Samuel L. Jackson and it’s not even close. People read this site and assume I’m a pretty mild-mannered guy, but that’s only because I’m terrible at conveying my moods in print. Every single word written on this site is rife with unadulterated rage, and I don’t know anyone who could better capture that for an audiobook than a shouting Sam Jackson.

“THIS SANDWICH IS TOO SALTY! IT’S ALL CARLOS BELTRAN’S FAULT! YOU AND EVERYONE YOU KNOW SOMEDAY WILL DIE!” etc.

Yeah, actually I do: Walk places. Everything’s pretty spread out in the suburbs, and you grow accustomed to getting in your car whenever you need to go anywhere. And I know plenty of people who do the same thing with the subway in the city: Charged with going someplace a mile away, they’ll consider the best subway to take, then walk a half mile to get to that train and a quarter mile on the other side.

You can cover so much ground on your feet. Manhattan, especially, is so much smaller than it seems. Walking is cheaper than the subway and typically more interesting, plus you get some exercise.

And to me, there’s almost no better feeling than when neighborhoods I’m already familiar with connect in my internal map. Does that make sense? I’ll be walking someplace downtown, south of the grid, trying to generally make my way east on the way home from a restaurant or something, and I’ll come upon a park or a building or a music venue I’ve been to plenty of times before and generally knew how to get to by subway but had never really bothered to situate in relation to other stuff in the city. Then it feels like the whole city is collapsing and I have a much better handle on the area. I like knowing where things are and how to get places.

I’ve been riding my bike a bunch lately. I’m not sure I want to recommend it because it comes with some risk, but it’s definitely the fastest way to get around. Very liberating. Shaves 15 minutes off my commute.

There are plenty, but they’re all probably too weird to detail here. I do still want to ask Cole Hamels if he’s seen the embarrassing photos of Cole Hamels. I kind of suspect he has by now.

Depends on the distance of the fence, I guess. But if you’re swinging for a home run you probably won’t. I generally suck at softball and hitting slow pitching in general, but I think I made a breakthrough about a month ago when the only working batting cage at the place I went was the slow one. I swung so wildly and so far in front of the first pitch that I realized why the junkballer guy in Brooklyn baseball owns me: I get excited and don’t wait nearly as long as I need to. I’ve started trying to drive slow pitches to center field to correct the timing issue; I still end up pulling them a bit but at least I make good contact sometimes.

If that’s what it takes to get people to Mars, then hell yes I’d watch it. Would I rather humankind’s first visit to another planet come from statelier designs? Sure. But it turns out we kind of suck at space travel. Maybe with the type of budget you could expect for what would inevitably become a worldwide television phenomenon we could make some progress.

It takes almost a year to get even unmanned craft to Mars, so it’d be funny if they launched but the show sucked and it got canceled after a few weeks. Now you’re stuck on this spaceship and you don’t get to be on TV! Sorry bub, you’ll have to settle instead for this all-expense paid vacation to Mars.