Have you even seen my beautiful head of hair, Jerry Thornton of WEEI.com?

Stuff like this makes my head hurt.

I hate even linking to it because I hate sending even a tiny bit of traffic in that direction, but I feel like this jackass needs to be called out just for his utter lack of originality. Seriously? We’re still asserting that people who employ certain metrics to evaluate baseball players are virgins and Star Wars fans?

Also, I invite any Red Sox fan frustrated with Theo Epstein’s allegiance to sabermetrics to come join me in following the Mets for a season. Don’t worry, you’ll never have the same concerns here. And I promise you, Jerry Thornton, by September you’ll go running back to Boston to immediately open up a spreadsheet and start calculating the breadth of Epstein’s geeky awesomeness.

And for the millionth time, just about every damn team in the league uses one stat or another to evaluate players, and so does every writer. Don’t tell me you’re not going to check out some dude’s RBI and batting average when you’re writing some dumb column about why he is or isn’t the MVP come August, Jerry Thornton. So because some people choose to measure players by stats that more accurately assess those players’ value to their teams, we should be dubbed “mouth-breathing, grease-stained Gollums”?

I was a Teenage Stats Geek, too, Jerry Thornton. I was also the captain and MVP of the football team. These things are not mutually exclusive.

Sabermetric stats are not a lifestyle choice. They’re just tools. Not something far-fetched, not something unreasonable, just tools. Tools some people use to better understand and enjoy baseball games. Tools some baseball executives use to better understand their industry.

Tools like Jerry Thornton.

Here’s the really clever part of the column:

So as a public service to all like-minded fans, concerned Red Sox citizens worried about the direction the Nation is headed, I’d like to put my ex-Stat Geek skills to us and offer my own formula for judging all statisticians. Let’s call it the NSGR/MMUSRI (Nerdy Stat Geek Ridiculous/Meaningless Made Up Statistic Rating Index). You take any new, obscure baseball evaluation stat and you start with the weight of the guy who invented it, times how many days he’s been wearing the same “Han Solo Shot First” T-shirt, divided by how many times he’s had sex in his life, multiplied by how often his mom cooks his meals add how many days a month he sees the sun times the percentage by which he throws like a girl.

BURN! Take that, Tom Tango. Maybe if you give up on your pesky allegiance to stats, you can move out of your mom’s basement and become surrounded with women like Jerry Thornton always is.

14 thoughts on “Have you even seen my beautiful head of hair, Jerry Thornton of WEEI.com?

  1. Man alive, people in New England just cannot seem to handle success one bit. These are the same people who are pissed off that the Sox aren’t “fun” to watch anymore, because apparently a healthy team thats guaranteed to make the playoffs and make a WS isn’t enough. Or the way they’re pissing and moaning about how bad the perpetually successful Pats are at the running back position. Or how about how washed up Rasheed Wallace looks on the playoff-bound Celtics.

    I wish I had even one of these things to complain about. Instead my teams have done absolutely zilch this past decade, while spending close to 3 billion dollars, compared to these whiny idiots 6 titles.

  2. Ted Berg. Football stud. Nuff said.

    But Red Sox fans (like all fans) can be weird — one of my buddies up here hates Theo because he let Orlando Cabrera go in favor of a revolving door of shortstops. Despite the fact Theo has won two titles for them, he insists they would have won a third and possibly a fourth with Cabrera at short.

  3. As someone who rarely looks at the advanced stats (no disrespect to them, i just dont have the time to get into them) I took none of that article personally, and therefore actually did find it kind of funny.

  4. “They’re like the Communist Party plotting to take over Hollywood in the 1950s before Ronald Reagan got wise to them and kicked their pinko butts all the way back to Moscow and Harvard Square. Only, instead of trying to write screenplays full of anti-capitalists rants, the Stat Geeks have succeeded in making otherwise normal, decent, God-fearin’ Americans start talking about VORP (Value Over Replacement Player) ratings and UZR (Ultimate Zone Rating) numbers like they really believe in this nonsense.”

    Jeez. There’s funny (TedQuarters), and then there’s this. This guy loves metaphors and analogies more than…well, I don’t want to finish the sentence. I don’t want to write like him.

  5. Makes perfect sense to me. Intelligent, open-minded people who can comprehend statistics and math are “troglodytes,” while closed-minded simpletons who can’t are not. I also love that he cites Youkilis as a great player, although Youk got his break because he was the greek god of walks. I guess only a nerd like me would read Moneyball. A cool, ladies man like Jerry Thornton must still be waiting for the movie to come out, while hoping that some commie from Hollywood doesn’t write the script.

    Let’s hope that was satire. How can an article that attempts to separate Theo Epstein from the Red Sox’s success be serious?

  6. Yea, another reason why Boston belongs in a crater. But besides that, I totally hate when writers or “talking heads” or whoever it may be speaks about SPECIFIC people in the plural, as if using them as an example. I think the entire practice is asinine. ie: Pedroias, Becketts, etc. Not just boston though, don’t get me wrong. You know , Wrights and Santanas too. THERE’S ONLY ONE GUY!

    Let’s just say that if I had a blog like this the first rant post would be about the next time Girardi says something about the “Jeters and A-Rods” he has on the team. Dude, you have “Jeter and A-Rod.” Not “Jeters and A-Rods”

    I guess the “Youkili” thing set me off.

  7. As Zach mentioned, the Communist Party taking over Hollywood analogy was perhaps even more far-fetched than the rest of the article. This has to be a little satirical and hoping to get hits. He once read the back of a baseball card? Wow. Who would ever think to turn one of those over and read the other side. Only a geek.

    This guy has definitely had his shoes taken from him and thrown over a telephone wire at some point.

  8. I don’t know what this guy is talking about. I can’t even get a girl’s number until I start talking about the relative values of FRAA and FRAR.

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