys at some point this weekend or early next week, depending on the Internet situation on Governor’s Island. Also, if anyone can fill me in on how the hell I get to Governor’s Island, that’d be sweet.

Why do we like spicy food?

But he has evidence for what he calls benign masochism. For example, he tested chili eaters by gradually increasing the pain, or, as the pros call it, the pungency, of the food, right up to the point at which the subjects said they just could not go further. When asked after the test what level of heat they liked the best, they chose the highest level they could stand, “just below the level of unbearable pain.” As Delbert McClinton sings (about a different line of research), “It felt so good to hurt so bad.”…

Other mammals have not joined the party. “There is not a single animal that likes hot pepper,” Dr. Rozin said. Or as Paul Bloom, a Yale psychologist, puts it, “Philosophers have often looked for the defining feature of humans — language, rationality, culture and so on. I’d stick with this: Man is the only animal that likes Tabasco sauce.”

James Gorman, N.Y. Times.

Good reading from the Times examining why some peppers are spicy and why we enjoy spicy foods. In short: It’s unclear, and apparently “because they’re good” is not an acceptable explanation.

I like spicy foods a lot myself, definitely toward the spicier end of the normal spectrum — spicy enough that if a food is too spicy for me I get all sanctimonious because food shouldn’t be that spicy and who the hell do you think you are, restaurant serving food I can’t handle?

But that said, I find that I especially like spicy foods seasoned with fresh peppers rather than hot sauce or cayenne powder or whatever. This is a relatively recent discovery made largely because of all the hot peppers I grew this summer — and it could be all in my head — but it seems like they bring a more balanced, flavorful heat rather than just pure burning.

For what it’s worth, one time in college I went to a lauded Buffalo wing place out in Virginia with my roommate Rich and his girlfriend. They had something called The Flatliner on the menu and a plaque on the wall celebrating the names of everyone who had ever managed to eat six. Plus you had to sign a waiver just to try one. Serious stuff.

Rich is a Navy man, ever eager to demonstrate his manhood, and I am innately competitive, so we both ordered a half-dozen Flatliners.

The waiter talked us out of it.

“Don’t even bother,” he said.

We tried to convince him that we could handle them, but he promised us we couldn’t and even said he’d buy the next six if we could finish off the first order between the two of us.

We took one bite each and couldn’t eat anything else we ordered. We wound up stretched out on the bench seats in the back of Rich’s minivan, shivering for the length of the half hour drive home.

Those wings were too spicy.

Also, fun fact about peppers: Anaheim peppers, bell peppers, cayenne peppers, jalapeno peppers and poblano peppers are all the same species, capsicum annuum. Just different breeds, kind of like dogs.

Hat tip to my wife for the link.

OMG Mark Sanchez!

Dawn Kotowski’s title is general manager of a Taco Bell, but last month she orchestrated one of the summer’s most successful bang-for-the-buck athlete endorsement campaigns.

Her restaurant is just a few minutes from the SUNY-Cortland campus in upstate New York where the Jets held training camp. Jets second-year quarterback Mark Sanchez frequently visited the restaurant for a chicken taco and chicken burrito, hold the tomatoes. Sanchez developed his fondness for Taco Bell growing up in Mission Viejo, Calif., minutes from the company’s headquarters.

David Broughton, Sports Business Journal.

Oh, Mark Sanchez, you magnificent bastard, what will you do next? Not only did he “frequently visit” the restaurant, but he also eschews the tomatoes at Taco Bell — just like I do!

Nevermind that Sanchez favors chicken items and I’m a ground-beef guy.

The SBJ article goes on to detail how Kotowski provided Sanchez the much-discussed Taco Bell hat seen on Hard Knocks hoping for just such exposure, racking up an estimated $68,000 worth of advertising for Taco Bell, and how she was recognized by the company for “thinking outside the bun.”

OMG OMG OMG OMG Mark Sanchez!

Also, the big takeaway here is that all you need to do to get a free Taco Bell hat is be a talented, handsome professional quarterback playing for the team being showcased on Hard Knocks. So I guess I’ll have to get to work on that.

Taco Bell hat! Mark Sanchez!

Massive hat tip to Mike Rudner for the link.

Manager stuff

So why, you might ask, don’t I care much about who the next manager of the Mets will be?

It isn’t because I think Jerry Manuel’s been an effective manager — I certainly don’t believe that. His penchant for bunting in ludicrous situations, either overusing or banishing relievers, and — his apparent going-away present — his refusal to make lineups that will best help the team get ready for 2011 are all infuriating.

But let’s face it: This Mets team wasn’t going to the playoffs, regardless of the manager. And without a comprehensive change in player evaluation — something accomplished above the manager’s pay grade — that will be true in 2011 and seasons to come.

Howard Megdal, SNY.tv.

Tons and tons of discussion about the Mets’ next manager lately, some of which Howard participates in later in this column. But the crux of this excerpt is right: It doesn’t really matter much who’s managing the team if the team isn’t operated better from the top.

Look: It’s best to have a field manager who doesn’t actively cost his team wins, and at times in 2010 it wasn’t clear that the Mets could boast that. And it’s not easy to manage Major League egos, balance the roster, maximize the arms in the bullpen, everything. All that stuff is hard, and there’s a reason fans of nearly every team in the Majors are certain their manager sucks.

But the manager pales in importance to general manager, and pales in importance to the players on the field, too. Sure, he is charged with getting the most out of them, with trying to motivate them to perform their best. But Major Leaguers must be pretty good at motivating themselves to make the Major Leagues.

Maybe a good manager provides some extra spark or squeezes a little bit of extra juice out of his players by instilling more confidence or using them in precisely the right situations to maximize their potential, I’ll grant that for sure. I’m not saying you can just shove any chump on the bench and all things will be equal.

I just don’t think any manager’s going to make a difference of much more than a couple of wins either way.

So to Mets fans freaking out over the few tidbits of Joe Torre nonsense like word came down that the four horseman are galloping through Flushing, I say two things: 1) It’s probably not that big of a deal if it does happen and 2) It’s probably not going to happen anyway.

The talk all along has been that the Mets are going to be reluctant to pony up the cash for Bobby Valentine, but they’re going to gladly fork it over to Joe Torre, a much less popular figure among their fanbase? I doubt it.