It’s Taco Bell Tuesday, and most of the news seems to stem from a single press release which, notably, I did not receive. What do I have to do to get on Taco Bell’s press list? Seriously. I have 276 unopened emails on my phone alone right now because I get four press releases every time a local arena-football team waives its backup kicker/punter. And no one out there will add me to the Taco Bell press list? I work for a mainstream media outlet. I am a crazy big-time journalist bro. Hell, I’m even on the Hamels Foundation’s media list. I WRITE ABOUT TACO BELL EVERY DAMN WEEK ARE YOU REALLY NOT LISTENING PLEASE TACO BELL IT’S ME TED I LOVE YOU WHY WON’T YOU EVER ACKNOWLEDGE ME WE COULD HAVE SOMETHING SO BEAUTIFUL!
Taco Bell unveils cornerstone of FirstMeal menu: A snippet of the press release, which has to come to you via Business Insider as if I’m not a business insider even though I’m sitting right here inside a f@#$ing business, refers to three “destination items” on the FirstMeal menu. Neither the Cinnabon Bites nor Mountain Dew A.M. should be new to anyone who regularly reads TedQuarters, but the release brings the first word of the A.M. Crunchwrap, which apparently looks like this:
OK, here’s the thing: Every description I can find of the A.M. Crunchwrap says it contains eggs, cheese, a hashbrown and bacon or sausage in a tortilla. But look at that picture: There’s something else in there. There are three distinct yellowy-orange goos. One is the cheese, one is the egg. What’s the third? What’s the third goo, Taco Bell? Because if that’s Lava Sauce or Zesty Pepper Jack sauce, we’re talking FirstMeal.
If you’ll recall, my initial disappointment in Taco Bell breakfast stemmed from the low ratio of Taco Bell to breakfast. Adding a signature sauce could go a long way toward righting that wrong. And, hey, hash browns.
No road trips necessary: On a conference call, Yum Brands CEO David Novak said he expects a nationwide rollout of FirstMeal by 2014. Again, Taco Bell: Loop me in on this stuff. C’mon.
For reasons almost inconceivable to me, not everyone reads TedQuarters: So news of the existence of Mountain Dew A.M. — reported here and elsewhere months ago — came as something of a surprise to the Internet and prompted all the predictable condescension. Pretty sure there’s a Fast Food Snark Mad Libs for Bloggers template out there you can just fill out whenever the need arises.