I got so caught up in another new sandwich-style product from a Yum! Foods restaurant that I almost forgot to write up Taco Bell’s new Bacon Ranch Tortada.

You probably know by now that I like Taco Bell, and you might remember that I enjoy bacon, and you may even recall that I believe meats wrapped in breads are the hallmark of civilization.

Still, I purchased a Bacon Ranch Tortada with tempered expectations. While Taco Bell products with bacon sound amazing in abstraction, they’ve never entirely hit the mark. Remember the Bacon Club Chalupa? Disappointing.

It seems Taco Bell has never really nailed the preparation of good bacon. I mean that as no disrespect to Taco Bell or bacon, naturally, but I think this gets overlooked pretty frequently in discussions of the merits of fast-food restaurants: Wendy’s is the only major national fast-food joint that makes truly delicious bacon.

McDonald’s bacon just kind of tastes like everything else from McDonald’s, only with a slight aroma of bacon. Burger King bacon is thin and soggy. The KFC bacon on the Double Down was overpowered by the fried chicken flavor, and totally extraneous to the sandwich — probably just thrown on there for the sheer Rex Ryan bravado of it all. (Also, probably thrown on there to tempt Rex Ryan, gastric band or no gastric band.)

Wendy’s bacon is legit. The Baconator is the showpiece of Wendy’s bacon package, but even lesser offerings like the Value Menu’s Junior Bacon Cheeseburger provide a decent slice of crispy, tasty bacon — albeit a small one.

Perhaps the secret to preparing decent fast-food bacon died with Dave Thomas though — rest in peace, brother — because even Taco Bell’s bacon is nothing special. Taco Bell chops its bacon up into small bits which bear a decent amount of bacon flavor, but are a bit too salty and entirely lack bacon crunch.

As for the rest of the Bacon Ranch Tortada? Color me unenthused. I should say that another reason I wasn’t expecting much is that I generally avoid chicken products from Taco Bell that aren’t the long-gone Chicken Caesar Grilled Stuft Burrito, a limited-time promotional item most notable as the debut showcase for the Crunchy Red Strips.

Straight up? And again, no disrespect, but Taco Bell chicken has just never done it for me. I’m here for the beef, baby.

Anyway, all that said I thought maybe the Bacon Ranch Tortada would at least be marginally interesting, since the tortada itself appears to be a new development. And I mean really a new development. I’m not sure such a thing as a “tortada” exists in actual Mexican food, as there’s no Wikipedia page for “tortada” and I can’t find any Google returns for tortada that are not about the Taco Bell products.

Still, you have to hand it to Taco Bell for at least improving their ability to come up with more realistically Mexican names for their new products. A tortada sounds way more like something I’d eat in Guadalajara than a MexiMelt, although now that I’ve had both I’d probably opt for the MexiMelt if it were available, because MexiMelts are totally delicious.

The Bacon Ranch Tortada? Less so. It’s not really even a new thing; it’s basically just the tortilla from a Crunchwrap Supreme filled with extant Taco Bell ingredients, plus the disappointing bacon. It’s like a Crunchwrap Supreme without the Crunch, and I guess without the Supreme since there’s no sour cream in there either. Oh, and it’s sliced in half, since that’s what makes it a tortada apparently.

Now look: I don’t begrudge Taco Bell its right to repackage familiar Taco Bell ingredients in new ways, plus I appreciate the use of the delicious avocado ranch sauce here, but it’s my responsibility as a journalist to call Taco Bell out when it misses the mark, and that’s what happened with the Bacon Ranch Tortada. Dry chicken, uninspiring bacon, no crunch. Still delicious, mind you, but not something I’ll ever order again.

Plus, if Taco Bell’s going to keep rolling out new products without actually incorporating new ingredients, they should probably consider my innovative and interactive flash-driven interface idea.

Not to sound like a jackass, but as far as I’m concerned, pulling pranks on April Fool’s Day is like drinking on St. Patrick’s Day. Amateur hour.

I mean, look: It’s still fun and all, and I don’t begrudge anyone the right to do it, but I’d much rather prank people on one of the 364 other days of the year when they’re not expecting it.

I am a fan of massive hoaxes in general, though, and many of the best in history have come on this day. This list runs down the Top 100 April Fool’s Day pranks of all-time, and amazingly, the top four involve several of my very favorite things: Italian food, the Mets, television and Taco Bell.

Taco Bell’s entry to the April Fool’s canon? I quote:

1996: The Taco Bell Corporation announced it had bought the Liberty Bell and was renaming it the Taco Liberty Bell. Hundreds of outraged citizens called the National Historic Park in Philadelphia where the bell was housed to express their anger.

Awe-some. Doubly awesome, because it not only involved hilarious Taco Bell branding, but also a prank on the city of Philadelphia, which was totally asking for it.

The Museum of Hoaxes article on the incident has more:

National Park Service Director Roger Kennedy described the ad as being “as false as it is cheesy.” The New York Daily News said it “fell flat as a dumbbell.”

Mark Schoenrock delivered a scathing critique in the Washington Times:

“To appropriate one of the cherished symbols of our national heritage and use it as part of some cheap, thoughtless advertising ploy is totally disgusting. To use this sacred symbol as part of some silly game is an affront to generations of proud Americans who have fought and died for this country’s freedom – so proudly represented by the Liberty Bell . Apparently this doesn’t matter to Taco Bell officials – or maybe they just don’t get it.”

Robble robble robble! SANCTIMONY! I’m so angry at Taco Bell!

Nothing symbolizes our country’s freedom better than Taco Bell.

Did I not tell you that Nancy Luna was good? She tweeted a link to my post from earlier, and now, barely three hours after I implored readers to get me photos of the Atomic Bacon Bombers from Taco Bell, I have them.

The Internet is so f@#$ing awesome. You all realize that, right? I feel like I’m privileged to be part of the last generation of people who will remember life before the Internet blew up, because I can recall a time when I wouldn’t have had any way of even finding out that Taco Bell was testing Atomic Bacon Bombers in Tustin, Calif., no less had photographic evidence of their existence a few hours later. And so now that I can do all that, I so appreciate what I’ve got here at my fingertips: all this wonderful, bacony information.

These come courtesy of Luna’s reader Blake. I hope it’s cool that I’m just yanking them off his posterous blog, which you should check out because Blake is a hero.

Not much to look at. When I hear “atomic” I expect something massive. I guess I shouldn’t, since Atomic Fireballs weren’t all that large and the atomic buffalo wings at the place near my house are just normal wing-sized, but, well, I don’t know.

I guess when I heard “Atomic Bacon Bombers” and “Taco Bell” together, it just sounded to me like the Holy Grail or something, like it would be tremendous and spectacular. Maybe Taco Bell’s answer to the Bacon Explosion, all covered in Lava Sauce and wrapped in a Grilled Stuft Burrito, and with some Crunchy Red Strips thrown in there for good measure.

But seeing the actual Atomic Bacon Bomber there, so tiny in Blake’s fingers, it just looks pitiful. I’m holding out hope that Blake is gigantic — or at least has monstrous hands — and the Atomic Bacon Bombers are at least the size of a normal taco, but it really doesn’t seem likely. And Blake’s review doesn’t help the Atomic Bacon Bombers’ case for awesomeness:

Look like little mini breaded things with bacon bits attached all around. Inside has no bacon but has cheese and little chunks of peppers – maybe jalepenos? Cheesy, spicy, supposed to be full of bacon, but lacking in bacon flavor.

Oh, Taco Bell: You had my hopes so high. Oh, the Internet: How you foster dreams in the afternoon, then crush them in the evening. This is the saddest day for lovers of bacon and Taco Bell since the Bacon Club Chalupa came out and disappointed.

Listen: Nancy Luna, who writes the Fast Food Maven blog for the Orange County Register, does a tremendous job. Obviously. She blogs about fast food.

And she appears to be a fan of, or at least fascinated by the Taco Bell Breakfast tests running in certain markets, and she’s one of the few decent journalists out there providing the hungry world with investigative reports on and photos of what Taco Bell is serving up before 11 a.m.

But with all due respect to Ms. Luna, she’s guilty of burying the lede in a recent update on various Taco Bell test items being served at a location in Tustin, Calif.

Check it out. This is 12 paragraphs deep:

Now, about these pastries and snack items. This continues to be an odd Taco Bell experiment.

The double fudge brownie, along with an atomic bacon bomber, are new to the Tustin menu. I tried the brownie, which was lightly dusted with powdered sugar….

Whoa, whoa, whoa. I’m sorry. Back one step. Did you just say “atomic bacon bomber”? Did I read that right?

I did. How is that not the title of this blog post? How is the front page headline of OCRegister.com anything other than “Tustin Taco Bell now serving Atomic Bacon Bomber”?

Atomic Bacon Bomber!

!!?!?!??!?!

I e-mailed Nancy, and she politely explained that she didn’t even notice the item until after she was too full from sampling the new Pacific Shrimp Taco and the Taco Bell test brownie, which is, on its own, pretty fascinating.

I don’t know what the people of Tustin did to deserve a Taco Bell that serves breakfast, lunch, dinner, Fourthmeal, and dessert, but damn, I have to move to Tustin.

Until then, I need your help, TedQuarters readers. My traffic tracker tells me that this blog has been visited from Tustin IP addresses at least a dozen times, not to mention a bunch more from surrounding towns in Southern California.

Who’s going to help me? Someone needs to get out to the Tustin Taco Bell and find out what the Atomic Bacon Bomber is. I’ll need pictures and a full report. Please, it’s for the sake of all humanity.

I’m so glad I set up a Google News alert for Taco Bell:

March 9 (Reuters) – UBS upgraded the shares of Yum Brands Inc (YUM.N) to “buy” from “neutral,” and said it sees an “acceleration” in the Pizza Hut-owner’s refranchising and global expansion initiatives….

Yum Brands, which also owns the KFC and Taco Bell chains, is a dominant player in international markets, but has been struggling in the United States as factors such as high unemployment have dented demand.

Not to make light of the economic climate, but I’m actually a bit surprised that high unemployment would dent demand.

But putting that aside, I like the sound of “global expansion initiatives.” Demolition Man appears more prescient every single day:

Look, I love Taco Bell. You all know that. Absolutely love it.

But I’m not one for blind faith in anything, and even I can’t go so far as to say Taco Bell can do no wrong. Case in point: The new Pacific Shrimp Taco.

Seriously, Taco Bell? No disrespect, but shrimp? Seriously?

Maybe this appeals to someone. Clearly it has to do with the new Drive-Thru Diet and Taco Bell’s vaguely misguided efforts to prop-up its healthier Fresco Menu, which I do not support.

I don’t know much about marketing or branding and whatever, but I know plenty about what it means to lose the crowd, and I know that Taco Bell is the company of Club Chalupa and Fourthmeal, and I recognize that too much effort put into hawking supposedly (and probably, in truth, not very) healthy items like the Pacific Shrimp Taco could eventually turn away folks like me who go there for their Fourthmeals.

Wait a minute: I don’t mean that. I could never mean that. I’m sorry I even suggested that, Taco Bell. I’ll never leave you.

But seriously, stop wasting your time creating healthy products. I think I speak for your base — Club Chalupa — when I say we’re just not that interested. If I were more concerned with my health, I wouldn’t be purchasing six pounds of food for less than five dollars. If I was trying to lose weight, I wouldn’t be eating my Fourthmeal of the day here at Taco Bell.

The shrimp doesn’t appeal to me at all, probably because the three summers I spent working in that wholesale/retail lobster farm turned me off to shellfish entirely. But even recognizing that some people like shrimp, and that some people might even be willing to try the shrimp served at Taco Bell, couldn’t you stuff it in a Chalupa and cover it in Lava Sauce like you know you can? C’mon, Taco Bell. You’re better than this.

The only thing remotely promising about the Pacific Shrimp Taco is the use of the Avocado Ranch Sauce, previously seen only on the Grilled Steak Soft Taco and the Ranchero Chicken Soft Taco (UPDATE: And the Grilled Chicken Burrito. H/T Catsmeat). I generally order only ground-beef products at Taco Bell, but I enjoy the Avocado Ranch Sauce enough to occasionally pick up a Ranchero Chicken Soft Taco.

I’m hoping the presence of the Avocado Ranch Sauce on a featured menu item like the Pacific Shrimp Taco signifies a more prominent role for that condiment. Catsmeat reports that it is underwhelming when paired with ground beef, but I’m certainly willing to give it a try, and I’m not confident in the employees at my local Taco Bell to successfully substitute it for another sauce on a regular ground-beef item.

But to assume Taco Bell’s genius chefs will pair the Avocado Ranch Sauce with ground beef in short time would be to assume that experiments like the Pacific Shrimp Taco are only brief and ill-advised detours off the normal, noble path of crunchy, nacho-cheesy deliciousness. And for now, we can only hope that’s the case.

I have faith in you, Taco Bell. So much faith. Spicy, tangy faith. Don’t let me down.

The NBA posted a press release yesterday about its annual “Taco Bell Skills Challenge,” which will feature Derrick Rose, Brandon Jennings, Steve Nash and Deron Williams:

The Taco Bell Skills Challenge was introduced at NBA All-Star 2003 in Atlanta and features four players competing in a two-round timed “obstacle course” consisting of dribbling, passing and shooting stations. All players must observe basic NBA ball-handling rules while completing the course.

Wait a second — those aren’t Taco Bell skills at all. Those are just basketball skills. If they wanted to make it a Taco Bell/basketball hybrid skills challenge, that might be cool, because it’d be fun to watch Steve Nash try to dribble while eating a taco. But as it stands, calling this ball-handling contest a “Taco Bell Skills Challenge” is entirely misleading.

I would like to challenge these four men — and any other comers — to an actual Taco Bell skills competition. The events could include Fire Sauce application, cleanly eating, efficient drive-thru ordering, and spork manipulation. As a tiebreaker, we could each order nachos and see who could best ration the amount of cheese per tortilla chip.

Dammit, now I want Taco Bell.