I have some terrible news for you, Jen: The world’s going to end regardless of whether the Mets sign Dickey and Wright. Scientists believe that in about five billion years, our sun will explode into a red giant roughly 250 times its current radius. Briefly, experts thought there was hope that Earth’s orbit would widen enough during the transition to avoid a fiery death, but the current thinking says that a “tidal bulge” caused by the Earth’s own gravitational pull will drag it into the swelling star. Sorry, I know that’s a bummer but the upside is we’ll all be long dead by then.

Hmm. Are we considering contract statuses? I’d probably work like hell to extend David Wright’s deal and then protect him if I could. After Wright, it’d be Ruben Tejada, Ike Davis, Jon Niese and Matt Harvey. If I couldn’t get something completed with Wright in time for the draft, I guess I’d cross my fingers and hope an expansion team wouldn’t want to draft a player only under its control for one more season and add Zack Wheeler to the list.

Oh man, how great are condiments? I can’t remember if I’ve mentioned this before, but I had some stomach issues when I was living at home after college and my mom’s friend recommended some new-age feel-good book about how to deal with them. But it turned out the whole book was just this lady lecturing me with her opinions about why everything delicious is bad without providing evidence. And, look: I know Taco Bell is not optimal if you’re having stomach issues, so spare me that. But that’s hardly something you need a book to figure out.

Anyway, I put the book down for good when she started a chapter with, “Americans use too many condiments.” What does that even mean? Do Asians not use too much hoisin and soy sauce and sriracha? Do Europeans not slather their french fries in mayo? Americans use just enough condiments, lady, and if that’s barbecue sauce eating away the lining of my stomach then so be it.

Oh, to answer your question: It’s Sriracha. They already have Cholula, I know, and anyone familiar with the old background photo on TedQuarters knows I go through a lot of Cholula. But I’m hardly a one hot-sauce man, and the prospect of a giant tub of Sriracha with a tap attached has me salivating here in the office. (Note: Cholula is an SNY sponsor, but the Cholula bottles on my desk long pre-dated the sponsorship.)

I have no idea, but I wasn’t looking a gift horse in the mouth or trying to figure out what exactly a gift horse is and why it has its mouth open. I scooped up a few and I’m heading out there with some Orioles-fan friends this afternoon. People: Did you even watch last night’s game? A 1-1 tie through 12 innings in a playoff game? That’s awesome baseball no matter what team you favor. If you have the means and can slip out of work early, I don’t really understand why you wouldn’t head to the stadium tonight. Get on it, though; tickets are already up to $25.

Also, I’ve found it can be great fun to go to a Yankee game and carry on like the worst type of Yankee fan. Boo A-Rod and go absolutely crazy every time Derek Jeter does anything. If you’re subtle enough, no one will even know you’re doing it ironically.