I hate even linking to it because I hate sending even a tiny bit of traffic in that direction, but I feel like this jackass needs to be called out just for his utter lack of originality. Seriously? We’re still asserting that people who employ certain metrics to evaluate baseball players are virgins and Star Wars fans?
Also, I invite any Red Sox fan frustrated with Theo Epstein’s allegiance to sabermetrics to come join me in following the Mets for a season. Don’t worry, you’ll never have the same concerns here. And I promise you, Jerry Thornton, by September you’ll go running back to Boston to immediately open up a spreadsheet and start calculating the breadth of Epstein’s geeky awesomeness.
And for the millionth time, just about every damn team in the league uses one stat or another to evaluate players, and so does every writer. Don’t tell me you’re not going to check out some dude’s RBI and batting average when you’re writing some dumb column about why he is or isn’t the MVP come August, Jerry Thornton. So because some people choose to measure players by stats that more accurately assess those players’ value to their teams, we should be dubbed “mouth-breathing, grease-stained Gollums”?
I was a Teenage Stats Geek, too, Jerry Thornton. I was also the captain and MVP of the football team. These things are not mutually exclusive.
Sabermetric stats are not a lifestyle choice. They’re just tools. Not something far-fetched, not something unreasonable, just tools. Tools some people use to better understand and enjoy baseball games. Tools some baseball executives use to better understand their industry.
Tools like Jerry Thornton.
Here’s the really clever part of the column:
So as a public service to all like-minded fans, concerned Red Sox citizens worried about the direction the Nation is headed, I’d like to put my ex-Stat Geek skills to us and offer my own formula for judging all statisticians. Let’s call it the NSGR/MMUSRI (Nerdy Stat Geek Ridiculous/Meaningless Made Up Statistic Rating Index). You take any new, obscure baseball evaluation stat and you start with the weight of the guy who invented it, times how many days he’s been wearing the same “Han Solo Shot First” T-shirt, divided by how many times he’s had sex in his life, multiplied by how often his mom cooks his meals add how many days a month he sees the sun times the percentage by which he throws like a girl.