Phillies-related lawsuits just keep piling up

From the people who brought you sex-for-tickets and intentionally-vomiting-on-children comes this much more reasonable-seeming legal proceeding, against the Phillie Phanatic.

A 75-year-old woman is suing the mascot for injuring her arthritic knees when he climbed over her at a Reading Phillies game.

First of all, I’d like to point out that clearly “Reading Phillies” is an oxymoron. And I know it’s not pronounced like that.

Second, the Philly Inquirer article linked above lists the Phanatic as a “bird-anteater hybrid.” A) Who knew? B) It looks nothing like a bird, and the resemblance to an anteater is tenuous at best. It just looks like some big stupid green thing.

I hope this lady wins and the Phanatic loses his shirt, mostly because I want to see him running around without his jersey on, but also partly because screw the Phillie Phanatic for climbing all over a 75-year-old woman. The Phillie Phanatic is a menace who deserves to be punished. You don’t see Mr. Met getting all handsy.

I do have a bit of contention with the woman’s lawyer, though. It seems like he might be on a single-minded campaign against mascots, for some stupid reason.

“[The Reading Phillies’] mascot is Screwball, and it’s like he’s on Valium,” Speicher said. “They say Screwball has the energy of Perry Como.”

Ahh, why do you have to take potshots at Screwball when your case is against the Phanatic, dude? Screwball has really been working to fight his prescription drug habit, and I’m sure the last thing he needs is some big-shot big-city lawyer taking swipes at his reputation.

Speicher better watch out or he’ll feel the wrath of a hot-dog cannon from point-blank range.

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