If you’re a Jets fan and you haven’t read Manish Mehta’s report on their quarterback situation, check it out now. It’s hilarious and devastating, like being a Jets fan.
Category Archives: Words
Blue Jays get the Marlins
Holy crap. The Marlins’ bizarre debacle of a 2012 continues with a blockbuster trade sending basically everyone besides Giancarlo Stanton to the Blue Jays, at least per tons of people on Twitter, led by Ken Rosenthal and Jon Morosi. The details are still forthcoming, but right now it looks like Toronto will send Yunel Escobar, Henderson Alvarez, Adeiny Hechavarria and pitching prospect Justin Nicolino to Miami for Mark Buehrle, Josh Johnson, John Buck, Emilio Bonifacio and… Jose Reyes.
Crazy time. Still kind of feel bad for Reyes. Yes, he chased the money and cut his hair. Yes, he signed a deal without a no-trade clause. But he was hardly the only guy duped by the Marlins’ one-year foray into spending. It should be easier to root for him now, at least.
Of course, the deal hasn’t been officially announced yet, and we’ve been this far down the road in the past only to learn we were misled by Twitter echo-chamber stuff. This one’s coming from about a billion sources though, and seems to fit with everything we’ve seen from the Marlins these past few months. Follow along with exhaustive and pleasantly profane coverage at Drunk Jays Fans if you want the local take.
Maybe the Jets should start Tim Tebow to shut everyone up
Seriously, what do you really think will happen? Do you actually believe there’s some sort of Tim Tebow Magic that transcends awful offensive-line play, receivers that can’t catch, shoddy play-calling, no run game to speak of, and a defense that’s not good enough to make up for all of it?
I don’t, but I’d be happy as hell to be wrong. Maybe Tim Tebow’s personality is so winning and his poise is so great and his resolve is so strong that he’ll inspire the men around him to stop performing so crappily the moment he’s handed the reins.
And it’s not like Mark Sanchez is playing well. Last week Mark Sanchez lobbed a pass in the general direction of the same receiver to whom he had twice pump-faked. That is not effective use of pump fakes! Sometimes he just randomly drops the ball. That’s stuff Mark Sanchez does now, looking un-winning and un-poised and altogether un-Tebow-like in every way, plus — according to every single broadcaster, at least — looking over his shoulder at Tebow at all times and wondering what he could do to again be such a handsome and overhyped young quarterback.
So bring on Tim Tebow. How much worse could the Jets’ offense possibly be than it was against the Seahawks? Are they concerned about stunting Sanchez’s development? Sanchez’s development is very clearly stunted. At the very least, if it doesn’t go well, then we won’t ever, ever have to talk about it again.
Taco Bell Tuesday
This is a big one.
Taco Bell introduces new menu items: The good news for longtime Taco Bell lovers is it appears Taco Bell is moving away from fancy celebrity-chef endorsed fare and gimmicky cross-branded overrated hype drivers back toward its base, gimmicky uni-branded Taco Bell stuff. To start, there are two new dessert items and XXL Steak Nachos.
The new dessert offerings are churros and cookie sandwiches. The former may seem a bit redundant with the longstanding presence of Cinnamon Twists on the menu, and presumably the cinnamon sugar sprinkled atop the churros will be the same stuff used to coat the twists. I’ve never personally felt the need for a Taco Bell dessert beyond what’s already available on the menu, but maybe a softer version of the Cinnamon Twists will be useful for those nursing jaw injuries or something. And the cookie sandwich — misidentified by Advertising Age as containing vanilla ice cream but actually containing “vanilla cream filling” — appears to offer Taco Bell customers the opportunity to try that thing they’ve always kind of wanted to get from that cookie store at the mall but never had the opportunity or wherewithal to purchase.
The XXL Steak Nachos look to be a lot like other Taco Bell nachos, but larger. Even the photo on the Taco Bell website shows the toppings poorly distributed, which is a bit concerning:

Somewhat notably, the XXL Steak Nachos will be the first standard nachos on the menu to feature guacamole, continuing the trend set by XXL and Cantina items to incorporate more guacamole in Taco Bell stuff.
The more intriguing stuff comes later:
Then, in the coming weeks, Taco Bell will also announce some savory snack foods in the form of wraps. Dubbed “loaded grillers,” the savory snacks will essentially be nachos, chicken or a loaded baked potato, all wrapped in a tortilla.
It’s unclear how this mysterious chicken wrapped in a tortilla product will differ from Taco Bell’s numerous chicken burritos, and I’m skeptical that the baked-potato version won’t just be a re-imagining of the various fiesta-potato driven products that I never order. So I’ve got a lot riding on this nachos-in-a-wrap concept, and I feel pretty confident that Taco Bell won’t let me down.
Link via several people, first Catsmeat.
Taco Bell benevolence of the week: Part of tracking Taco Bell news means leafing through a hell of a lot of stories about crimes committed in Taco Bells. So it was refreshing to find this heartwarming story from Merced, Calif. today, about a woman who left her purse in Taco Bell only to have it returned free of charge by the Taco Bell’s heroic manager.
Peterson, who lives in Rocklin, said she and her family stopped at the Taco Bell on their way to visit family. She had just entered Roseville when she realized she left her purse on the back of a chair inside the Martin Luther King Jr. Way restaurant.
What would follow is a 130-mile journey for the yellow purse and a series of events over the next few days that would amaze Peterson and restore her faith in humanity.
Typically, my faith in humanity is restored during my visits to Taco Bell, not afterwards.
Public service announcement: Construction of a Taco Bell location at the corner of Livernois and Walton in Rochester Hills, Mich. has been delayed by bad soils discovered during surveying. The franchisees will spend the winter redesigning the proposed Taco Bell to adjust for the marl and processing the appropriate building permits with the city. Concerned citizens wondering why the Taco Bell’s owners will not instead pursue the larger lot on the same corner that once featured a Big Boy should know that the Big Boy lot was not made available to the Taco Bell franchisees, and that Taco Bell representative Bill Beckett believes the targeted spot is “a wonderful location for a Taco Bell.”
Today in unanswerable questions
I’ve asked this before but now seems as good a time as any to revisit it. Last night, Bryce Harper and Mike Trout won the NL and AL Rookie of the Year Awards, respectively.

In 2012, Harper hit .270 with a .340 on-base percentage and a .477 slugging. He hit 22 home runs and stole 18 bases and played strong defense in the outfield. By WAR, his was by far the best season of all time by a 19-year-0ld position player.
Trout posted a .326/.399/.564 line with 30 homers, 49 steals in only 54 attempts, and outstanding defense in the outfield. By WAR, his was the best season in the modern era by a 20-year-old position player*.
That the pair should unleash themselves upon baseball in the same season is enormously exciting, and their shared youth, talent and position means they’ll likely be linked and compared for years to come. So, you know, who ya got?
*- You know why we need to specify “position player,” right? It’s this guy.
Sandwich of the Week
The sandwich: The Godfather Part II from No. 7 Sub, three locations in New York City. I got mine in the baller-ass basement of the Plaza Hotel.
The construction: Salami, Mexican chorizo, ham, Muenster, pickled jalapenos, sweet potatoes and Thai basil on a toasted hero roll.
Important background information: This is the third sandwich I’ve reviewed from No. 7 Sub on this site. I think only Shake Shack has seen more sandwiches discussed here, and as far as I can remember no place else has even provided two Sandwiches of the Week. That’s not a coincidence, nor is it purely a function of No. 7 Sub’s relative proximity to my office.
I sometimes daydream about opening a sandwich shop, even though it’s not something I imagine I’d ever have the patience or wherewithal to execute. Basically, I just want to come up with creative new ideas for delicious sandwiches based on my extensive research in the field, then serve them to people, and have them revel in my mastery of the craft and tell me I’m the greatest artist of all time and break down in tears because my sandwiches are majestic and heartbreaking.
No. 7 Sub is a bit like that. It features a fluctuating menu of smartly conceived sandwiches, most of them featuring ingredients that seem discordant but which inevitably work together. I’ve yet to enjoy a less than excellent sandwich there. And — perhaps greater praise — I’ve yet to eat any sandwich there that tastes just like another sandwich I’ve had elsewhere, but none of the ingredient choices peculiar to No. 7 Sub ever feels forced.
What it looks like:
How it tastes: Predictably awesome.
This is a tough thing to describe and I fear this post will become more about sandwiches than this sandwich, but it doesn’t really taste like you’d imagine all the ingredients would combine to taste — if that’s something you could even imagine. With great focus you can identify certain flavors from each element, some easier than the others.
But this tastes more like a Godfather Part II than it tastes like salami, ham, chorizo, Muenster, sweet potatoes and Thai basil, if that makes any sense. It’s salty with a crispy hint of the Thai basil’s fragrant bite, and spicy in multiple ways but mellowed by the earthy sweetness of the sweet potatoes. For some reason it makes me think of pizza, but it’s not like any pizza I’ve ever had. Maybe it’s the salami and the sausage under a mild melted cheese. Or maybe all good things just make me think of pizza.
Oh, and the bread is amazing. That’s the constant at No. 7 Sub. They toast fresh, hearty, crusty, delicious bread that’s basically the ideal sandwich-holding stuff. It adds crunch, tastes great and maintains its integrity but never overwhelms its contents.
On another recent sandwich expedition, I had a bacon, egg and fried oyster sandwich. It was fine. But I couldn’t for the life of me determine why someone felt the need to put fried oysters on a bacon and egg sandwich. The moisture from the egg sogged the breading on the oysters before it even got to the table, so it didn’t add crunch. It added a seafood flavor that, though pleasant enough on its own, felt utterly extraneous on and perhaps even detrimental to a bacon and egg sandwich. I’d definitely have preferred the bacon and egg sandwich with a couple of fried oysters on the side.
If your thing is piling unlikely elements on sandwiches for the sake of having unlikely elements on sandwiches, then by all means, foie-gras the hell out of that peanut butter and jelly. But if you’re legitimately interested in making great sandwiches — the noblest pursuit — I would suggest considering, before adding any ingredient, whether a) the ingredient will make the sandwich better and b) the ingredient will be better as part of the sandwich than it would be on its own. It’s about synergy, or something.
And this is what I like about No. 7 Sub, at least based on the sandwiches I’ve had there: Every ingredient always appears to have some purpose, like someone’s putting real thought into the sandwiches’ construction, not just piling on a bunch of random crap and pawning it off on hipsters who love random-crap sandwiches.
The only element on the Godfather Part II that’s hard to wholly justify is the ham, since its flavor gets a little lost under all the more powerful ones and since its bulk doesn’t seem all that necessary on an otherwise hefty sandwich. But then I suppose the people behind this sandwich have earned the benefit of the doubt. Presumably the ham is there for a reason.
(If you plan to follow the two-step process for adding ingredients to sandwiches detailed above, I beg you now to consider the case of ham. Ham is always better on a sandwich than on its own. That’s indisputable. If you’re eating somewhere and you know you’re about to be served ham, stash away some dinner rolls. You won’t regret it. It would also help to have mustard. Also, if you don’t believe me that ham is always better on a sandwich, please bring me bread and a ham and I will prove it to you. Also: Mustard.)
Only a few things held the Godfather Part II out of the Hall of Fame. The first and foremost is the high standards I now have for No. 7 Sub, which isn’t really fair. But I suspect if I went in there cold and ate one of these, I’d be adding it to the sidebar here as we speak.
Second, the starchy texture of the sweet potatoes up against the bread wasn’t my favorite. The sweet potato flavor was an important element of what made the sandwich so good, so it’s obviously a tough thing to balance. But the chunks of sweet potato were a bit thick, and their mushiness sort of distracted me from the rest of the sandwich.
What it’s worth: $13, which is a lot for a sandwich anywhere. Presumably space in the basement of the Plaza Hotel doesn’t come cheap, nor does stocking a host of fresh, delicious ingredients. It’s a cost I’m willing to bear occasionally, but it’s enough to keep me from eating there more regularly. Maybe that’s ultimately a good thing.
The rating: 87 out of 100.
The drunkard’s GM meetings
“Hard work and talent is what brings you success,” Mlodinow said he told the group. “They are two big components of success, but also luck is a big component of success. Players have the talent but are subject to the random fluctuations that happen. You look at a player who’s on a hot streak and think that he’s seeing the ball better or concentrating better, but a large component of that is randomness.”
Mlodinow writes about how those theories apply to baseball and other sports in his book, entitled, “The Drunkard’s Walk,” which was published in 2008.
“When we look at extraordinary accomplishments in sports — or elsewhere — we should keep in mind that extraordinary events can happen without extraordinary causes,” he wrote. “Random events often look like non-random events, and in interpreting human affairs we must take care not to confuse the two.”
Leonard Mlodinow’s The Drunkard’s Walk is one of the more fascinating and enlightening books you’ll ever read. It’s downright awesome that he addressed the Major League GMs on Friday, even if a more thorough grasp of randomness league-wide could reduce some clubs’ competitive advantages.
Via BBTF.
Twitter Q&A, pt. 3: Food stuff
It’s all vital, and great sandwiches require great contents and great bread. But I think if you have to sacrifice quality somewhere, it has to be in the bread. The contents of the sandwich are more vital than the bread.
The way I see it, if you have really delicious bread and crappy contents — think pre-sliced supermarket deli meat or something — then combining the two just amounts to sullying the bread. I’d rather eat the bread plain or with some butter and discard the rest. And that’s not a sandwich at all.
If you’ve got stale bread but some really delicious salami and ham, you can usually get by with toasting or grilling or slathering the bread with a condiment. Sure, you could eat the salami and ham on their own. But they still probably benefit from the sandwich presentation, what with the even mustard distribution, as long as the bread is palatable.
I’m going to get into this more in a forthcoming Sandwich of the Week post (that’s foreshadowing, brother). But I think a good general guideline to consider when constructing a sandwich is this: Before adding an ingredient, consider both whether it will make the sandwich better and whether it will be better served inside a sandwich than on its own. If it’s yes in both cases, pile it on.
https://twitter.com/KlownKrusty/status/266931791884083200
Love it. People seem to assume that because I like Taco Bell I don’t like Chipotle, as if you need to choose one or the other. They’re totally different things, and there’s always room for more great, quick, relatively inexpensive Mexican-style fast foods.
I like Chipotle so much that my friends and I once wrote and shot a short movie in a Chipotle that was partly about Chipotle. The story was to be presented non-sequentially, like Memento, and it was to be called “Burrito, Interrupted.” I got lazy and never edited it. Humanity’s loss, I swear it.
https://twitter.com/Devon2012/status/266933401255305216
You mean like the four basic food groups? In that case, I’d probably go with tomatoes, cheese, ground beef and brioche buns and just eat cheeseburgers forever.
Twitter Q&A, pt. 2: The randos
Via email, Bill asks:
Any thoughts to the new Bond movie being released today?
I know you love The World Is Not Enough.
Bill asks that because he knows I do not love The World Is Not Enough, as Bill was, in fact, sitting next to me when I nearly got my drunken ass kicked in a DC movie theater by some juiced-up meathead who apparently liked the film. I regret nothing. That movie was terrible and everyone around me deserved the truth.
But no, I don’t have many thoughts on the new Bond movie being released today? Daniel Craig seems alright and Javier Bardem is definitely awesome, but I might boycott all Bond movies until someone caves and casts Jason Statham as Bond.
Trick question: There’s no such thing as an average dude with a mustache.
I’m an odd plater, but I had no idea Tom was asking about gas-rationing particulars until I followed up. I don’t drive much in any case, but right now my car is still dead on the side of the street. Thanks to Diwali, I can leave it there until Friday without getting a ticket. That means Thursday night I’ll be scrambling to find a tow truck.
I just spent a good amount of time discussing this with a trusted associate, and it pretty much just turned into the two of us listing as many peripheral Arrested Development characters as we could. They’re all great. It pretty much has to be Barry Zuckercorn, only because he’s got the most screen time of all them and a lot of the funniest lines. But certainly Steve Holt, White Power Bill and the Hot Cops deserve nods.
A bigger challenge might be coming up with a bad Arrested Development peripheral character. I didn’t care for Martin Short’s role or Gene Parmesan much, but other than that, it’s tough to think of any.
Friday Q&A, pt. 1: Mets stuff
https://twitter.com/rosstheboss66/status/266918955552215040
Something similar came up last week, but I assume it’ll keep coming up until Dickey’s situation is resolved. And as long as it keeps coming up, I might as well keep repeating myself.
SI think it will work out in the Mets’ best interests to trade Dickey this offseason — especially if it looks like the two sides are far apart in extension talks — if they can get at least a promising, cost-controlled young outfielder in return. I mentioned Peter Bourjos as a potential target a month ago, and though I don’t think Bourjos alone should be enough to get it done, I do think he’d be as good a fit as any of the reasonable possibilities I’ve seen floated: He’s young, he bats right-handed, he plays exceptional defense, he hit well in his one season of full-time play in 2011, and he’s under team control through the next four seasons.
Predictably, many people speculating about possible Dickey trades don’t seem to consider that teams far from contention might not want to trade away all their best prospects for a 38-year-old signed to a one-year deal. Rampant, reckless trade talk is an unavoidable part of the baseball offseason and there’s no reason not to have fun with it, but it’s always more interesting when you figure out the needs of the team that’s not the one you root for. Which is to say, I don’t think the Royals are going to trade Wil Myers and Bubba Starling for one year’s worth of Dickey.
I think I’m a bit more bullish on Thole than most Mets fans. He suffered an awful season at the plate in 2012, but it seems at least a bit suspicious that his offense fell apart immediately after he returned from his concussion. If he can recover, I think he’ll be acceptable — if never quite good. When he’s right, he gets on base a bit, which in a catcher is enough to make up for a bunch of other inadequacies. And he hits left-handed, which makes it far easier for the club to find a viable platoon partner in the Kelly Shoppach/Ronny Paulino mold. I think, ideally, the Mets find a right-handed hitting complement who can play a bit more often than just against lefties, and Thole gets about 90-100 starts in 2013 to show that his 2012 was a fluke.
https://twitter.com/TheSeanKenny/status/266917475273293824
What is it you think J.P. Ricciardi does?
https://twitter.com/RobvanEyndhoven/status/266917450900193280
Dude, were you not on the Internet yesterday? YOU MISSED THE PARTY!
https://twitter.com/Ceetar/status/266918578106806272
He should stay there. His UZR does not look pretty, but I’m not sure a single year’s worth of UZR data is more valuable than empirical evidence. And by the end of the year, Murph looked downright tolerable at second base.
Alternately, they can move him back to left field for LOLs.
https://twitter.com/JoeLoVerde81/status/266919365486731264
Movement: Spearheaded. You know, I’ve been looking for an excuse to get in touch with Citi Field’s executive chef. How do I go about getting this done? Do I just point out how great it would be to have delicious banh mi available in the Taste of the Citi area, or do I accentuate the negative and try to guilt them into it somehow? Why are the classless Mets ignoring thousands of Vietnamese living in Queens?

