What kind of vile hypothetical is this? Are we counting just traditional American-style belly bacon, or does this extend to jowl bacon and back bacon as well? And do I get to choose which pinky?

Depends on the deal, but I’m probably severing the pinky. I might ask for a grace period to try life without bacon for a year or so to consider how frequently I use my pinky versus how often I want bacon.

But outside of typing, I really don’t have much all that use for my right pinky. I need the left for playing the guitar even though I don’t use it as much as I should when I do. The right one is sometimes useful for little grace-note flourishes on the bass, but those are hardly worth bacon. I bat and throw right-handed in baseball, but I’m pretty certain I could do both just as terribly with one fewer digit.

I’m glad someone asked about Hostess. This can’t really be it for the Hostess line of products, right? The way I figure, the Twinkie and HoHo are too valuable for those products to disappear entirely. So we just need to hope whatever company purchases the brands maintains the same standards that Hostess did, and, ideally, the same bakeries. I also suspect that there are probably enough extant Twinkies to keep the world well-stocked until long after oil production peaks and society crumbles, at which point the lack of Twinkies will be the least of our problems. Though I suppose they’d be at their most useful then, since they’ll never, ever go bad.

All that said, it’s Hostess Cupcakes. So good. One time, for some occasion or another, I gave my wife a kit to make homemade Hostess-style cupcakes. They were delicious, but not as good as the Hostess Cupcakes we could have purchased at the supermarket with far less hassle.

Seems that way, huh? I’ve had, to date, three food items that I know of “named” for me, mostly due to my own prodding. The first was an ice cream sandwich on cookies at the freshman cafeteria in college, “The Berg.” People would argue that ice cream sandwiches existed long before I arrived on campus, but I countered that the idea to construct ice cream sandwiches from the cafeteria’s cookies and ice cream — which were, for whatever reason, pretty far from each other — was my original concept. Oh, the naivete of youth! Some of my friends took to calling it that, but I think only when I was around to humor me.

The second was “Berg’s Pepper Barge” at the deli where I worked. Pepper ham, pepper turkey and fresh mozzarella with optional roasted red peppers and oil and balsamic vinegar on a hero. It’s delicious.

The third is “The Ted Berg,” a drink inspired by the green tea and whiskey combination I enjoyed in China and, of course, the Arnold Palmer. It’s roughly three parts unsweetened green tea, one part lemonade and one part whiskey. It’s delicious and refreshing and it gets you drunk. Order it by name at your favorite local watering hole. Be prepared to then explain what it is and be disappointed when they don’t have unsweetened green tea. But keep ordering it by name anyway. I’d really like this to catch on. The Ted Berg.

As for the “OG” in my Twitter handle, I never expected it to remain there this long. I ripped it off from Chad Johnson (ne Ochocinco), who was @OGOchocinco until whoever had @ochocinco relinquished it. But I do keep it real on there, and the construction’s still pretty funny to me.

What would be on The OGTedBerger, though? That’s the important thing. I don’t like my burgers too buried in toppings, so some degree of topping austerity is paramount. I’ll have to think on this more, but it might be bacon, cheddar, barbecue sauce and fresh jalapenos.

You’re blowing my mind right now, Michael. Oreos are by far my favorite mass-produced dessert, nuts to the Hostess products discussed above. But on a sandwich? I don’t know. I’d try anything once, but I’d be concerned you’re ruining a good sandwich or ruining some good Oreos? It’s aesthetically unsettling, for sure.

Follow the two-fold path: Is the sandwich appreciably better for having the Oreos? Are the Oreos better on the sandwich than they would be on their own? Tell me.