I would be a man in a solid gold suit with diamond buttons. I’m allowed to keep this stuff, right?
Since that doesn’t seem in the spirit of the question, I think I’d want to go with something incredibly elaborate and not really all that funny outside of the context of showing up to some Halloween party. Like what if you were at some friend’s Halloween party, and there’s one guy dressed as Zach Galifianakis in The Hangover, one guy with a fake goatee saying he’s his own evil twin, a couple dressed as Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez, and a girl dressed as a sexy chicken or whatever, and then there’s just one dude in a full-blown, cinema-quality Predator costume?
And you might think it’d funniest if you stayed in character as the Predator the whole night, and maybe camouflage yourself against the keg and shoot the Bieber guy’s arm off. But I think the best way to play it would actually be to act like nothing’s up, not really explain why you have such an extensive Predator costume and behave like any old bro at the Halloween party. I’m envisioning a Predator playing flip-cup.
Well, the best season entirely depends on your station in life. As long as you’re still going to school, summer is by far the best season because it’s the one in which they don’t make you go to school. Once you’re not in school, summer’s really only good because of baseball and practically everything else about it kind of sucks. There’s a bunch of stuff to do, but it’s usually too hot to want to do anything. And you still feel obligated to do the stuff because that mindset of summer-is-when-you-do-fun-stuff has been programmed into you since childhood, so even if you want to just sit at home and watch baseball in the air conditioning, you look out the window and you say, “oh, sunny summer day,” and feel like a schmo for not doing anything. Then you go outside and you’re already so sweaty that it’s embarrassing to be outside. Oh, and the air conditioning’s really expensive.
The winter is also better when you’re a kid than when you’re an adult. When it snows and you’re a kid, sometimes they don’t make you go to school. And you were planning on going to school that day, so when you find out you’re off it’s a bonus-time scenario*. (And I actually liked going to school, for what it’s worth.) When you’re an adult and it snows, you’ve got to deal with it, and that’s a huge pain in the ass. Alternately, you could opt to live in a city and not deal with it, but that means negotiating disgusting city slush for several days.
Fall is cool because it has this time when football and baseball overlap. But since fall technically includes early December and early December can sometimes suck most of all, I’m going with spring on this one. There’s the promise of baseball, then baseball, and it’s before baseball has destroyed you for the year. The weather’s bearable and you’re psyched to be outside because you’ve just been all holed up for the winter. And there’s, you know, flowers and stuff. It’s poetic.
*- “Bonus time” was a concept frequently discussed among my roommates in college when we were justifying our laziness. Essentially, if you’ve got something scheduled (class, most likely) and that thing is canceled, you are not obligated to do anything productive in the time that thing was supposed to occupy even if you are busy. It’s bonus time. You didn’t expect to have this time in the first place, so why not watch Ghostbusters again?
Unfortunately, bonus time doesn’t really work out so well in real life when there’s never an end of the semester pending.
It’s the pork bomb, almost by default. While I eat a lot of sandwiches in the pursuit of sandwiches worthy of review, this has been a pretty busy week of watching playoff baseball that kept me mostly eating at home. And my typical workday lunch is a combination of two Boar’s Head deli meats and a cheese on whole-wheat bread, which gets the job done but is hardly notable. Often the selection is dictated by what’s on sale at Fairway. This week I had Ovengold Turkey, Chipotle Chicken and Vermont Cheddar. This is all fascinating stuff, I know.
I would like to take this opportunity, though, to note that my rather pedestrian-sounding lunchpail sandwiches have been improved lately by the continued inclusion of Silver Spring mustards. The most recent addition to my mustard arsenal is their Peppadew Mustard, a sweet and spicy condiment based on a trademarked South African variety of pepper that was only discovered in 1993. I haven’t had the peppadew on its own, but its mustard offspring is delicious.
Also, I had a very good chicken tikka wrap at a contemporary Indian takeout place on 28th and Lexington — “Curry Hill,” as it’s cleverly known. If you count that as a sandwich, it was probably that.
Things I ate this week!
Wait, Freeport, N.Y.? Where!? I’m really letting the Long Island South Shore Taco Bell scene slip away from me. Sad.
But yeah, there are Taco Bells in strip malls — there’s one in Queens I’ve wound up at a couple of times after I got lost trying to avoid traffic. They’re not as good as Taco Bells with drive-thrus, obviously, because who wants to stand up?