Please, Jay-Z, buy me a car

At NorthJersey.com, Bob Klapisch relates the story of how a young Jay-Z once indirectly bought him a car.

I’m hoping Jay-Z can very directly buy me a car.

My current ride is a 1999 white Infiniti G20 that belonged to my grandmother until she was no longer capable of driving. A couple of weeks ago, it started making all sorts of funky noises, and not like the James Brown kind.

It’s in the shop as we speak and I’m waiting on an estimate from the mechanic. Until it’s fixed, life in Westchester will suck hardcore, because there’s basically nothing to do within walking distance of my house except stay inside my house and watch TV. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but it’d be nice to be able to get out to the batting cage and Taco Bell once in a while.

Things would be a whole lot better if the jiggaman could pony up to buy me a car. He obviously owes me one, since I own the Black Album and all. And I don’t need anything fancy. If money really ain’t a thang, I just fail to see why it’d be such a big deal for him to buy me a car. After all, he sort of bought one for Klapisch.

If you happen to know Jay-Z, please tell him he should buy me a car.

Items of note

I haven’t been scouring, but I haven’t seen anyone note how cool it was that Pedro Martinez and Mariano Rivera, the all-time No. 1 and No. 2 pitchers in ERA+ and two total studs in the twilight of their careers, pitched in the same World Series game last night. They’ve pitched in the same game many times before, of course, but there’s a solid chance it’ll never happen again.

For what it’s worth, the two career ERA+ leaders before them, Walter Johnson and Lefty Grove, had a three-year overlap in their careers while pitching in an eight-team American League from 1925-1927, so without doing the research I’d guess they faced each other a few times.

A-Rod is super unclutch again. It’s almost as if players have random hot streaks and cold streaks that are simply amplified by small sample sizes in the playoffs and A-Rod’s lifetime postseason numbers are almost identical to his lifetime regular season numbers. But that can’t be the case, because he was so tight in previous years in the postseason and so loose and relaxed in the first two rounds this year. I’m so confused. (Note: Sarcasm)

One of the many great things about Halloween is that “Monster Mash” gets heavy radio rotation. What a hilarious song. One of my college roommates used to listen to it year-round. Weird dude.

One of the silliest things about Halloween, for what it’s worth, is the ridiculous prevalence of “sexy” costumes. One time at a Halloween party I met a girl dressed as — no joke — a “sexy chicken.” I mean, I’m certainly not going to argue with people’s right to show off their bodies, but at least find a clever way to do so. A sexy chicken? Really?

Why Tim Donaghy is worse than steroids

So Deadspin got a copy of ousted NBA ref Tim Donaghy’s tell-all about the league and its willingness to fix games.The excerpts are pretty magical.

Certainly there are reasons to doubt a guy writing from jail, and a guy already judged to have compromised his integrity for money. But the excerpts from Donaghy’s book mostly just corroborate something fans of the sport have been suggesting for years: That the league and its officials favor stars and work to manipulate playoff series.

And if that’s true, it’s pretty damning.

I remember hearing from someone who worked for the league that Major League Baseball was still more concerned with keeping gambling out of the game than steroids, even when it was clear that steroids had become a major problem. I thought it was weird and dumb at the time, but the more I think about it, the more I realize otherwise.

Steroids are against the rules, and so steroid users are cheaters, for sure. And that’s bad, no doubt. But they’re still trying to win, and that’s what matters most.

In fact, as far as we know, everyone on the baseball field — the players, the coaches, the umpires — is always trying his hardest. Sure, the umps blow calls, but they usually express remorse afterwards, and there’s really little evidence to show they’re consistently blowing calls to favor specific teams or players. Even when players cheat, they cheat to gain a competitive advantage, and so the overarching integrity of the game remains intact.

If the NBA is really fixing outcomes, though, the league is on a slippery slope toward becoming the WWE. Sports are predicated on the idea that everyone is trying to win, and that officials are working to make sure the team that plays best wins.

Once it’s clear that’s not the case — especially when it’s done at the league’s discretion — it becomes pageantry, a dog-and-pony show. And hey, maybe that would work for the NBA; it certainly hasn’t hurt the WWE. But those of us who actually enjoy the sport of basketball, not just the show, will have to continue focusing on the college game.

What I wonder, especially, is if stars like Kobe Bryant and Allen Iverson — two of the names Donaghy mentions — even want the league working on their behalf? They’re competitive guys, I assume, and I would guess they’d want to play to the same rules as everyone else on the court lest it become clear that they’re being handed points on a silver platter. Isn’t the desire to be the best a big part of what makes someone become a professional athlete? And how could anyone really be called the best if he’s not held to the same standards as his peers?

A-Rod plays stickball

And in this case, that actually means what it sounds like.

In a column for the Daily News today, Joanna Molloy details Alex Rodriguez’s new habit of dropping in on Little League games and stickball games around Washington Heights and the Bronx.

Molloy wonders if that has something to do with A-Rod’s playoff efforts. I seriously doubt it, and would much prefer to chalk his success up to randomness and the fact that he’s one of the best players in baseball.

But that doesn’t make it any less cool that he’s jumping in on area stickball games.

I love stickball. My friends and I played it all the time in high school, so much so that it made me something of a Luis Castillo-style wrist hitter, since it’s useless to take monstrous cuts with a stickball bat.

Part of what’s cool about stickball is that every single group of stickball players has their own set of rules, usually customized for wherever there are open spaces to play.

I know some people play with a Spaldeen and hit lobbed pitches off a bounce, but we played the variety that features a spray-painted strike zone against a wall, and where different distances are assigned different values.

One of my best friends was a stud pitcher in high school who could throw in the high 80s. Batting against him in stickball can be downright terrifying.

That’s all I’ve got. I just wanted to point out that stickball is really fun. I’ve got some meetings today so there won’t be much here for the next few hours.

Enjoy thoughts of Pedro tonight.

Items of note

That Cliff Lee guy is good, huh? It feels like Lee is now pretty good all the time, but for whatever reason has the capacity for ridiculous runs of dominance like the one in this postseason and his first seven starts of last season, when he went 6-0 with a 0.67 ERA.

Lost in the Yankees playing poorly last night was the Knicks playing poorly last night. Danilo Gallinari shot the crap out of the ball in the second half, though, so that’s a positive. I’m not convinced he’ll suck just because Knicks draft picks usually suck.

Stephen Colbert weighed in on the Higgs Boson and many the same things I discussed here.

The Colbert Report Mon – Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Big Bang Theory
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor Religion

Colbert gets a lot of respect, but probably not enough. What a stud.

Alex Nelson continues his amazing rundown of the Mets’ 2009 draftees.

On leadership and pie

Allow me to briefly indulge a high-school football memory:

It was the fourth quarter of the homecoming game my senior year, and we held a comfortable lead over the cupcake West Hempstead team we scheduled for homecoming every season. Nevermind that it was due to be our first win of the season and only the fourth in the three years I had been playing varsity football; I was having the time of my life.

Our coach swapped in a new defensive end, a pothead who didn’t play much. He was supposed to bring the defensive playcall with him, but that was apparently too much for his memory to bear.

While the huddle gathered, I jogged to greet him.

“What’s the play?” I asked.

“Oh, s@#$,” he said, looking bewildered. “But yo, Wurst is having a party.”

I chuckled and approached the huddle.

“Forty-two, outside, Cover 2, red dog,” I said, improvising. “And guys — there’s a party at Wurst’s house tonight.”

What a leader I was that day! And what a fun-loving gang of hooligans we were! Just laughing and partying and keeping it loose. That was a team with chemistry.

Of course, the next week, while losing by double-digits, I got into a fistfight with our starting runningback on the sidelines. And after the game, instead of partying with my teammates, I went to the movies with my parents. I was ashamed to be seen in public after the stomping we took.

In the coming days, lots and lots of people are going to talk about A.J. Burnett and his whipped-cream pies and how the Yankees succeeded because they were able to stay loose in the clubhouse.

But that’s not really it.

When teams play well, the players have fun. Almost always. Baseball players become professional baseball players in part because they really, really enjoy playing baseball (even Carlos Beltran!). And to win consistently at the Major League level must be an unimaginable thrill.

So of course the Yankees nailed each other in the face with pies after games. And of course they appeared to be enjoying it. They were enjoying it, and they deserved to. They were that good.

But they were enjoying it because they were good, they were not good because they were enjoying it. Does that make sense?

The Yankees had a team full of All-Stars that were lucky enough to stay healthy. They replaced Jason Giambi with Mark Teixeira and revamped their rotation. That’s why they won, and so that’s why they had so much fun.

No one gets pied after losses.

Look: I’m not dismissing the element of team chemistry altogether. I’ve worked in groups, and obviously I recognize that it’s a much more pleasant experience while everyone’s getting along.

But is there a way to construct a group to ensure that everyone gets along? I doubt it. In fact, I’d bet the best way to secure the best possible clubhouse would be to put together the best possible team.

That’s what the Mets need to do this offseason. They must put together the best possible team for 2010 that does not prevent them from winning in 2011 and beyond.

And that’s all. There’s no need to go out and acquire good clubhouse guys or team leaders or pie-throwers. If the team wins games, there’ll always be someone to throw pies.

Taco Bell begins campaign for 2010 Nobel Peace Prize

The heroic bastions of good will at Taco Bell have announced that this year, instead of the popular “Steal a Base, Steal a Taco” promotion from years past, Taco Bell will provide a free Black Jack Taco to every Taco Bell guest on Saturday between 6 p.m. and midnight, while supplies last.

Amazing.

Debate rages over whether Taco Bell is providing free tacos to celebrate Halloween or to celebrate the World Series, or if Taco Bell is just providing free tacos because the restaurant chain is dedicated to ending world hunger, one taco at a time.

The Black Jack Taco, if you were unaware, is like a regular taco, but blacker. It also comes with delicious pepper-jack sauce, familiar to lovers of the now-defunct (but still usually available if you just ask) Cheesy Gordita Crunch.

If you live in the vicinity of multiple Taco Bells, you can probably figure out a way to get several free tacos out of this. In fact, you can probably figure out a way to get several free tacos just by returning to the same Taco Bell in half-hour intervals on Saturday.

But please, don’t take advantage of Taco Bell’s generosity. Taco Bell did this for you. And think of all that Taco Bell has done for you in the past. Repay Taco Bell by purchasing other menu items while you’re there.

Mea culpa, Justin Bieber

In one of my earliest non-sports posts here, I weighed in on Justin Bieber, a young pop star I had never heard of before he showed up to play for throngs of 10-year-old girls at the Today Show studio near my office.

Anyway, I trashed him a bit, assuming he was just some run-of-the-mill record-company lackey selected for stardom for his looks and charm.

I have since learned from a source with inside knowledge that Justin Bieber is actually something of a savant in both music and weirdness. Apparently the reason Bieber’s Today Show performance was underwhelming is that he had never even rehearsed the song with his live band, but decided on a whim to play it instead of the song he had prepared. While dancing. With no backing track.

I’m also told that he is, as I suspected, closely handled by managers and mother, but mostly because he’s prone to saying particularly bizarre and downright inappropriate things. And apparently in a recent trip to MTV’s studios, he was given a Rubik’s Cube with which to entertain himself, and promptly finished it and launched it at his manager’s junk.

So maybe Justin Bieber is pretty rock and roll after all. Good luck with that, Justin Bieber. Your next challenge is to actually make worthwhile music.

Items of note

A Philadelphia woman was arrested for offering sex in exchange for World Series tickets. Sometimes you don’t need a punchline.

Even though Doug Glanville roots for the Phillies, I generally enjoy reading his op-ed pieces in the Times. He comes off like a true, hardcore, nerdy baseball fan like myself, and one that just so happened to be  good enough to make the Major Leagues. It’s only when he actually starts breaking the game down and advocating Marlon Anderson that he gets a bit bothersome.

The Mets will won’t will won’t pursue John Lackey. This is going to be an especially frustrating year of hot-stove nonsense, I think.

Today is the day every paper in the country runs its position-by-position World Series breakdown and picks which player at each position gives his team the edge. I still don’t get it. The shortstop doesn’t ever face the other shortstop, right?