Category Archives: Culture Jammin’

Ahh, Philadelphia

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Clemmens pleaded guilty in May to charges of assault, harassment and disorderly conduct. He admitted he stuck his fingers down his throat and vomited on Vangelo and Mikayla at a Phillies-Nationals game on April 14.

Clemmens was sentenced to one to three months in jail, two years of probation and 50 hours of community service, which Dougherty suggested be served at Citizens Bank Park. The maximum penalty was two years in jail. Public defender Richard Hark asked for probation…

Clemmens and his friend were cursing and heckling the Vangelo family from the first inning. Vangelo’s 15-year-old daughter asked them to stop the profanity around her younger sister, prompting more heckling and cursing. The family was doused with beer when they rose to cheer a Phillies home run, and Vangelo eventually complained to security that Clemmens’ friend was spitting, which hit his younger daughter’s jacket and seat.

After the friend was ejected, Clemmens was sitting alone when he answered his cell phone and said: ”I need to do what I need to do. I’m going to get sick,” prosecutors said.

He then put his fingers down his throat and ”projectile vomited,” Vangelo said. He also punched Vangelo several times, causing his ear to bleed, before being tackled by other spectators and arrested.

– Joann Loviglio, Associated Press.

Assault, harassment and disorderly conduct: The Holy Trinity of Philadelphia residency.

I think I might have figured out that city’s problem, for what it’s worth.

Philadelphia was like the biggest thing the U.S. had to offer in the late 18th century. It hosted the Continental Congress, it was the state capital of Pennsylvania, the temporary capital of the fledging nation and the largest city in the country.

In 1799, the state and federal governments packed up and left town, and early in the next century New York surpassed Philadelphia in population.

So I suspect that the entire Philadelphia culture developed with a huge chip on its shoulder. Oh, you had it, Philadelphia! You had it, but you lost it! That’s got to sting, right? Stings so bad you just want to vomit on children.

Something about at-bat music

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Something about the Mets’ neat 4-0 victory this afternoon and the Fort Knox Five’s Insight got me thinking about at-bat music again.

It’s a topic I’ve touched on many times before and one I’ve been meaning to explore at greater lengths for a while.

I spoke to the guys who run the Citi Field p.a. a while back for the Baseball Show. They told me that their only qualification is that the section of the song be PG. Players can choose any section of a song — not just the intro, as I assumed earlier. Generally the player gets 10-15 seconds.

But what makes for good at-bat music? Well, a couple of things:

– Distinctive: This is most important, I think. A player’s at-bat music should be something that becomes inextricably linked with the player, and so it helps for the snippet to be memorable. When you hear that one specific horn riff from the David y Abraham song, you know that means Carlos Beltran’s coming up.

Generally, I think it’s best to choose a song people aren’t overwhelmingly familiar with. The backstory to Ike Davis’ choice of “Start Me Up” is a decent one and I don’t begrudge him the choice, but that’s such typical stadium fare that it’s almost hard to figure if Davis is coming up or if they’re just pumping Jock Jams for the hell of it.

There are exceptions, of course. The opening riff to Voodoo Chile worked great for Mike Piazza, and Rod Barajas’ use of Low Rider and California Love remains the most valuable thing about the Mets’ injured catcher. But none of those songs is standard for sports venues, so they can all be tied to the player by the fan.

In other words, familiarity isn’t necessarily advantageous. Distinctiveness is.

– Straightforward: As a relief pitcher, I would definitely, definitely pick something offbeat to get into my opponents’ heads. As a hitter, though, you don’t have that type of time. Ten seconds of some weird tune might raise a pitcher’s eyebrow, but it’s hardly going to get into his head. Just go for something good to get the fans into it. This is not the time for mindgames.

– Instrumental: Some guys go with songs with words, and for some guys that works. Wouldn’t be my choice. Then people get caught up in trying to figure out what you’re saying with the lyrics you’ve chosen. Make a statement with the music.

Incidentally, Mike Jacobs was using Eminem’s “We Made You” this season, and the first thing you heard whenever Jacobs walked to the plate was, “Jessica Simpson — sing the chorus!” That’s pitiful. You, Major League baseball player, want the first thing anyone to associate you with to be Jessica Simpson, and not because you’re dating her? I know Jessica Simpson didn’t even actually sing the chorus on that song, but that’s immaterial. Another wild swing-and-miss by Jacobs.

– With horns: Again, more of a personal thing. But horn sections make most things more awesome, and they provide a particular variety of fanfare for at-bat music. Trumpet your plate appearance with trumpet. And trombones and saxophones, too.

– With vibraslap: Thaat one’s almost certainly just me. The vibraslap is the percussion instrument that goes, “byoyoyoyoyoing!” or something like that. It’s a hilarious noise and one I’ve always thought should get more airtime blasting through the PA systems of 50,000-seat stadiums. You may recognize the vibraslap from Nuthin’ But a G Thang or any number of songs by the band CAKE.

Anyway, I’m pretty certain my at-bat music starts at the 1:27 mark in this Ozomatli song:

I guess one thing that’s important to note is that in my at-bat music fantasy I’m an amazing hitter. So, you know, late in some game — one the manager mercifully gave me off because I’ve been carrying the team for so long — they call on me to pinch hit and then “bum bum chickachicka bum bum chickachicka…”

Here comes that funky, funky man again.

Smartphone application

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This season, the New Meadowlands Stadium will offer fans free smart-phone applications that they can glance at to see video replays, updated statistics and live video from other games — and that will work only inside a stadium.

Over the next few years, stadium officials say, the applications will provide fans with statistics on the speed of players and the ball, and fantasy games that will allow them to pick players and compete against other fans.

– Michael S. Schmidt, New York Times.

That sounds, well, reasonably awesome. I find it sort of hard to believe that the Jets and Giants will have any trouble selling out games in the brand-new stadium, but then I myself have never been to a regular-season* NFL game since I became a big fan of the sport. I went to one when I was six or seven, before I appreciated football.

I haven’t been since, partly because it has never really come up, partly because I appreciate the comforts of my living room on NFL Sundays. Hard to justify freezing my ass off watching one football game when I can sit in my La-Z-Boy juggling several, pounding Buffalo wings.

I imagine I’ll make it out to the new place in due time, either with a credential or with a ticket, and I’m certain the experience is an enjoyable one. But I can’t be sure they have great wings there, nor that I’ll find a comfortable setting for eating wings, which require space and wet-naps and some sort of resting place for blue cheese.

Anyway, the other thing — and please excuse the ludditry — is sometimes I get worried that smartphones hamper our enjoyment of actual, analog life. This came up in the concert post a few days ago. Is having access to nearly unlimited information and a method of sharing it always a good thing?

Don’t get me wrong: I use the hell out of my iPhone. It makes my commute more bearable and ends arguments with rapidity. But there are times when I wonder if the constant connection to the Internet distracts me from the full breadth of certain experiences. Sometimes I just want to wonder about stuff, and I hope that my imagination is not hindered by knowing that answers to most questions are just a swipe of the keypad away.

Will the smartphone enhance the live NFL experience? Damned if I know. I’m just not sure I would even want to find out, lest it take something away from the sights, smells and sounds of a live sporting event I paid big bucks to see in person.

*- I went to a preseason Jets game when I was in high school. We sat next to Adrian Murrell’s family. Nice people.

Something about concerts

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SNY endured another massive Internet fail today, so apologies for the sudden halt in posts. I’m home now since we don’t have the Internet in the office, but I’m a bit backed up with work so I’ll make this quick:

If you go to see a band and you only know one song by that band, the band is going to play the song. There’s no need to keep yelling out the title over and over again every time the band pauses for a second. Just think about it: If you only know that one song, chances are it’s the band’s biggest hit, and so they’ll probably play it at or near the end of their show.

Frankly, if you only know one song by the band and you’re not really interested in hearing what else the band has to offer, you probably shouldn’t buy a ticket for the band’s concert in the first place. A CD costs less, and you can listen to that one song on repeat without subjecting yourself to anything else from the band’s catalog.

But now that you have the ticket and you’re inside the venue, just shut up and enjoy the show, confident that they’ll play your song eventually. I mean, if you were going to a Don McLean concert, would you just keep screaming “AMERICAN PIE!” until he played it? Probably, because you’re that type of jackass.

I’m going to go ahead and assume Don McLean plans on closing with American Pie regardless of how frequently you call out for it, and you’re certainly not going to get him to alter his setlist by demonstrating your lack of patience with the rest of his music.

I don’t know what Don McLean would play for an encore, or even if he’s still touring, but whatever. Just be quiet.

Also, no one’s going to want to watch your iPhone video of the concert because it’s not going to capture the show with anything like the appropriate audio quality, so you might as well just enjoy the music without trying to save some of it for later, especially since you’ve already made it clear that you’re not really interested in hearing anything but the one song you know anyway.

Alex Trebek pranked

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As you may remember, I love the Jeopardy! program. Turns out yesterday was Alex Trebek’s 70th birthday, and so urlesque put together a highlight package of strange Jeopardy! moments. The clip above is my favorite, mostly because it involves a solid prank and the lack of pants, but also because it demonstrates how thoroughly comfortable the amazing Ken Jennings became with just straight-up screwing with Trebek. 

Great news, fellas

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I went over to New York Magazine’s site looking for a story about the Mets and Puerto Rico. But once there, I got sidetracked by a photo gallery of a recent fashion show in Paris, and something that looks a hell of a lot like a skirt for men:

Say what you want about the style, but I’m comfortable enough with myself to admit it: If something like that ever shows up in my size at Old Navy, I’m buying it. If society says it’s OK, I’ll gladly wear a skirt.

Actually, during steamy summers like this one I even think about heading over to my nearest plus-sized women’s store, picking up a skirt, and wearing it to work one day.

It is downright preposterous that men are expected to wear long pants in formal settings. Preposterous, I say. How am I supposed to focus on my work when my business is so poorly ventilated?

People say: Well, you can’t wear a skirt because that’s what women wear. Hokum. Once I started wearing the skirt, it’d be something men wear. And they say, “well, it’s making fun of transgendered people, who legitimately feel uncomfortable in their own skin.” No it’s not; it has nothing to do with them. This is about the war between man and pants, which pants have been winning for far too long. Don’t devalue my own discomfort.

Oh and the other thing? Kilts are not the same. Kilts are made of wool and so would be ineffective for staving off the heat. I’m talking about skirts, bro.

The only reason I’m not wearing a skirt right now is the societal norm. Damn this self-consciousness.

And lastly, I have nice, toned calves that I feel should be accentuated.

Maybe he just liked Euro Trip

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Actor Matt Damon engaged in some lengthy good-friend hunting at Philippe New York on Friday – much to the amusement of former Knick Patrick Ewing. According to one eyewitness at the Madison Ave. restaurant, the hunky “Bourne Trilogy” star “shuffled around the dining room looking for” his dinner mates with a “confused” look on his face.

Unbeknownst to Damon, his befuddled performance was thoroughly enjoyed by Ewing, who watched the actor with a big smile “because he knew Damon was lost.” After a couple of laps around the restaurant, our source says, Damon finally realized his friends were in Philippe’s private cellar.

– Gatecrasher, N.Y. Daily News.

All my nightmares end with Patrick Ewing pointing at me and laughing.