This’ll take about an hour

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Every so often — most recently in the interview with Matt at MetsToday — someone will ask me about my influences.

I struggle with it because I never know if I should just list writers I enjoy or try to determine the ones that have actually influenced my writing. Plus then I get self-conscious that people will judge whatever I say or think it’s pretentious.

But when I really think about it, there are a few specific things I can name that legitimately impacted the way I approach information, the way I make jokes, tell stories, even the way I form sentences. And it runs the gamut: literature, movies, television, song lyrics, conversations, whatever.

One of them this 1991 standup routine by Jake Johannsen. My brother taped it and introduced me to it a couple years after it originally aired. I’ve been looking for a DVD of it since I got a DVD player, and I found it on YouTube today. It’s an hour long but I recommend it if you’ve got time. It’s hilariously early 90s-ish, too:

Don’t go into that room

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The Yankees earned the nickname “The Bronx Zoo” with their brawling teams of the late seventies. But in 1990, outfielder Mel Hall gave the term a new twist.

“That was the year he was bringing exotic animals into the clubhouse—a cheetah or a panther,” recalled pitcher Dave LaPoint, who went 7-10 that season. “It’s weird when you come into the clubhouse and they say, ‘Don’t go into that room.’ “

“I think it was a tiger,” said Buck Showalter, then a young coach with the team.

– Sophia Hollander, Wall Street Journal.

Awesome read from Hollander about a very, very strange season for the Yankees.

I remember a lot of the details from that season. Not the tigers-in-the-clubhouse thing, but Pascual Perez showing up to camp late in an absurdly long stretch limo, Andy Hawkins’ 4-0 loss in a no-hitter, the manager firings, George Steinbrenner’s suspension and all that.

I was nine so I didn’t realize how weird it all was. When you’re young, you don’t have much perspective on strange events because you don’t have a big enough sample size of non-strange events for comparison. That’s pretty much how middle schools get away with it, I think. There was a small zoo in the basement of my middle school, and I never thought it was odd until I went back and subbed there and they were making plans to get rid of the alligator.

Anyway the big thing I remember about the Yankees in 1990 is that they sucked, and they had kinda sucked for a while. When I was coming into consciousness as a baseball fan, it seemed like the Mets were competitive every year and the Yankees were mostly an afterthought or a punchline.

And again, at the time I had no idea how strange it was.

Seems like things are going well for ol’ Harvey the alligator, FWIW.

(Apropos of nothing other than the middle-school zoo stuff: There were also two goats in the school courtyard as part of the same program. One time after football practice my friend set them loose. They roamed the halls all night and ate an entire art project that was hanging on the wall.)

More on Alex Cora’s departure

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I got so excited by the news of Alex Cora’s departure on Saturday that I didn’t spend a whole lot of time assessing the other roster moves involved. Eric Simon did a nice job of it here and I agree with mostly everything he wrote there: Fernando Martinez and Ruben Tejada likely aren’t ready to hit in the Majors, but if the Mets aren’t going to contend anyway I’d rather watch them than Luis Castillo and Jeff Francoeur.

One additional note: I’ve seen some bristling about Cora’s departure because Castillo is still with the Mets. And while I don’t doubt that the money the Mets owe their hobbled second baseman is keeping him on the team as much as any other factor, Castillo still has one baseball skill. He can’t play great defense or hit for any power, but he can get on base a bit.

If the Mets are committed to putting Tejada in their lineup, Castillo’s on-base ability makes him more valuable to the current club than Cora. Tejada offers the team defensive flexibility, so if the Mets are going to have one backup middle infielder they might as well choose the one that might actually avoid making an out if called upon to pinch-hit.

Yes, the Mets are probably only keeping Castillo around because of the $6 million left on his contract for 2011. And yes, they should have signed Felipe Lopez or Orlando Hudson on the cheap this offseason and cut bait on sunk costs. And yes, based on everything we’ve seen for the past year or so, it’s fair to guess that the Mets cut Cora more because of his looming vesting option than his inability to contribute anything tangible to a baseball team.

But all that said, if they were choosing between Castillo and Cora to back up Tejada and Reyes for the remainder of the season, the Mets made the right call.

Food truck stuff

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The show is called “The Great Food Truck Race.” Seven specialty food trucks — home-style Cajun, fine-dining French, pressed sandwiches, Vietnamese banh mis, crepes, hamburgers and banana pudding — will set off on a six-week road trip from Los Angeles to New York, stopping along the way to peddle their grub. The teams who sell the most food advance to the next town; the losers pack up their fryers and head home. As the celebrity chef Tyler Florence, who hosts the show, put it recently, “It’s like ‘Cannonball Run’ with food trucks.”

– Josh Eells, New York Times.

Not to burst your bubble, but if you read the rest of the article you find out it’s really not a whole lot like Cannonball Run with food trucks. I generally prefer the food shows that just display awesome food and tell you where to get it or how to make it over ones that involve reality-TV challenges. Plus it really seems like the banana-pudding truck faces an uphill battle against the hamburger truck.

But all that said, this sounds like a decent show. Because hey, food trucks.

I’m never much one for trends, but the food-truck one is something I can get behind. After all, I ate food from food trucks long before they came into vogue and I don’t plan on stopping after the wave breaks. There’s a big difference between a food-truck fad and a Silly-Bandz fad. One of them provides me delicious food for reasonable prices. I’m not entirely clear on what the other one does.

I have a lengthy history of eating food from mobile distributors.

Back when I worked in a soulcrushing temp position at Macys.com, there was a pizza truck that used to park outside and sell grandma-style slices. They were amazing, and it made that job ever so slightly more bearable.

Near the MLB.com offices in Chelsea, there was (probably still is) a taco truck that came at night to the corner of 14th and 8th. Real good, fresh Mexican food — an awesome treat during a late-night editing shift. Plus the truck had a big sign that said “Bienvenidos a tacos,” which translates to: “Welcome to Tacos.” Thanks buddy, but I’ve been here for years.

The best food truck near my current office is almost certainly the Jamaican Grand Duchy cart, which I don’t visit nearly enough.

The grease trucks at Rutgers prompted this site’s first sandwich writeup.

And I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention the stellar Mr. Softee, pretty much the O.G. food truck.

Finally, I enjoyed a chili dog at the Haven Brothers food truck in Providence last week. It’s basically an 18-wheeler that parks outside City Hall from dusk ’til dawn every night, and the trailer part of the truck is a tiny little diner with a kitchen, seats and everything. Cool place.

Any recommendations for food trucks? I’m all ears. Also, teeth and mouth and stomach. I’m all ears and appetite.

Condiment company challenges Amar’e Stoudemire to prove Judaism by eating horseradish for charity

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If Stoudemire doesn’t burst out crying in the grinding room or after eating a forkful of horseradish on a piece of matzoh and doesn’t fall backwards after smelling a gallon of horseradish placed right before his eyes, he’ll win the challenge.

“If Amar’e is really Jewish then there is only one way to prove it.”

The payoff?

“We’ll guarantee Amar’e a lifetime supply of Gold’s Horseradish (red, white or extra hot cream style) for him and his family,” Gold said.

Gold said he’ll also donate ten cases of Gold’s condiments, including its mustard products, to a charity or food bank of Stoudemire’s choice for every Knicks win for the next two seasons. And Gold says he’ll step it up for the playoffs, which the team hasn’t played in since the 2003-04 season.

– Darren Rovell, CNBC SportsBiz.

Oh man. Oh man, oh man, oh man. First of all, good luck with that, Amar’e. I could go either way on horseradish but I’ve never found it too difficult to palate. I imagine a gallon of it is pretty pungent though.

But hey, if you can handle it: FREE HORSERADISH FOR LIFE! I don’t even know if I want that after all those horseradish-related challenges. Plus I’m not certain I’ve ever even purchased horseradish. Of course, I’m not Jewish.

My favorite part of this, though, is that Gold’s is stepping up and donating mustard to the charity of Stoudemire’s choice. Because first off, it’s a condiment. It is by it’s nature extraneous — albeit delicious.

It’s not like they’re donating something with a ton of nutritional value that’s going to help food banks provide for more people. Just mustard, to make the people’s food a little tastier. Which is noble, don’t get me wrong. Just funny.

Also, it would be particularly funny if Stoudemire completed the challenge and chose a charity that was not a food bank, like the Sierra Club or one dedicated to cancer research. And I bet there are plenty of good people working at all those charities who would appreciate tons of mustard.

Sandwich of the Week: Not a sandwich

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Fun fact: Rhode Island has laws governing how jonnycakes are made. The state’s legislature commands that Rhode Island breakfast spots use a specific type of cornmeal and nothing else. No flour or cornstarch. Also, the law says that it’s jonnycakes, not johnnycakes.

I have no idea how Rhode Island enforces that. Do they use undercover food cops, or does a team of state troopers just come busting through a diner’s doors on a hot tip from a disgruntled employee? Also, I mean — I’m no fan of false advertising or anything — who cares? If I want to open a Rhode Island coffee shop and serve johnnycakes with a little bit of flour to thicken up the batter, they’ll probably still be delicious. Why should the state intervene?

Also, the state legislature named coffee milk the official state drink of Rhode Island. Apparently Rhode Island politicians have a lot of time on their hands.

The sandwich: Chow Mein Sandwich from Evelyn’s Drive-In in Tiverton, R.I.

The construction: An order of chow mein — the American-Chinese food dish with frizzly noodles and vegetables in some sort of soy goo — piled onto a hamburger bun, sort of.

Important background information: It is amazing to me that a state so fixated on culinary semantics should allow this thing to be sold as a “sandwich.” I don’t know for sure what constitutes a sandwich, but I know this is not one.

For these writeups and just in life, I use a very broad definition of the term “sandwich.” Since the verb “to sandwich” means to squeeze  between two things, you’d think a sandwich should necessarily have two starches bookending some sort of meat, cheese or vegetable.

But that discounts wraps, gyros and so many wonderful meat-wrapped-in-bread concoctions, most of which I consider sandwiches.

I would say, very generally, that to be a sandwich, the item must at least make some pretense toward portability. I mean, even if once you take a bite out of the thing the ingredients spill all over your plate and you have to use a fork like a sucker, that can still count as a sandwich for me. If you can’t pick it up in the first place, I don’t think so.

Of course, that dismisses so-called “open-faced sandwiches” and items like the Croque Madame, but I’m cool with that. If you need to start with a fork, it’s not a sandwich. We’ve got to draw the line somewhere. Plus I’ve never had much time for the French, and I’m not comfortable ordering something called “Croque Madame” in the first place. It’s like asking for a “pink lady” at a bar. I’m a pretty secure dude all around and I happen to generally enjoy pink beverages, but it’s got “lady” right there in the name. Can’t bring myself to do it. (Pink lady apples are still cool.)

So while I haven’t yet reached a comprehensive definition of sandwich, there must be standards. And the Chow Mein sandwich didn’t meet those. You’ll soon see why.

What it looks like:

How it tastes: Not terrible, just not at all like a sandwich. I don’t think I’ve ever ordered chow mein from a Chinese restaurant — I’m more of a lo mein guy — but this chow mein was decent and plentiful. Sodiumy.

And it came with a hamburger bun, which is novel. Half the hamburger bun was on top of the order of chow mein and the other half was buried somewhere underneath. So it did have two pieces of bread, like many sandwiches. That’s something it had in common with sandwiches. But the rest of it, no. Not a sandwich.

What it’s worth: Evelyn’s Drive-In is awesome, I should say. They’ve got picnic tables set up overlooking a gorgeous lake. On the drive there you can spot tremendous, awesome wind turbines all about. Plus all the rest of the food we tried — fried clams, lobster bisque and the like — was delicious.

It’s a nice place, and certainly worth the 20-minute drive from Newport if you’re vacationing there, as I was. I mean, you’re on vacation. You’ve got time for a scenic 20-minute drive to enjoy some fried seafood.

And the Chow Mein sandwich was only $5.50 or something, which yielded a whole lot of chow mein. So that was alright. Probably not worth wasting precious gut room on when there’s so much delicious seafood available, of course.

The rating: N/A, not a sandwich. It’s like asking me how Jets guard Brandon Moore is at baseball. I mean, hey, he’s not a bad football player. He’s just not a sandwich.

Goodnight, sweet prince

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The Mets released Alex Cora today.

His option will not vest.

Instead of firing their manager, the Mets fired their manager-on-the-field.

Goodbye, Alex Cora. The Mets went 45-63 in games you started over the past two seasons, but we can only imagine how much worse they would have fared without your intangible contributions.